The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

Fall is officially here with its shorter days, cooler temperatures (in some places), and a shift away from the lazy, laid back days of summer. Hopefully, you had an active dating season and may even have met a special someone who has real relationship potential. If so, how?s it going? Is your summer romance still hot or has it moved to a cooler, less intense, and comfortable phase? For a certain percentage of people, concerns arise when they no longer feel the chemical highs that are common in those first few months and this can lead to a concern that they are ?settling? for less than the real thing. For other folks, those dizzying feelings were never really there- even at the beginning. If this is you or you have been here before, read my 5 best tips on how to tell the difference between the good enough relationship and settling.

If you need more help with your relationship consider coaching. We have a great deal of experience in helping people meet, date and create healthy and lasting relationships. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com for details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm

If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help and advice.

Quote of the Month

?Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built
against it.?
Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Featured Article: Is this the one or am I settling?

You care deeply for him and call him your best friend. She's an awesome woman and a great friend and confident. You can't imagine your life without him or her-- but is this person the love of your life or are you somehow settling for something else?

If you have been asking yourself this question you may be surprised to know that the answer already exists within you if you know where and how to look for it. Essentially you have to ask yourself the right questions and answer them with complete openness and vulnerability. This approach may sound too simplistic and easy to actually get to the truth, but it is neither. It is the act of hiding from the truth that requires layers of self-deception, rationalization, and denial--all of which get between you and what YOU KNOW deep down in your heart and soul.
The following are an exercise followed by a list of questions that when answered honestly will guide you to the correct answer. Take your time with each one, and if you feel stuck, skip it and go back to it later.


* Rate these "benefits of marriage" in numerical order (1-8) of their importance to you--companionship, financial security, social status, children, sex life, have a life partner, married VS single lifestyle, someone to complete you

* Now rank order these 8 (going from what is strongest to weakest) as they exist in your relationship with your significant other

After you have completed the above, go on to answer the following questions:

* Is your primary relationship goal to find love or to find a partner in order to have children?

* Do you have a history of going from one relationship to the next because you don't like being alone--or are you comfortable with /have experience with living alone/being single?

* Are most of your friends coupled or single?

* Do you feel you are literally running out of time to get married/have children?

* Do you have any past relationships that you feel are unresolved/unfinished for you?

* Do you believe that getting married is an expected and necessary step in everyone's life?

* Are you afraid that there are no suitable people out there for you? Do you fear you will never find a relationship and will grow old alone?

Once you have worked through the above, give yourself some time to reflect on your responses. Sleep on them and ask for input from a trusted friend who knows you well. Make sure you don't go with your safe answer, or the one you want it to be. If you feel a bit unsettle by what you see, you are on the right track. The truth is really very clean and simple--you just have to strip away all the defensive barriers you have carefully constructed. Who knows, this process may lead you to the happy conclusion that yours is the good enough relationship you seek.

End Notes

It seems a fear of ?settling? holds many people back from commitment. Often, I hear folks express the concern that after they have settled on one person they will then meet the love of their life- when it is too late. Maybe it?s the fairy tales we grew up on, those old movies about unrequited and lost love- or the romance novels where love always seems better the second time around? There is such a thing as good enough. For even the most intense love affair will eventually be cooled and tempered by life?s challenges- and the good enough relationship will grow and blossom with time and loving care.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.