The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

It's the beginning of the "digging in" season of the year. For many of us, the days have grown noticeably shorter and cooler- and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. The holidays bring out many different feelings and memories- and how we feel about them has to do mostly with past experiences and how satisfied we are with our here and now existence. It's safe to say that there is a lot of stress going around due to the high rate of unemployment and concern for the financial and social ills that we are facing here in the US and in many other countries around the world. It seems that virtually everyone has been impacted in some small or large way.

For those of you who are single and not in a relationship, it can be a time of shifting and conflicting emotions- and the beginning of an anticipated long, dark winter. For those of you in relationships, there are joint plans to make and family issues to discuss- and if you are newly coupled you may be struggling with making a decision about spending the holiday together or not.

This month I will talk about being in the kind of relationship in which the individuals spend a lot of time talking about the relationship. If you have ever had a relationship like this, are in one now- or are friends with a couple like this- you know exactly what I mean. These relationships feel like a lot of work, probably because they are. So, what draws and keeps people in these kinds of partnerships, what are the warning signs that a new relationship could become one of them- and how does someone assess that enough is enough and cut their losses before they become too great? Read on for my thoughts, observations and advice on this important topic.

If you need more specific help with your relationship or with finding/building a relationship, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. Check out my services at http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, meeting and dating help and communication skills. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm For help with your online profile, email me at Toni@consum-mate.com

Whatever your life changing needs may be, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.com

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one.

Quote of the Month

"Are we having fun yet?"
- Unknown

Featured Article: Talking about your relationship VS relating

The evening started out on a high note. They were eating at a favorite place and afterwards, would be going to hear a great band. Everything felt just right and then it wasn't. He made a "funny" and "innocent" comment--which she reacted very negatively to. He expressed surprise and impatience with her interpretation which she countered with an angry and defensive response. From there it escalated to the point that hurtful accusations were made by both, and the evening was cut short after raised voices, tears and silence. One partner broke the silence the next day, and this began a long discussion about the state of their relationship. If this were the first time this scenario had occurred, or if it were one that rarely or never happened, the discussion may have been shorter and a clear resolution would most likely have been reached after an honest sharing and explanation of feelings, expressions of regret, and remorse for hurtful behavior. However, it was part of a repeated pattern of a breakdown in communication followed by angry words, all leading to a talk about "our relationship."

When a couple spends a significant amount of time talking about the relationship instead of relating, a red flag should be thrown down. It might sound like an oversimplification, but when two people have to work hard to get along and enjoy one another, with limited success--they have a real problem that won't be solved by repeating this behavior over and over. All couples have disagreements and problematic issues that have to be dealt with. The key is in knowing where the line is between a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship and one that requires a large investment and returns low dividends.

It can be very frustrating to hear that every misstep we take is driven by an unconscious process, unmet needs, or false beliefs learned throughout our lives. If this were actually true, we would have little or no control over our decisions, and good outcomes would happen more by luck than by making healthy and wise choices. Everyone has the ability to develop their insight and gain a greater understanding of how their families of origin and past experiences have shaped them, thereby giving them the opportunity to "change their luck."

Take the case of the couple who spends most of their time together in conflict, followed by lengthy relationship examination. These two people met, saw things in each other that they found desirable and attractive, began dating, and at some point became a couple. Each step required decision making driven by an assessment of how well the relationship was working for them. Therefore it's safe to say that at least some of their needs were getting met.

The question then becomes, "what went wrong," or "what was wrong that they were unable to see?" Most likely their problems have to do with one or more of three common relationship killers. These are:

* An attraction based primarily on physical chemistry that needs to be enhanced by two other compatibilities over time, or it fades away.

* An attraction based on who they THOUGHT or WANTED this other person to be, not who they actually were.

* An attraction tied to expectations of what they thought this person could do to enhance and enrich their life, social status, and/or sense of self.

Again, using this couple as an example, we can use these three potential problems to illustrate how healthy relationships form.

If this couple were compatible in the three areas of relationship chemistry, physical, intellectual and emotional--it is unlikely that small misunderstandings would escalate into large conflicts. Instead, if a misunderstanding were to arise, it is likely they would be able to read each other better, share their feelings more openly, even the vulnerable ones, and have a strong "friendship" basis that would help them to maintain civility, respect and trust.

If this same couple truly accepted each other, warts and all, their expectations would be in line with reality, therefore minimizing the hurt and anger that surfaces when someone is "not who I thought they were."

If these two people were able to take responsibility for their own feelings, wants, disappointments and failures, instead of projecting this responsibility onto their partner--they would be much less likely to erupt in anger when something does not go according to plan, leads to a disappointing experience and/or contributes to feelings of sadness, emptiness, frustration or discomfort.

In other words, individuals who are seeking long term, healthy, and mutually satisfying relationships need to choose consciously with their heads, hearts, senses and gut. When someone feels really right on these different levels- they probably are.

End Notes

This month's article was designed to help those who are single and not in a relationship to make healthy and satisfying choices about whom they want to love and be in a relationship with. For those of you in relationships, it may help you to better assess the health and long term potential for your relationship- and maybe answer some questions about why something is not working for you.

For all of you- HAPPY, HAPPY Thanksgiving- however you choose to celebrate.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.