Consum-mate

May 2014
In This Issue

Welcome

Quote of the Month

Featured Article: Am I reading the signals wrong?

End Notes

Immerse yourself in dating and relationship news. Read the coach's "Relationship News and All That Blog.

The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin

Welcome

Hope you had a good Memorial Day weekend!

Since dating season is well underway, I am focusing on specific dating issues in my monthly newsletters. Last month I wrote about the culture of casual sex in dating- and this month I thought it would be useful to talk about an aspect of communication that often trips people up- that is the nonverbal signals that say more than words, yet are very often blocked or overlooked. You may think you have a good grasp on sending and/or reading nonverbal signals, but if you find yourself wondering what someone is thinking, if you miscalculate their attraction or intent- or if you have ever been blindsided by the behavior of someone you are interested in or dating- you may need to brush up on some nonverbal basics. The following article contains the question from a dater who was questioning whether she was reading a guy's signals right- and the answer I sent her that offers specifics on reading his nonverbal communication to help understand his message correctly and respond appropriately to it.

Our dating articles are very popular and offer a wealth of practical advice. You can find these on http://consum-mate.com/articleindex.php We are always adding more articles so check back frequently. Feel free to visit our media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where we keep a sample of our media quotes.

If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni If you would like to listen to a recent episode of CL3 Agency's Life After Divorce radio show that I was a guest on, you can find it here on http://www.blogtalkradio.com/cl3agency/2014/05/02/life-after-divorce-wdivorce-support-center-expert-toni-coleman Check out the other shows archived there as well- they have much great information and support for anyone who is going through or has gone through a divorce.

A special thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a friend or loved one seeking dating or relationship advice, but please don't sign anyone up without their express permission.


Quote of the Month

"Who you are is speaking so loudly that I can?t hear what you're saying" ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


Featured Article: Am I reading the signals wrong?

Dear Toni-

I'm a 34 year old single, professional female who lives in a close suburb of Washington, D.C. It's a widely held belief here that women are at a disadvantage in dating because we outnumber men, there's a large population of gay men in the area- and everyone is apparently into their careers and not really interested in pursuing serious dating. Therefore, I have tried to think outside the box when trying to meet compatible men who are seriously looking for a relationship- and I spend much of my leisure time volunteering, participating in local sports leagues and pursuing my love for the arts. I am not really into the bar scene anyway, so this works for me and I enjoy my life for the most part.

Now for my problem. I am meeting the occasional single, attractive guy who I do get the opportunity to actually have a conversation with. Sometimes we are working on a project together and other times, playing on the same team or even opposite teams in a league. However, even though I often sense an interest from one of these guys, it usually doesn't go any further; like him asking for my number and/or suggesting we go for coffee or on a first date. Honestly, I think the signals are there and that I am not imagining it- as we talk about our work, other interests we have, where we live, etc. He might even suggest that I would enjoy checking out something he is into or mentioning a concert or other activity that he is planning on going to. Then, it sort of fizzles into an, I enjoyed talking with you, see you later ending.

I would really appreciate knowing what signs and signals to look for the next time I have one of these encounters. What a guy says doesn't really tell me what I need to know and can be confusing. So specifically what signs should I look for that say he is indeed interested or just not that into me? - Hopeful Single in Suburbia

Dear Hopeful Single in Suburbia-

There's no question that dating is a challenge- and this is especially true for young, professional women in cities like Washington, D.C. The numbers don't work in your favor, folks there are known to be into their careers- and one you didn't mention is that it's a very transient place where many young people are from somewhere else and a number of them hope to return home once that have gotten the necessary career experience and/or connections.

All that being said, every day young women like you meet men with whom they develop serious relationships that end in commitment/ marriage. This is because the kind of guy you seek does exist and you are right that it helps to think outside the box when looking for him. Your ideas for how to meet men are great as they allow you to participate in activities that meet your needs and offer you real satisfaction while also giving you a greater opportunity to meet your kind of guy.

But how do you recognize him when you meet him? More importantly is your question of how do you know that he has an interest in exploring the possibility of a relationship with you. In order to correctly assess this you will need to be able to read signs and signals he uses that say:

* He has a romantic interest in/physical attraction to you
* He likes what he hears when you talk
* He wants to see you again

I will go through each one and use examples of what he might say, do, not say and/or not do that should give you some basic tools to get you started.

* If he has a physical/romantic interest, he will try to make eye contact or offer a smile or a head nod. He might try several glances, hoping to make that eye contact with you. His posture will say I am interested when he faces you, even if you are not standing and talking to him at the time or even if he is talking to someone else. He may put his hands on his hips with his fingers pointed down- this indicates sexual attraction. You might notice that he has moved closer to where you are. He may do this by going to speak to someone closer to your position or find another reason to shorten the distance between you. He might be looking for a sign from you, so he may or may not try to start up a conversation, he may instead wait to see if you do this which would indicate your interest.

If you see any of these signs, you can indicate an interest back by mirroring his actions- point your body in his direction, find a way to shorten the distance between you, offer a glance and a smile and/or nod- and make it a lingering one- which would invite him to come over and start a conversation.

If he responds well to your overtures and offers more of these interest signals but hesitates in approaching you, you can try starting a conversation with him. Keep it low-key and simple such as asking a question, making an observation or anything that would fit into the context of the setting you are in. If he responds with good eye contact, an animated facial expression and/or contributes to the conversation to keep it going, he is most likely interested. If he gets quiet, excuses himself, looks around as though he is looking for or hoping to connect with someone else- he was likely being friendly, but is not romantically interested.

* If he likes what he hears when you talk, he may tilt his head sideways to indicate he is really listening or lean in towards you which demonstrates he wants to hear every word. He will ask questions or pick up on something you said and offer something of his own.

If he doesn't click with you in conversation he may try to end the conversation, make an excuse that he is in a hurry, look around and not really focus on what you are saying or just remain quiet, then nodding and perhaps saying something like; "it was nice meeting you/talking to you," then excusing himself. He definitely won't suggest you continue talking, do an activity together, offer to get you a drink or something to eat or ask you any questions that show real interest in you and show he would like to know more about you.

* He will indicate interest in seeing you again by the above signs and by suggesting you do something together in the future, asking for your number, finding way to keep the conversation going, working to continue the present interaction, keeping his attention on you and not letting it wander to something around you, keeping his body pointed to you, remaining in close proximity rather than backing away slowly, leaning towards you- and trying to share information about himself, especially anything that he think you might like/be impressed with.

If your feelings are mutual, you should again mirror his body language, ask questions, keep good eye contact, keep your body focused towards him, lightly touch your face, hair or neck (shows sexual attraction)- and maintain an upbeat and positive attitude throughout the conversation.

These are all basic and universal signs and gestures, and if you see him using them together, there is a high probability he is interested and attracted and just may need you to take a lead a bit. If you see only one or two and if they are not repeated, it can indicate he felt
initial interest, but quickly lost it or that he just decided he wasn't as interested as he believed he was at first glance.

Now all you need to do is give these some careful thought and the next time you encounter that attractive new guy- pull them out and use them to help you assess for any possible relationship potential. You should experience less frustration and self doubt and drastically cut your rate of missed connections and those nagging afterthoughts of what might have been.


End Notes

This month's article was written to help those single readers who are having difficulty meeting and connecting with compatible others because they have difficulty deciphering the signals that others are sending out. Learning to correctly read and accurately use nonverbal communication is like learning a new language. It takes real practice in the field- and you can't just sit back and memorize what you need to know- you also have to get out and try it on. It may seem intimidating at first but with repeated practice you could save yourself a lot of frustration and missed connections- and not waste time on people who are just not that into you.

If you need focused help with meeting and dating compatible singles- email us at lifechangecoach@verizon.net Also feel free to browse the site and read the many columns and articles archived there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.



CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

 


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