1. WELCOME

2. QUOTE OF THE MONTH

3. FEATURED ARTICLE: Learning The Language Of DatingSpeak

4. END NOTES

Here in Northern Virginia we have been experiencing an "Unwinter." Until the middle of this month we had been walking around in shorts and t-shirts and dreaming about snow since Christmas. A cold front is here now and there are a few flakes in the air, so maybe we will get one real storm before spring. Seasons like this can feel almost surreal, as we look for ways to get into a winter state of mind. Of course, there are some of you out there who have had more than your share of winter- as fierce storms have raged across the Midwestern and western parts of the US and Europe.

How has your winter state of mind been going? Groundhog day is right around the corner, the big "V" day is only a couple of weeks away and if Phil sees his shadow- it's only 6 weeks till spring. This is a great time to take stock of how you are doing with your resolutions and remember that if you have fallen off the wagon- it's an easy few steps back on. I just read an article in The Washington Post about how gym memberships, which swell after January 1^st will be dropping off to their yearly low by the end of February- which is about the time most folks have all but forgotten what they resolved to change and make better in 2007.

In the spirit of helping to stay on track with your relationship goals, I have written an article designed to help you have a more productive and positive dating life. My mailbox is deluged every month with emails asking me to interpret what someone's date or boyfriend/girlfriend really meant when they said____. So, read on for tips to help you become fluent in the confusing language of datingspeak.

If you need focused help with relationship communication, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. Learn how to say what you mean with confidence and correctly interpret the communication of significant others. You can view my services at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.

I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, more effective meeting and dating skills and productive and satisfying use of communication. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm.

Want to jazz up your online profile, get feedback on what is working/not working in your approach, or have a new one written for you? Email Toni@consum-mate.com for details on how I can help.

If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help and advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm. If you haven't clicked on our surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input in order to provide what you need most. These can be found on:

http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm or http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm

Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.

Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say "This is a really bad time for me," or something like "I just need some space," or my personal favorite "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly "Try harder, stupid," but which one is it?

                                                                               -Alex Hitch Hitchens

Have you ever had the unpleasant experience of needing to tell someone that you have dated one or more times that your feelings are just not there, not in that way? If so, how did you express this? Were you direct and open or evasive as you offered lame excuses and comments like, "It's not you, it's work." Did you leave that other person up in the air, wondering how they could be supportive or understanding as they put their dating life on hold until you were ready?

Or perhaps you have been on the other end. You met this guy online and clicked from that first glance. After emailing for weeks and countless phone conversations over a brief period of time- you made plans to meet. You were psyched that finally you had found just what you were looking for- and he felt the same. You met in a nice restaurant, shared good conversation and seemed to have a nice evening. At the close of the date he said things would be hectic for a few weeks, but he would give you a call. Three weeks have passed and you haven't even received a response to your email, thanking him for the nice dinner. What happened?

The language of dating or "datingspeak", can be filled with mixed messages, empty words, and flowery promises that are never kept. It can take you to cloud nine one minute, and leave you in the emotional pits the next. In order to understand it, you must learn to listen with a third ear, as you read the non-verbal cues that will help you interpret it correctly. In order to become proficient in using it, you must learn to weigh your words carefully and find gentle but clear ways to express your feelings, desires and intentions.

The following tips will help you communicate your way to relationship success:

• Think through what you want to say before you say it. It is much better to hesitate and express your difficulty honestly. This will help to send a sincere and congruent message to the other person. It will also help to ensure that you don't blurt out something that gives false hope or is needlessly hurtful.

• Have a script ready for first dates. It is helpful to anticipate beforehand the different reaction and emotions that may come up. You can then think through what you will say if you don't feel the right connection with this person and therefore, will not want to see them again. Be clear, but gentle- and do not offer a contradictory mixed message for them to chew on for days afterwards.

• Never say something that is not true due to a fear of hurting the other person's feelings. It is far more hurtful to tell an untruth which offers false hopes and leaves the other person up in the air and on hold- waiting for your next move.

• Pay attention to his/her eyes, facial expressions and posture as they talk. If they are saying one thing but doing another- something is not right. If you focus more on the non-verbal messages you are getting- you will have a much better chance of "hearing" the truth.

• If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. NEVER ignore your instincts. Check it by asking questions and pushing for more clarification.

• If someone says they had a nice time and will call you after things settle down, but don't- it's a good bet they never will. When someone is truly interested, they will find a way to call, email, etc. There is always time for the things we care about.

• If you are dating someone and they suddenly "disappear" for a while, then resurface with no explanation other than a rendition of their busy life and countless demands on their time and energy- beware. Again, no matter how busy someone is, when they really care- they make you a priority.

The next time you have the urge to write me with a question about what your date said or what your boyfriend/girlfriend really means when they say___, try applying these tips first. If you still can't sort it out, let me know and we'll figure it out together.

Hopefully this month's article will save you from the wasted time, energy and angst that occurs when communication is unclear or worse- dishonest. Don't waste your precious time or that of someone else. Use compassion and honesty. Then no matter what the message is- the receiver will feel respected and free to move on to a chance with someone who could be the right one for them

Did you notice I didn't say one word about Valentine's Day- well, maybe one. If you are looking for some tips for having a good "single" Valentine's Day, go to:

http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/03feb.htm#feature

Toni Coleman, LCSW

PO Box 7206

McLean, VA 22101

Consum-mate.com

Phone: 703-847-1768

E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com

Web: http://consum-mate.com

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