The Art of Intimacy

A Newsletter for Searching Singles

October 2007

 

 

 

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love.

                                                                                 Anais Nin

 

 

In This Issue

 

  1. WELCOME
  2. Quick Survey
  3. QUOTE OF THE MONTH
  4. FEATURED ARTICLE:  Online hunters, Gatherers and Dating
  5. END NOTES

 

 

WELCOME

It's hard to believe that it is late October, and that the first fall holiday is less than a month away. It seems that the weather has been strange (to say the least) throughout the US- and around the world as well. Here in Northern Virginia, just outside of the nation's capital, we finally broke our month of at least 80 degree days with no rain. It has been raining for about 5 days now, and the temperature has turned chilly and fall-like. We may even get our first frost this coming week. Yup, fall really is here and it's time to think about the upcoming holidays.

 

When you are single, this time of year can present an even greater challenge to you then to your coupled friends. Like everyone, you want to celebrate with loved ones, but may find that the get-togethers you will be attending are geared towards the needs and interests of couples and families with minor children. Sharing this family fun can be enjoyable for part of your holiday, but in order to truly meet your needs- nothing beats a great time with other solo adults.

 

If you have not yet begun to make your holiday plans, or are struggling with what to do, I have an article that may be useful to you. You can find it at:

http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/03nov.htm#feature

 

The holidays also bring up thoughts of creating one's own family, which begins with a healthy, committed relationship. If you are like most singles, you have at least surfed though sites like Match and yahoo and considered online dating as a real option for meeting someone. It may not be the only answer or the one that is right for everyone- but it does help to expand your social network and to meet people you would never encounter in the circles in which you normally travel. If you are an online dater or considering becoming one- this month's article was written with you in mind. In fact, I wrote it for Yahoo personals- and you can find a version of it there. In it I talk about the importance of women making some first moves, showing interest and offering encouragement to the men whose profiles strike a right cord in them. As always, I am very open to, and grateful for, your feedback.

 

If you need focused help with making that first move or with online dating in general, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. I can help you present your best true self, connect in ways that get the right attention and learn how to screen profiles in order to find your best match. You can view my services at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.

I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, more effective meeting and dating skills and productive and satisfying use of communication. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm.

Want to jazz up your online profile, get feedback on what is working/not working in your approach, or have a new one written for you? Email Toni@consum-mate.com for details on how I can help.

If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help and advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm. If you haven't clicked on our surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input in order to provide what you need most. These can be found on:

http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm or http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm

 

Please consider taking the survey located just below.

Thanks.

 

Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

 

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.


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Quick Survey

For any new subscribers or anyone who hasn't done it yet, but would like to- I'd really appreciate if you could take a minute to do the following survey. The best way to send is to copy and paste just survey into an email form and then put "yes or "no" after each one, followed by a number.

 

Thanks in advance for any feedback you offer.

 

1.  Which of the following topics hold a real interest for you and would be something you would want to know more about?  Please answer "yes" or "no".

Please rank in order from 1 through 11- 1 being the highest interest

 

 

Bad boys

 

Relationship chemistry

 

Nice guys

 

Understanding attraction

 

Groomzilla and the Myth Of Happily Ever After

 

Hooked On the Wrong Chemistry

 

Serial dating

 

Understanding and Overcoming negative Relationship Patterns

 

Dating myths, rituals and rules

 

Tired of Bad Boys/Girls? Change Your Attraction

 

 

 

 

2.  What relationship issues (below) would you be interested in getting help with, or more good information on? Please answer yes or no and rank from 1 through 13, 1 being the one of greatest interest to you.

 

Negative relationship history

 

Attraction to wrong type

 

Love bad boys/girls

 

Commitment phobia

 

Not over a past relationship

 

Fear of settling

 

Problem meeting compatible people to date

 

Never meet people of real interest

 

Don't understand flirting/attraction

 

History of serial dating/relationships; last 1-3 dates

 

Attract people you are not interested in and vice versa

 

Are shy- need help with conversation?

 

Would like to speak body language- know how to read other people

 

Need help with online dating- profiles, how to take relationship offline

 

Rush too fast into sex or hurry relationship

 

Don't know/aren't sure of what you are looking for?

 

Don't know what to say/do after first few dates

 

Roles/expectations for men and women in dating

 

Relationships go from hot to cold- and you are clueless

 

When/how to move a relationship towards commitment

 

  1. How old are you?
  2. What gender are you?

 

THANKS

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Quote Of The Month

The great question...which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?"

Sigmund Freud 

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Featured Article

Online Hunters, Gatherers and Dating

 

 

" Professional, attractive, straightforward woman looking for the real thing. Loves to play games, but not in relationships. In search of an intelligent, financially stable, fun loving, "normal" guy who appreciates a strong, assertive, nurturing woman who is looking for commitment and isn't afraid to say so. Extra points if you have strong shoulders that can be used for support and comfort as needed.

 

If you are a woman, you may be thinking that no man worth having would respond to an ad like the one above. After all, guys don't like women who like them too much, lavish a lot of attention on them, are too available or needy, or (worst of all), take the lead in dating situations. Therefore, the only men who would be interested must be dull, dateless and/or desperate. After all, "every woman" knows the importance of playing hard to get and waiting for the guy to make the first move- don't they?

 

All of you must be acquainted with at least one woman who is a guy magnet. She's the one who always seems to have a boyfriend (or two) and usually attracts the most interest when your group of female friends are out together. Ok, she's attractive and fun, but the same can be said about most (all) of you. So, what does she have that the rest of you don't? Hint: Think effective body language, positive non-verbal and verbal communication, healthy self-esteem and an ability and willingness to assertively use these to make the right connection. Learning the secrets of a successful dater could help you to attract the kind of man you seek and leave him wanting to know more.

 

As a dating coach who has worked with many clients of both sexes, I have been on the front lines with singles seeking many different kinds of dating experiences. I have encountered bad boys, nice guys, strong women, shy women, the marriage minded, the commitment-phobes, those who have little or no dating experience and those with active and satisfying dating histories. What I have learned is that ultimate success comes to those who are honest and open about what they are looking for, willing to take initiative, and who actively participate in the chase. That's right, ladies- this means you too. You must be willing to break, or at least bend the rules as you learn to challenge the myths that say men must always be the hunters and women the elusive prey.

 

The following tips will assist you in writing your own set of rules- ones that will work well for you if you remember that you may have to unlearn some of the things you have been taught to believe about what men like and don't like.

 

  • Come up with two or three subtle moves that you can make towards a guy whose online profile catches your eye. Try using your imagination and thinking outside the box. Winking, sending a brief, intriguing email that comments on something he said or on one of his interests, or sharing something about yourself that helps you to stand out are always the easiest to start with. Keep it simple, honest and sincere.

 

  • If a guy winks (winks back) at you, don't wait to respond. Look over his profile and send an email ASAP. Many women report having waited too long and then learning too late that he has met someone of interest in the meantime.

 

  • Don't wait more than two weeks after your first contact for HIM to suggest that first meeting. If you have been regularly communicating back and forth, go for it. Make it easy for him by having a tentative and convenient plan in mind already and make sure that it is one that requires you to share the effort jointly. Just simply put it out there- if he's interested he will let you know, if he hesitates or avoids giving a response, he is not the guy for you.

 

 

  • Put a genuine effort into that first meeting. Try to look your best and communicate real interest in him and what he has to say. Be open and honest in your conversation without over-sharing in an inappropriate manner. Let him know if you had a good time and that you'd love to get together again.

 

     

  • Don't represent yourself as only looking for a good time or as not interested in a serious relationship if this is not so. If it comes up, state your relationship goals simply and honestly and move on to something else. Don't elaborate on your ticking clock, desire for a large family or other imperatives for sealing the deal quickly.

 

 

  • If you really like the guy, communicate this through your eyes, posture, smile and other facial expressions and by telling him that you enjoy talking with him, sharing time with him, and would like to know him better.

 

 

 

  • For my last tip, I want you to think about your men friends who are in healthy, satisfying relationships- and ask them how they feel about women making the first move. Don't be surprised if at least one of them shares that his significant other was the one who approached him first. Listen carefully when he tells you that women who know what they want and go after it are a turn on. Pay attention to his comments about women who expect men to do all the work as they communicate with mixed messages peppered with bits of drama and tiring mind games. In other words, get a man's perspective, then go out there in cyber space and be open to making the first move.

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End Notes

This month's article was written to help you have a more successful and productive online dating experience. Change is hard for all of us, and after doing something the same way over time, it becomes all too comfortable. Try to remember that the people who achieve their relationship goals do so by taking carefully weighed risks. Nothing comes to those who play it safe and are unwilling to try something new. So go out there and fix up your profile, send some winks, approach that person you are so attracted to that they scare you. What have you got to lose? If you need some help, email me at Toni@consum-mate.com

 

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Contact Information

 

Toni Coleman, LCSW

PO Box 7206

McLean, VA 22101

Consum-mate.com

Phone: 703-847-1768

E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com

Web: http://consum-mate.com

 

 

©Copyright 2002-2007, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.

 

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.

 

 

 

 

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