The Art Of Intimacy
A Newsletter for Searching Singles
November 2007
The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love.
Anais Nin
In This Issue:
- WELCOME
- Quick Survey
- QUOTE OF THE MONTH
- FEATURED ARTICLE: The Bachelor: Reality Dating Finally Got Real
5.END NOTES
_____________________________________________
- WELCOME
Hope all of you had a restful holiday and had at least one thing in your life to give a resounding "thank you" for. Now we are heading straight towards THE HOLIDAYS, complete with the office party, shopping, travel plans, excuses not to travel, more shopping- all ending with that "couples event' called New Years. I wonder how many scrooges are out there, wishing they could just go to sleep and it would all be over when they awake.
Every year I get asked about how single people can have a holiday season that meets their needs and complements their lifestyle. Certainly single folks enjoy spending time with family, getting gifts and doing things with siblings, parents, and especially children- who remind us of that magic we felt long ago. So, what is missing? How about that sense that these holidays are for EVERYONE, and therefore, would be more complete and satisfying when some of the celebrations center on the interests and needs of solo adults.
I have written articles on handling holiday stress, planning for the holidays, getting a date for the office holiday party and celebrating New Years - single style. I'm sending the links in case you haven't yet read them- and are perhaps in need of some helpful tips.
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/03nov.htm#feature
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02dec.htm#feature
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/04nov.htm#feature
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/04dec.htm#feature
Every month I get a great deal of mail with questions related to dynamics that have occurred between people after they have had one date, or perhaps several dates. Things like mixed messages, promises to call followed by no contact and/or a sudden cooling off when everything had felt so right to the other person. Folks write to me for help in interpreting what has happened and asking for assistance in addressing it with the other person, or if this is not possible- learn from it so it doesn't happen again. So, for this month's article, I decided to use the most recent "Bachelor" episode as a real life tool/example as I delve into the critical first stage of dating with all its mixed messages, hot and cold feelings and often "sudden" changes in feelings and attitudes.
In case you did not watch the series, this most recent Bachelor had a last minute change of heart and did not choose either of the two women he had shown so much affection and caring for. Instead, he sent them both home with unanswered questions. In an episode called "After the rose ceremony," he appeared along with these two women to discuss that final episode and answer questions. It was clear that he was the "bad guy" to women in the audience and, I suspect, women watching at home. But was he? Read on to hear my interpretation of what really happened.
If you need focused help with your dating life, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. I can help you explore your dating history and identify what may have been working against you and contributing to a lack of success moving to the next stage. You can view my services at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.
I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, more effective meeting and dating skills and productive and satisfying use of communication. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm.
Want to jazz up your online profile, get feedback on what is working/not working in your approach, or have a new one written for you? Email Toni@consum-mate.com for details on how I can help.
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help and advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm. If you haven't clicked on our surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input in order to provide what you need most. These can be found on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm or http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm
Please consider taking the survey located just below. Thanks.
Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.
- Quick Survey
For any new subscribers or anyone who hasn't done it yet, but would like to- I'd really appreciate if you could take a minute to do the following survey. The best way to send is to copy and paste just survey into an email form and then put "yes" or "no" after each one, followed by a number.
Thanks in advance for any feedback you offer.
1. Which of the following topics hold a real interest for you and would be something you would want to know more about? Please answer "yes" or "no."
Please rank in order from 1 through 11- 1 being the highest interest
Bad boys
Relationship chemistry
Nice guys
Understanding attraction
Groomzilla and the Myth Of Happily Ever After
Hooked On the Wrong Chemistry
Serial dating
Understanding and Overcoming negative Relationship Patterns
Dating myths, rituals and rules
Tired of Bad Boys/Girls? Change Your Attraction
2. What relationship issues (below) would you be interested in getting help with, or more good information on? Please answer yes or no and rank from 1 through 13, 1 being the one of greatest interest to you.
Negative relationship history
Attraction to wrong type
Love bad boys/girls
Commitment phobia
Not over a past relationship
Fear of settling
Problem meeting compatible people to date
Never meet people of real interest
Don't understand flirting/attraction
History of serial dating- "relationships" last 1-3 dates
Attract people you are not interested in and vice versa
Are shy- need help with conversation?
Would like to speak body language- know how to read other people
Need help with online dating- profiles, how to take relationship offline
Rush too fast into sex or hurry relationship
Don't know/aren't sure of what you are looking for?
Don't know what to say/do after first few dates
Roles/expectations for men and women in dating
Relationships go from hot to cold- and you are clueless
When/how to move a relationship towards commitment
- How old are you?
- What gender are you?
THANKS
- QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."
- Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw
- FEATURED ARTICLE
It was the final rose ceremony. Brad Womack had eliminated 23 women and was down to his final choice- Deanna or Jenni. The stage was set, each women looking beautiful and hopeful as she walked towards him and the future she envisioned would be waiting. First, he said a heartfelt and emotional good-bye to Jenni. Then came the anticipated final scene as Deanna came out and Brad quickly told her that he had said good-bye to her competition. We watched as her body language showed relief and happiness. Then, everything changed. Brad became quiet, tense and asked for a moment as he walked away and circled around- appearing to shake off a difficult feeling and clear himself for what was coming next. With much sincerity he told her how much he cared for her, but that he could not tell her he loved her- and because of this he had to say good-bye. She was
shocked and tearful yet attempted to get some explanation from him as to why. He was only able to reiterate that his feelings were not enough. It was a shocking ending to anyone who had followed the show and heard Brad talk about his strong feelings for these two women he had spent 6 weeks with- and shared friendship, fun and even intimacy with. So what happened?
The network got Brad, Deanna and Jenni together for an after episode to delve into and try to answer this question. Brad met onstage with each woman as they shared their hurt feelings and asked him to explain. He sat close to them, held each woman's hand and talked about how much they had meant to him- as he repeated his belief that he was sure he had made the right decision, even if he himself did not fully understand what had happened. He added that he believes he may need help to deal with a possible problem related to commitment and intimacy- and that he planned to get it. Throughout the episode, women in the audience showed anger, frustration and disbelief towards his decision and several wondered aloud why he could not find that right women out of 25 beautiful, eligible ladies. Both Jenni and Deanna asked why he hadn't at least left
open the possibility of something in the future by offering a rose, but no proposal. All good questions...
Is it possible that Brad's only real "problem" is that he did not feel a strong enough connection- and enough of the right chemistry- to take it to the next level with one of them? I think it is very possible, and found myself reflecting on past matches through the show- and their dismal track record. It seems the producers were concerned about the same thing as they brought on the only couple who made it to the altar (with their new baby in their arms) and another couple who plan to get engaged "soon", but have not done so after over a year together.
We all know that reality dating shows don't truly reflect dating in the real world. Contestants are chosen by the show's staff, based on looks, age and other criteria only they really know. Then they are gathered together in an idyllic and controlled environment, where interactions are carefully staged and where producers manipulate and choreograph the scenes that are not left on the cutting room floor. Everything is provided and each "date" is carefully planned by the staff, not the contestants. There is no real world backdrop of career demands, financial constraints, bad days, conflicting schedules, and all the other realities that a single person contends with when they meet that new person and explore the possibility of a relationship.
In addition, there is that expectation that their "future husband or wife" is among this group- and that by making careful decisions they will find them. All the while there is fierce competition among the ones vying to be noticed and chosen, and little real time alone with any of them, which all leads to behaviors and expressed emotions that may have more to do with theatre than real life- even though the players are too caught up in the action to know if what they are feeling is real, or just a by-product of the part they have been chosen for.
In a way, this felt to me like art imitating life. How many people do you know who set out to have a relationship because all their friends are doing it, or they were a certain age and felt the pressure to hurry up before their choices for family were limited- or perhaps entered a relationship because they were afraid to be alone or had just come out of another relationship and could not handle the loss? All of these are considered bad reasons for moving towards commitment with someone- yet they fuel many relationships. So, why are we surprised by the high divorce rate? It could also explain my mail and all those questions about great first dates or new relationships that fizzle without warning or explanation. Maybe this other person was focused on finding a relationship- any relationship. Maybe they created an image in their mind of that right
person, based on little real knowledge of or experience with them- only to discover that they were someone else altogether. Perhaps they moved too fast because they were running away from something, instead of running towards a real desire.
Maybe instead of vilifying Brad we should be praising him for his maturity, honesty and courage. Unless my intuition has gone south on me, I'd say he entered this with a genuine desire to meet that one right woman. His sincerity stood out- and I think he proved that he was the real deal when he resisted getting caught up in the show and instead, walked away alone and without what he had come looking for.
I don't think Brad needs "help" with a commitment problem. I think he needs to reflect on what he is looking for in a woman and take the time and necessary steps to meet, date and build a relationship with the kind of woman he seeks. His work hours are long and he spends most of his time managing his businesses- which are bars. He has said that he doesn't meet the kind of woman he seeks there. So Brad, if you are reading this, I'd like to congratulate you for not getting caught up in something that wasn't real and for following your convictions, even though they brought a lot of criticism and anger down on you and left you standing alone with that final rose.
- END NOTES
This month's article was written to offer some insight to all of you who have been left wondering why your new relationship went from hot to cold. Hopefully, it will give you something to reflect on as you plan your next first date- or maybe help you to sort out the "just looking for a relationship" people from the ones who have been searching for you.
As always, I love feedback and to hear your thoughts- weather you see it the way I do or not.
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