The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for Searching Singles
June 2007

WELCOME

Summer has begun! I don't know about you, but I love the changing of the seasons- and each one brings a new feeling, new desires and that ever present sense of hopefulness about what lies ahead. Once again, nature reflects life, in that the stages we move through as we grow older have their own unique challenges and expectations. As we move from one to the next, we are beginning a new chapter.

However, some things are timeless- like feelings and desires. We have basic needs that, when unmet, leave us with an emptiness- whatever stage of life or age we may be. The desire for an intimate relationship is perhaps the most universal of all wants. When we are young adults we date, fall in love, probably marry- and a certain percentage maintain those relationships over many years, others end up in divorce court, or become single due to the death of their spouse.

Single boomers are a growing population- and they are using online ads, matchmaking services and joining singles groups in record numbers. Their dating and relationship goals and needs are different from younger (never married) daters. As a boomer myself, I have a strong interest in this population and work with many older daters. This month's article was written for all you 45+ singles who are looking for dating help that is geared specifically to you- and provided by someone who understands you needs, and knows where you are coming from.

If you need focused help with your dating or relationship life, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. I can help you explore the right resources for meeting people and work with you on your communication skills, dating issues or anything that has interfered with you having a successful dating life- leading to a happy relationship. You can view my services at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.
I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, more effective meeting and dating skills and productive and satisfying use of communication. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm.
Want to jazz up your online profile, get feedback on what is working/not working in your approach, or have a new one written for you? Email Toni@consum-mate.com for details on how I can help.
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help and advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm. If you haven't clicked on our surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input in order to provide what you need most. These can be found on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm or http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm

Please consider taking the survey located just below. Thanks.

Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.

QUICK SURVEY

I'd really appreciate if you could take a minute to do the following survey. The best way to send is to copy and paste just survey into an email form and then put "yes" or "no" after each one, followed by a number.

Thanks in advance for any feedback you offer.

1. Which of the following topics hold a real interest for you and would be something you would want to know more about? Please answer "yes" or "no."
Please rank in order from 1 through 11- 1 being the highest interest


Bad boys

Relationship chemistry

Nice guys

Understanding attraction

Groomzilla and the Myth Of Happily Ever After

Hooked On the Wrong Chemistry

Serial dating

Understanding and Overcoming negative Relationship Patterns

Dating myths, rituals and rules

Tired of Bad Boys/Girls? Change Your Attraction




2. What relationship issues (below) would you be interested in getting help with, or more good information on? Please answer yes or no and rank from 1 through 13, 1 being the one of greatest interest to you.

Negative relationship history

Attraction to wrong type

Love bad boys/girls

Commitment phobia

Not over a past relationship

Fear of settling

Problem meeting compatible people to date

Never meet people of real interest

Don't understand flirting/attraction

History of serial dating- "relationships" last 1-3 dates

Attract people you are not interested in and vice versa

Are shy- need help with conversation?

Would like to speak body language- know how to read other people

Need help with online dating- profiles, how to take relationship offline

Rush too fast into sex or hurry relationship

Don't know/aren't sure of what you are looking for?

Don't know what to say/do after first few dates

Roles/expectations for men and women in dating

Relationships go from hot to cold- and you are clueless

When/how to move a relationship towards commitment

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

Love, with very young people, is a heartless business. We drink at that age from thirst, or to get drunk; it is only later in life that we occupy ourselves with the individuality of our wine.

- Isak Dinesen

FEATURED ARTICLE

You are a 50 year old, divorced woman who is finding single life and dating to be a different game than you remember…

You are a 48 year old widowed man, with two kids, who wants to be in an intimate relationship again- but who feels overwhelmed by the whole dating scene.

You are a never married 46+ single man/woman who has not been able to create and sustain a committed relationship.

These are only a few examples of "boomer daters"- those older daters who, for one reason or another find themselves looking for love after the age of 46. If you are a member of this group, you most likely have encountered some of the unique issues and problems/challenges that older daters face, and perhaps have tried to adapt the generic dating advice available to fit your needs and goals. However, what would be really useful would be to have clarity around what is the same/different for older vs. younger singles- and what approaches and resources would work best for you now.

Let's begin with a list of common variables encountered by boomer daters:

• Fewer available singles in age group
• Difficulty connecting with/meeting older singles
• Lifestyle issues such as recent divorce, children
• Interest in, but unsure about dating outside of age group, religion, race, social/educational group
• Concerns about step parenting/blended family life
• Older but childless and desiring children
• Have children and don't want more
• Financial, medical, lifestyle considerations

Let's look at how these differ from younger daters whose common issues are below:

• Difficulty meeting compatible, available singles
• Questions about dating outside of religion, race, social group
• Not sure of dating/relationship goals at this stage of life
• Not ready for commitment- looking for fun/experience
• Ready for commitment- people you have dated are not
• Are often attracted to wrong type or attract wrong type
• Often attracted to younger/older singles
• No time for a relationship
• Rarely date- socialize with groups of friends

As you can see from these lists, age is not just a number- it often defines our life stage, relationship needs and goals and overall lifestyle wants and concerns. It seems that only a few variables are ageless- like difficulty meeting your right type and questions around dating outside of age bracket, race, religion, and social/educational group.

When you are an older dater, you have a more established lifestyle, career, home life and social network. You are often looking for someone who can join your life and blend in with it. Most likely you value intellectual chemistry and friendship over physical chemistry- often not true with younger daters. Your search for that right someone will need to be more focused, and one that requires efficiency not needed when we are younger- and have fewer family obligations and other responsibilities. There may be considerations involving dependent children (his/hers) or a desire for having kids or not wanting anymore- that can lead to a deal breaker situation with someone you feel you have the right connection with.

All of these difference add up to a need to design an approach to dating and finding a relationship that fits your specific needs. Everything from the content of your personal ad to choosing the right leisure activities, singles groups and events for solo adults- should be carefully researched and planned for. It all begins with knowing what you must have and can't live without in your future relationship, then finding the right places and resources for helping put you in the right place at the right time. Then it will be up to you to work on your presentation, self-marketing and communication skills- all of which will help you to connect with that interesting stranger and lead this first meeting to that first date and beyond.

Stay tuned for my future articles on self-marketing for the savvy boomer dater, and effective flirting for boomers through use of good verbal and non-verbal communication.

END NOTES

Hopefully this month's article will offer some inspiration to all you boomer daters to go out and begin looking for the right dating resources and approaches for you. Perhaps it will also offer some thought or insights to younger daters who can benefit from looking ahead to what matters most in relationships as we mature and move through our lives. As always, I'd love to hear your comments, thoughts, suggestions, gripes or whatever you have to say. Just email Toni@consum-mate.com.

IN THIS ISSUE

1. WELCOME
2. Quick Survey
3. QUOTE OF THE MONTH
4. FEATURED ARTICLE: Boomer Dating: Is Age Only a Number?
4. END NOTES

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com



©Copyright 2002-2007, Antoinette Coleman. All
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