The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

Hope all of you are having a restful and fun-filled summer. It?s hard to believe that August is almost here. The days are hot and long, but getting shorter now. If you have not really taken advantage of this great season for meeting and dating- you still have time. Get your plan together and make the time to go out and pursue your interests and passions- and hopefully meet some of the many singles who are doing the same.

My inbox has been filled with questions that ask me for my thoughts on the writer?s love interest- are they genuine, really interested in pursuing a relationship, truly into them- or just someone stringing them along until they find someone better? These singles ask me to interpret their friend?s comments, behavior and the dynamics of the relationship itself.

Therefore, I decided to address this important topic in my July article. I have touched on it a number of times before- and will give you links to those articles and columns as well. Telling the players from the keepers is an important skill for anyone who is looking for a long term, committed relationship. It?s also a timely topic- as this is the time of year that many people meet, date and move into relationships. Read on for my thoughts and best tips.

If you need focused help with your dating life and relationship building skills, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. Check out my services at http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm

I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, meeting and dating help and communication skills. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm

For help with your online profile, email me at Toni@consum-mate.com

Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.com

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one.

Quote of the Month

Jim took me out to a movie then to a club. When we got to the ticket window, he told me he forgot to go to the ATM and had no money. Later at the club, he flirted with the bar maid all night right in front of me. ----Melissa, 25

Featured Article: Weeding Out the Players From the Keepers

Let's begin with a quick quiz.

A Player is someone who:

* Has difficulty making a commitment to one person

* Dates several people at once- usually without telling any of them about the others

* When on a date- flirts shamelessly with every available person in the room

* Is charming, smooth and a great talker

* Tells you everything you want and need to hear- but their actions say something else entirely

* Is fun, sexy and holds your attention

* Acts badly towards you at times, but is usually sorry and begs for forgiveness- which you are quick to grant

* Is never boring or predictable and/or someone you can rely on to follow through on promises or plans

* Has a history of hit and run dating, with few or no real relationships
10. All of the above

Answer key:
True: 2, 3, 5, 8. Players can have some of the other characteristics- but so can Keepers.

I'd be willing to bet that many of you scored highly on my little quiz. So, I have to ask myself WHY I continue to get so many emails from singles who are seeking help with telling the Players from the Keepers. If it's not a matter of "intellectually knowing," it must be something else.

When it comes to intimate relationships, we all have blind spots. On one side of the continuum are the folks who see only the good qualities, as they screen out any bad ones. On the other end, we have the people who see what they want to see, and believe what they want to believe. Most of us fall somewhere in-between. Now you might be thinking that since romantic relationships are uniquely different from the ones we share with friends and family, that it is necessary for their continued existence to be able to overlook small faults, petty hurts and bad behavior in order to get through the "good times and bad" that eventually come. This is true, but to what extent? It's all about degrees of satisfaction, getting mutual needs met, and having a good foundation of trust and respect. In other words, the relationship should at least have the potential to be one that will go the distance, through whatever life throws at you. If you find that you are frequently dissecting it and rehashing something that was said or done, looking for reassurances from friends and relationship experts, and/or feeling a sense of doubt and insecurity about your partner's commitment to you and to the relationship--you should stop, think and listen closely to what your gut is trying to tell you.

Perhaps the inability to see one's love interest as they truly are, results from an intense chemical attraction that overpowers reason and common sense. Perhaps there is an element of fear involved. The fear of never finding that someone, and therefore being alone- can be a powerful reason for attempting to keep a relationship going. Then there are those people who are drawn to certain qualities in others, and often this attraction happens on an unconscious level. For instance, the men who look for women who need rescuing or the women who want to help and nurture those misunderstood and forever disadvantaged bad boys.

If I had to offer you one way to really know if someone is right for you--I'd say to look for consistency. Someone can say everything you want to hear--but unless it is backed up consistently by what they DO, it is not to be trusted. Once you allow yourself to see someone clearly, it will be easier to take the next step forward or backwards, without self-doubt and/or the threat of rebounding back into their arms and an unhealthy relationship, over and over again.

End Notes

This month?s article was written to assist dating singles in making healthy and satisfying choices in their dating and relationship life. Too often I hear stories of regret from people who spent months or years in a relationship with someone who turned out to be a player. They lament the many times they made excuses, turned a blind eye or just ignored the warning signs- as they let some of their best dating years slip away. Don?t let this be you. Become fluent in the non-verbal language of relationships, know what you want and never ignore a nagging feeling..

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.