WELCOME

Very often I receive email asking me for my thoughts on a problem, issue or dynamic in someone's relationship. Even though I receive a lot of mail, I have found that certain themes seem to come up more often than others. One of these comes in the form of questions asking me (for instance)- How long someone should wait before dating after a break-up, or if they should be concerned that an ex is contacting their significant other, or perhaps expressing concern that this person they have just met had been pushing too hard, too fast for a relationship, then suddenly cooled or vanished with no explanation. I group all of these together in the category of rebound (or potential) rebound relationships. I thought it would be useful to write about this topic in this month's article, and help all of you to spot the warning signs in someone else or identify any stuff you need to get straight (and put behind you) from your past love relationship(s).

The rebound relationship has no clear definition- it is defined by its traits and the red flags associated with it. So, read on and see if you recognize yourself, your love interest or your relationship. If you do, I will offer some thoughts on, "What do I do now?"

If you need focused help dealing with a past relationship or a present rebound one, consider coaching. I offer assistance from one session up, depending upon your needs. Learn how to tune in to your instincts and follow them to a healthy and mutually committed relationship. You can view my services at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.

I also offer eclasses that provide tools for developing relationship readiness, more effective meeting and dating skills and productive and satisfying use of communication. These can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm.

Want to jazz up your online profile, get feedback on what is working/not working in your approach, or have a new one written for you? Email Toni@consum-mate.com for details on how I can help.

If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help and advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm. If you haven't clicked on our surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input in order to provide what you need most. These can be found on:

http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm or http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm

Whatever your relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

Turn your heartache into joy

She's a girl and you're a boy

Get together, make it tonight…

Just love the one you're with

       -Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

FEATURED ARTICLE

You have been grieving over a lost relationship for six months now. You loved being coupled and are anxious to get out there and meet your new Mr/Ms Right. Your online ad is up, you have been going out with friends, attending singles events and looking for new ways to meet that right someone.

You have had a few one time only dates, but found yourself either thinking about your ex and what that time together was like or just finding SOMETHING either wrong or just not right enough with this new person. When you are home alone, you think about calling or emailing him/her, but can usually talk yourself out of it. When you can't, you usually regret having made contact and not hearing back or (worse?) getting an impersonal reply- talking about their job, events in their life or perhaps the new people they are meeting.

In especially weak moments, you fantasize that they will call and tell you they want to try again or at least tell you they are missing you too. Could it be that you are rebounding? Probably…

The first step for anyone who has recently become "single", due to divorce or a break up- is to work through the loss and come to terms with it, so that you can move forward with an open and truly available heart. Not doing so can lead to a disappointing pattern of serial dating and a belief that you will never find what you are looking for, or worse- that there is no one as right for you as your ex was.

Begin by asking yourself- "If he/she was the right one for me, why did it end?" Once you come up with a list of what the issues/problems were- you should explore the reasons for your attraction in the first place and why you stayed as long as you did. If the break-up was strictly the other person's desire, ask yourself why you did not see it coming and if there were problems that you contributed to or avoided in order to stay with someone who apparently wasn't happy.

When you do this reflection, you will begin to see things a little differently, as your perceptions will be different from the vantage point of being on the outside. Both your ex and what you had together will look less ideal- which will be very important when you move towards someone new.

As you move to this new place of understanding, the next step will be to think about what you DO want and cannot tolerate in a future relationship. Your past relationship will be a valuable learning experience that you can draw on here. Come up with a "shopping list" of qualities and rank order them as to their importance. There is a lot of space between these two extreme, so you will have plenty of room to be open and flexible- which will help you to be realistic and open with the next person that comes along.

At this point it is important to move CONSCIOUSLY towards that interesting stranger or acquaintance. Take note of what you are feeling, what is good and what needs more exploration - always remembering that there is no perfect person or relationship.  Make sure each move is made by using both your heart and your head, and always keep in mind that they will be doing the same- and making compromises by choosing you as well.

END NOTES

This month's article was inspired by all the singles who write to me or come to me for coaching, after discovering they are on one end or the other of a rebound relationship. Summing it up in two words, conscious choices- requires careful and thought out action based on an honest assessment of yourself and/or your past (failed) relationship(s). Happy long-term relationships don't happen by accident- they are created, nurtured and sustained through open sharing and teamwork. Choose wisely and you can avoid being one of the almost 50%, who end up in divorce court- or part of an even greater number who are cycling through painful, short lived or disappointing relationships.