The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for Searching Singles
July 2007

WELCOME

We are into midsummer now- and the days are truly hot, dry and "for the dogs." But the nights are incredible. As the sun sets, the world cools and the fireflies, crickets and warm breezes call us to come out and sit (or walk) for a while. Maybe that is why summer is such a great season for dating and finding relationships. We are out of our cold weather shells and looking for ways to play- and for other like minded people to join us. Check out the activities available in your community. Concerts in the park, wine tasting at the local zoo or museum, day trips to historic or other interesting attractions, moonlight hikes, and so much more are going on all around you. Don't sit home because "no one" is available to go out. There are many things you can sign up for and go solo to- and be anything but alone.

This month's article was written to help any of you who are struggling with a bad habit or two- that you would like to be rid of. After all, bad habits can get in the way of what we want, keep us from doing what is good for us, keep us from achieving that important goal- or just ruin our day. Ridding yourself of these and replacing them with something productive and positive is a great step towards having the life you want- and keeping it.

If you need focused help with breaking a bad habit, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. I can help you identify what is not working for you, what triggers it, what techniques would be best for you to employ to make the changes you want, etc. You can view my services at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.
I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, more effective meeting and dating skills and productive and satisfying use of communication. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm.
Want to jazz up your online profile, get feedback on what is working/not working in your approach, or have a new one written for you? Email Toni@consum-mate.com for details on how I can help.
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help and advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm. If you haven't clicked on our surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input in order to provide what you need most. These can be found on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm or http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm

Please consider taking the survey located just below. Thanks.

Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.

QUICK SURVEY

For any new subscribers or anyone who hasn't done it yet, but would like to- I'd really appreciate if you could take a minute to do the following survey. The best way to send is to copy and paste just survey into an email form and then put "yes" or "no" after each one, followed by a number.

Thanks in advance for any feedback you offer.

1. Which of the following topics hold a real interest for you and would be something you would want to know more about? Please answer "yes" or "no."
Please rank in order from 1 through 11- 1 being the highest interest


Bad boys

Relationship chemistry

Nice guys

Understanding attraction

Groomzilla and the Myth Of Happily Ever After

Hooked On the Wrong Chemistry

Serial dating

Understanding and Overcoming negative Relationship Patterns

Dating myths, rituals and rules

Tired of Bad Boys/Girls? Change Your Attraction




2. What relationship issues (below) would you be interested in getting help with, or more good information on? Please answer yes or no and rank from 1 through 13, 1 being the one of greatest interest to you.

Negative relationship history

Attraction to wrong type

Love bad boys/girls

Commitment phobia

Not over a past relationship

Fear of settling

Problem meeting compatible people to date

Never meet people of real interest

Don't understand flirting/attraction

History of serial dating- "relationships" last 1-3 dates

Attract people you are not interested in and vice versa

Are shy- need help with conversation?

Would like to speak body language- know how to read other people

Need help with online dating- profiles, how to take relationship offline

Rush too fast into sex or hurry relationship

Don't know/aren't sure of what you are looking for?

Don't know what to say/do after first few dates

Roles/expectations for men and women in dating

Relationships go from hot to cold- and you are clueless

When/how to move a relationship towards commitment

3. How old are you?
4. What gender are you?

THANKS

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones."
-W Somerset Maygham

FEATURED ARTICLE

You didn't really think about it beforehand. Instead, you were feeling a certain way, and the behavior kicked in. It was only afterwards, when the disgust and self recrimination surfaced that you stopped to reflect and ask yourself if this "bad habit" is the result of too much stress, never having enough time, a need for a quick way to relax and kick back, a needed treat after an especially hard day or week- or perhaps a way to deal with that uncomfortable anticipation that always comes before certain social, business or family events. Whatever the reason, you now feel embarrassment and regret and make yourself a quiet vow to break this habit- then you go along just fine until the next time you find yourself in one of those moods…

You know you have acquired a bad habit when practicing it leads to emotional and physical discomfort and/or harm- and has a negative impact on your self-esteem, health, productivity, work life, and/or family and other relationships. Sometimes this behavior is premeditated, much of the time it is not. You know you want and need to utilize more effective ways of coping and build healthy habits instead, but can never find the time and fear you lack the willpower to make the necessary changes.

Nothing occurs in a vacuum- and this is certainly true about behavior. We all carry innate predispositions, and are imprinted by the attitudes and behavior of our role models and past experiences- all of which shape who we are, what we believe, and how we choose to deal with the challenges and stressors in our lives and the feelings that accompany them. Each time we use a behavior, we are reinforcing it- and moving towards a more unconscious and entrenched response that helps us to deny or create reality, until what we are doing can be rationalized- at least for a time. So, what can we do to help us let go and detach from that behavior and replace it with positive and well thought out ways of coping?

Here is a 4 step "break that habit" action plan you can try:

The first step is to begin identifying the where, when and who behind your habit. Note specific problem times of the day/week, social and work situations that leave you longing for your "fix"- or any particular people or events that trigger a negative response. Make a note of both the frequency of the problem behavior surfacing and what you were feeling just before, during and after it happened. Keep a notebook handy and make quick notes throughout your day. It's surprising how faulty memory can be.


The second step is to plan for the next time by coming up with (in advance) some productive and positive ways that you can respond when those vulnerable moments occur. Work through possible scenarios in your mind and ask yourself (for each one), what could I choose to do differently before during or afterwards. Be creative here and come up with resources to help you. Consider things like talking to someone who is supportive, taking a break to walk, spending a few moments in meditation- or anything that offers some comfort and an opportunity to reflect and redirect you, away from your fix. By planning in advance, you will be able to use your thinking side when it is needed, which will help you to maintain a clearer and more detached perspective when the negative stressor presents.



The third step is to consider simple lifestyle changes to help you build your internal resources and develop a more positive outlook and view of yourself. These changes can range from very simple things like getting up 10 minutes earlier each day and reflecting on your day, listing at least one or two things you are grateful for- to more complex ones like setting aside time and other resources to pursue a dream or long held personal goal.


The fourth step is to identify what is missing from your life and/or what you would like to make better. Bad habits usually derive from an avoidance of emotional discomfort or pain, such as loss, loneliness or other sadness- and are used to self medicate, as they mask or dull one's emotions. They are easier to break for good when your life is working better for you- and you are able to meet some of your important needs. Therefore, identifying goals and focusing on their achievement is a great bad habit buster and way to build new good ones.

Breaking bad habits is not a simple, one step process. However, if you work to identify your triggers, develop new and better coping mechanisms, begin to incorporate some simple but effective lifestyle changes and identify the areas of your life that are not working for you, and set realistic goals to achieve these- you will break those bad habits and learn to behave in ways you love.

END NOTES

This month's article was written to help all of you who may be struggling to make a positive and lasting change in your life. Change is hard for all of us, and after doing something over and over, it becomes instinctual and all too comfortable- so letting it go can leave us with a large hole, as we search for a way to fill it with something new and better. Because change is a process, it requires a daily effort. It does not have to be a big effort. In fact, the greatest changes often occur as a result of consistent and well thought out baby steps. Begin today to have the life you want and are capable of achieving.

IN THIS ISSUE

1. WELCOME
2. Quick Survey
3. QUOTE OF THE MONTH
4. FEATURED ARTICLE: Change Your Life: Break That Bad Habit
4. END NOTES

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com


©Copyright 2002-2007, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.



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