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WELCOME
I don't know about all of you, but I have slipped into
some sort of late summer slump. It may be the weather, but I suspect it
has to do with all the things that come with the close of summer and the
beginning of fall- which seems to be the new New Year. I have been rushing
around getting the house and yard in order and dealing with the stacks of
paperwork associated with my kids and school- even though three of them
are teens, and I thought that part would lessen over time. Somehow this
time of year brings about a paradox of wanting to "clean house" and get
everything in order before the big fall season- yet there is an inertia we
have to shake off in order to get any of it done. The result seems to be an
endless list of things that are half done and pushed back another day or
week.
If any of you can relate to this, I recommend you give into your need
to go at whatever pace is best for you. Avoid phrases like "I know I
should be…" or beating yourself up for not getting to all those things you
had such great intentions to accomplish. Instead, take a night and go hear
your favorite band or sit by the pool and read that summer novel. Better
yet, sign up for and attend some new singles event that has caught you
eye, but you have yet to act on. Go out and play and enjoy the last of
these warmer, longer days. All those things will still be there when you
are ready.
This month's article was written by the former editor of Men's Health,
who wrote a great book titled, "Men, Love & Sex." It offers a great look
into how men really feel about relationships, what they want from women
and what makes them fall in love. This article is an excerpt from that
book. For all you women out there- here's one to ponder as you lay by the
pool, watch the sun rise or set, sit under the night sky- or engage in any
one of those wonderful and soul nourishing breaks from reality and all
those distractions that can come between you and what you really desire.
If you need focused help dealing with understanding and connecting
with men (or women), consider coaching. I offer assistance from one
session up, depending upon your needs. Learn how to tune in to your
instincts and follow them to a healthy and mutually committed
relationship. You can view my services at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.
I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship
readiness, more effective meeting and dating skills and productive and
satisfying use of communication. These can be found on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm.
Want to jazz up your online profile, get feedback on what is
working/not working in your approach, or have a new one written for you?
Email Toni@consum-mate.com for details on how I can help.
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help
and advice, you can find these on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm. If you haven't clicked on our
surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input in order
to provide what you need most. These can be found on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm or
http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm
Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at
Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter.
Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need
of some relationship building advice.
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What Makes a Man Fall In Love
What Makes a Man Fall in Love?
Why we can't let love in until you've shown us the way -- and the
simple words that can unleash our deepest affections.
Question: Guys, do you believe you've met your soul mate?
Yes, I'm with her right now: 53 Percent
Yes, but we're no longer together: 14 Percent
Yes, but we were never together as a couple: 9 Percent
No: 24 Percent
Think of a great relationship as though it were a great meal: A
delicious, meaty steak of sexual passion accompanied by a fine, delicate
wine of romance and commitment. Both of us want it all -- the perfect,
satisfying course. And we need both -- steak by itself is dry and
unsatisfying; and wine will get you tipsy, but it won't satisfy your
hunger. Now, before the metaphor police revoke my license, let me simply
push this analogy a little further: Men are a little more focused on the
meat of the relationship, and women a bit more on the wine. But both sexes
want to get up from the table completely satisfied. Need evidence? More
than three-fourths of men believe in soul mates (see above). And when we
asked our guys to choose between meeting the love of their life or having
amazing sex for six months, 92 percent chose falling in love. (The other 8
percent were probably Maxim readers.) Consider what these three men said
about the experience of falling in love:
* "We need to feel love, loyalty, and chemistry above all else," says
Ian, 31.
* "Men also feel the butterflies and giddiness that women do when
they're in love," says Robert, 26.
* "Women don't realize most guys are in love long before they are
willing to admit it to anyone," says Drew, 30.
So why then does it always seem like women are leading the
relationship toward commitment, and men need to be dragged along like a
preschooler to a dentist appointment? Because in the early-on Strategic
game of dating, we need to see where you're moving first.
Consider this: Less than half of men say they're typically the first
ones to say "I love you" in a relationship, and more women than men
initially broach the subject of taking the relationship to the next
level.
That points to the notion that what men really want when it comes to
love is your assurance -- your permission, really -- that it's okay to let
the butterflies out of the cage.
Michael, 37, a restaurant owner in North Carolina, says he's cautious
about expressing himself early on -- not because he's complacent or wants
to play games or wants to make the woman squirm like a mouse in a cat's
mouth. He holds back because he's waiting to get the signal that it's okay
to press the accelerator.
"I love to hear that I'm her dream come true, or some version of that,
if that's the case," he says. "I need a little praise and attention, just
as much as she needs it from me. That's the sign I need. Then, I know I
can give her what she needs."
Chris, 29, a recently married public defender, agrees. "Men need to be
told that they're wanted," he says. "Women forget that if they like a nice
guy, that the nice guy might be too nervous to tell them what he feels."
And then he added this interesting insight: "Women need to be more open to
being hurt the way guys are every day."
Hold on a second. Guys are hurt more often than women?
Hmm. Think about it: In the romance game, it's usually the man who
makes the first move (usually after you've dropped him countless hints
waiting for him to finally pick up on them). But in doing so, men open
themselves up to more rejection than a telemarketing trainee. And believe
me; even George Clooney has a psychic master list of turn-downs that he
still winces over from time to time. So once a man has crossed that first
barrier -- okay, you like him, it's safe -- he's reluctant to cross the
next. Like monkeys in a lab, we've been shocked plenty of times before,
and if we're in a safe place with you, we're happy simply to stay there.
So it's a delicate balance -- a woman needs to signal that it's okay for
him to take the next step, without making him feel as if he's being pushed
toward it. Let him know that you feel there's something really special
between you. Let him know it's okay if he lets himself feel that, too. But
proceed cautiously -- there's danger ahead, as you'll see.
How Do I Know Where This Relationship is heading?
I've been seeing a guy for about three weeks, and I feel like it's
going to be pretty serious. After the first two dates, we've been seeing
each other a lot. Last week, we got together twice during the week and
twice on the weekend. I'd like to talk about where this is headed, but I
don't want to scare him away. I just want to make sure we're both on the
same page about where we are, whether we're seeing other people, and where
this might go. What's he thinking?
He's thinking that, three weeks into dating, he doesn't want to have
this conversation. To him, that's a relationship birth announcement.
Today, we welcome the birth of a beautiful committed couple, weighing in
at eight dates, two movies, and six orgasms (five for him, one for her):
It's Bob and Cindy! Congratulations! It's too formal, too official, too
planned. And that formality serves as the fire extinguisher to the initial
spark he's been feeling. "The only thing worse than a woman who doesn't
show any interest after a few dates is a woman who shows too much," says
Anthony, 25. Terry, 32, adds: "Slow down. Please don't tell us that you
love us after three weeks." Think of it this way. You know how you don't
like when he skips the foreplay and goes right to the sex? When you talk
about the status of a relationship too early, it's like skipping the
foreplay of pursuit and going right to the private parts of commitment. If
he's seeing you four times a week, then it's a good sign that your
relationship is headed in the right direction. Just let him have some fun
-- and some mystery -- while he's getting there.
How Do I Know When It's Time to Tell Him my Feelings?
I've been seeing a man for only two months. Perfect guy. He's funny,
has a great job, I love hanging out with him. We even took this great
weekend vacation together and everything seemed to click. I just have this
feeling that this is going to work, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same
way. I don't want to blow it, and while I obviously don't want to pretend
to be somebody that I'm not, I also don't want to do anything that could
jeopardize the relationship. Any hints for how to take things from here?
Two months may seem like a blip on the relationship radar, but for
some guys, that qualifies as a full-fledged era. At this point, men
certainly want some honesty. "If she is more open with me, I'll be more
open with her, especially at the beginning when you're both feeling each
other out, emotionally," says Warren, 33. But that comes with a caution.
Feel free to be honest about your feelings, but don't make assumptions
about his. Don't use the word us. At this stage, you'll solidify your
primo status if you talk about what you like about him, what you get out
of a relationship with him, what turns you on about him. Us scares him;
him excites him. (Yes, we're our own favorite subject, but that's just
human nature.) It's a way of saying you love the relationship while giving
him the ego-boosting rush he craves -- all without making him think you're
brushing up on the four Cs of diamond shopping. At this still-early stage,
that's a secret to tip-toeing between giving him permission to love and
giving him a reason to leave.
Should I Give Him an Ultimatum?
My live-in boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a
year and a half, living together for somewhere around six months. I'm 31
and my family is giving me a hard time -- like I should just go ahead and
move on if he's not going to be the one because I'm wasting time. My best
friend even says to me that there's no way he's going to marry me because
he's getting all the sex of a nonmarried relationship without the
commitment. I've debated a lot about giving him an ultimatum or a
deadline, but something tells me that's a bad idea. How will I know if
he's ever going to be ready to make the next step?
You may think that men are afraid of the marriage commitment because
we want to leave options open, because we're waiting for something better,
or because we fear it'll be the official end of hot-tub sex. Jay, 30, says
a man's hesitation isn't about indifference; it's actually the opposite.
"Men are just as unsure about the relationship thing as women," he says.
"I'm getting married in a couple months to a woman I love deeply, who I
know will be a fantastic wife and mother to my future children. Is she my
soul mate? Tough question, but if not, she's pretty darn close." When we
decide we want to be married, we want to do the right thing -- for both of
us. So should you give him an ultimatum? I don't think so. If you've been
honest with him about your feelings for him -- for him, not for "the
relationship" -- then you're probably at the point in your relationship
where you should be able to ask him straight up about his feelings for
you. If he can't tell you what he thinks and what he feels, well, that's
probably your answer.
Reprinted from: Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women
by David Zinczenko with Ted Spiker C 2006 David Zinczenko. Permission
granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are
sold or directly from the publisher by calling at (800) 848-4735.
David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men's Health magazine, has written
op-ed pieces for the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, and USA Today and
is a frequent guest on the Today show, talking about men and
relationships. In 2003, People magazine named him one of the "50 Most
Eligible Bachelors." He divides his time between Allentown, Pennsylvania,
and New York City.
Ted Spiker, an assistant professor of journalism at the University of
Florida, is a contributing editor to Men's Health. He lives in
Gainesville, Florida.
For more information, visit www.menloveandsex.com
http://www.menloveandsex.com/ or www.rodalestore.com
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