Consum-mate

May 2018
In This Issue

Welcome

Quote of the Month

Featured Article: Remarrying your ex--how to make it work this time

End Notes

Immerse yourself in dating and relationship news. Read the coach's "Relationship News and All That Blog.

The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin

Welcome

Marriage is in the air, and many of us have been invited to or have recently attended a wedding ceremony. In spite of the steadily high divorce rate and the overall drop in marriage rates--many people continue to seek the highest level of commitment in their relationships, and this is the season they most often say "I do." Then there are all the couples who decide after not having their marriages work out the first time, that they would like to try again, with the same partner. Remarriage is more common than most people would imagine--and these couples do have a better success rate the second time around. I thought that this would be a good month to write about remarriage and what factors contribute to its higher level of success. If this could be you or someone you know, this article is written just for you.

We continue to update Consum-mate, and are always adding new articles, columns, and blogs. Make sure you check us out to see what is new and maybe just what you are looking for.

My dating and relationship articles offer a lot of free, useful information and practical advice. You can find these on the menu at the top of http://www.consum-mate.com/

Feel free to visit my media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where I keep an updated list of some of my media quotes. There are also many topics that l tweet about or mention on my Twitter and Facebook pages. If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni

If you are looking for specific dating or relationship advice, you can find this on my page at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c My columns and articles also run on Family Share at: http://familyshare.com/authors/toni Divorce Support Center at http://divorcesupportcenter.com/index.php/experts-h/783-toni-coleman-lcsw-cmc and Cupid's Pulse at http://cupidspulse.com/102918/relationship-advice-new-years-dating-resolutions/#

A special thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a friend or loved one seeking dating, relationship, or happier living advice; but please don't sign anyone up without their express permission.


Quote of the Month

"Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money."--Diamond Lou


Featured Article: Remarrying your ex--how to make it work this time

While there are no exact statistics on the occurrence of remarriage to ex-spouses--studies have shown that these remarriages are more successful for the couples than the first time they went to the altar together. There are a number of reasons for this that include maturity and more life and relationship experience. However these alone can't be counted on if there are unresolved issues and/or problematic dynamics that the couple neglects to address as they make their happy reunification plans. If you are taking steps towards remarrying your ex--carefully consider and weigh the following before tying your second marital knot.

Identify the issues that led to your divorce

Every marriage encounters stressors and challenges that can lead to disagreements, alienation, and conflict. Many couples rush quickly into divorce without seeking the professional help that may have helped them successfully navigate through their issues and differences. Therefore the first step every couple who is considering remarriage should take is to clearly identify what went wrong for them the first time. The list could include immaturity, selfishness, financial mismanagement and stressors, disagreements on lifestyle or parenting, and/or career conflicts. It is also possible that their issues were related to timing, such as separation due to a job change or a return to school. What went wrong, how, and why should all be discussed and carefully examined before taking any steps towards reconciliation.

Carefully consider and discuss your top reasons for seeking remarriage

It's easy to grieve your relationship post-divorce. After all, the grass is not always greener on the other side. You were married because you shared an attraction and more, and you can miss the convenience, comfort, and security that marriage offers. While there is nothing wrong with wanting and valuing these--they weren't enough the first time, so why would they be now? It will be important for you to have a frank discussion about why you would both be better together than apart. What feelings, needs, and wants can remarriage to one another fulfill? What are your expectations and are you both on the same page?

Ask yourselves and one another what is different now and why?

Divorce results in a physical and emotional separation. However old grudges, unresolved trust issues, feelings of betrayal, an inability to communicate, and/or unhealthy relationship dynamics will not resolve or disappear just because you are no longer coupled. Any of these could reignite once the relationship flame is relighted. Therefore it will be important to discuss the growth and change that you as individuals have identified a need for, are working on, or have achieved since the divorce--and how this could positively impact your relationship the second time around. You will need to employ self-reflection, demonstrate new insights, and have a willingness to work on things you weren't open to addressing in the past.

Work with a counselor beforehand to ensure you are more successful this time around

Before saying "I do" again; arrange to meet for a few months with a qualified and experienced marital counselor. Counseling will address any problems in communication, it will help each of you to speak so you are heard correctly, and listen in a way that your partner knows you are paying attention. You will also gain new tools and learn new problem-solving techniques to aid you through the rough patches that are sure to come. Your counselor can also help you determine if you are ready to try again or if you need more time and work before taking the plunge.


End Notes

Remarrying your ex is a second chance to get it right--and how many of us wish we had a second chance at something as important as a relationship? There are a few rom coms that feature divorced couples who can't seem to move on to new relationships and end up falling back in love. However these are Hollywood versions of the real thing and don't deal with the messy business of what happened the first time that led to divorce, and how they are now addressing those issues together so that they don't repeat the same mistakes. All relationships take some work and lots of self-awareness and willingness to compromise. Without these, old patterns kick back in and history is at risk of repeating itself. Unless you can definitively answer the question, "What will be different this time around;" don't rush into getting back with your ex.

If you would like more direct help with your desire or goal of reconciliation and possible remarriage to your ex--email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping people to address problem relationship dynamics and apply new tools and techniques to turn them around, if both are willing and able. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.



CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

 


© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.