Now that an online personal ad is an essential item in almost every
dater's toolkit, new questions are arising regarding the "right" way to
take a cyber interest consisting of winks and emails to that first face to
face encounter. While there is no one right way to accomplish this, the
following tips touch on the important things to consider and address some
of the most common questions and concerns voiced by virtual daters
everywhere.
Carefully read over their profile and email before you agree to
talk on the phone.
It's
important not to rush the process because they SOUND good on paper and
seem to be what you are looking for. Read between the lines, look for
inconsistencies and ask yourself if anything feels "off." Then, address
your concerns in your next email. It is not necessary to be confrontive or
harsh, just open in your questions and observations. Keep your comments
open-ended, which will help to keep things light and flowing between you-
yet allow you to get the information you need. Too often the desire for a
relationships overrides a person's good judgment. If someone has real
potential, they will not run away from respectfully voiced
questions/concerns.
Don't wait more than a few weeks before
arranging your first meeting (date).
Unless there are very special circumstances, several weeks of
emailing and phone calls should give both people enough information to
decide whether they want to take the next step. If one person always has
an excuse for why they cannot meet and/or is inconsistent in their
communication or virtual availability – this is a red flag that should not
be ignored. If distance is an issue, then this should be discussed upfront,
and a plan for that first date should be included. Otherwise, you may find
yourself in a holding pattern with someone who may not even be who they
say they are and/or may be very different from what you had imagined from
afar.
Don't reveal too much personal information
before you have had the chance to meet in person.
All you can be sure of is
that SOMEONE is on the other end of these emails and phone calls. It will
take time to experience them and evaluate your interactions as you look
for inconsistencies and red flags as well as the positive
traits/connections that you are looking for. As your comfort level
increases and you begin to build some trust, you can slowly share more
personal details. Besides, you need to save some things to talk about on
your first date.
Agree to meet if everything feels right and you
have no big reservations or concerns.
After a few weeks of getting to know someone online, it is time to
make the call about moving forward or not. Your instincts will be your
best guide here; so let them weigh heavily in your decision. Since safety
is always an issue, you should never ignore anything that makes you uneasy
or uncomfortable. Also remember that you will not have the whole picture or
know if the chemistry is truly right until you meet in person.
Practice safety and arrange meet in a public place the first time
You may be old fashioned and believe that the man should pick up
his date; however- this is not a wise practice when you haven't even met
one another yet. So, choose a place where it is very open and there will
be many people around. Also, for you women out there- consider parking in
advance and if you will be required to park in a dark area or far away
from the meeting place. If so, consider taking a cab. Depending upon how
the date goes, you may want to go on from (for instance) coffee to dinner,
or dinner to an after hours place for a drink and/or music. If so, take
your own transportation there, or a cab together. Then, go home to your
own place. If this is the right guy there will be many more dates to
come.
Pick a venue that is both public and flexible.
Even if the person you have been corresponding to online and
talking to by phone sounds perfect, you won't really know if this is
someone you will have the right chemistry with until you meet. Therefore,
it is important to consider choosing that first meeting place with all
scenarios in mind. For instance, if your first thoughts are about how fast
you can comfortably excuse yourself, you will be miserable if you have
committed to attending a professional ballgame, at a distance from home.
However, if you meet at a nice coffee house and the date is going well,
you can always decide to continue on to dinner, drinks, etc. Best times
are lunch or late afternoon, which leave you an easy out or time to
continue on.
If the date is going well, you will want to have some ideas in mind
for how to continue it.
Bring along times for movies, names of clubs and featured
entertainment, or ideas for a nice (close) place to get a bite. Always
bring extra money and your cell.
Be prepared for how to say goodnight.
If the date went well, have a plan for how you can suggest the next
meeting or talk about where to go from there. If necessary, practice some
lines if you have difficulty talking about your feelings due to fears of
rejection. It is often necessary to take a risk to get what you want. If
the date is one you never want to repeat, you will need to find the words
to gently communicate this. Honesty is not only a good thing; it saves the
other person from being left hanging and from repeated attempts to
communicate with you-, which will be unpleasant for both of you. It is not
necessary to be brutally honest about your feelings- just clear that the
connection wasn't there for you and that you want to be upfront and open
about this. They may react badly, but that will be the end of it.
Healthy, successful dating requires self-knowledge, maturity and a
willingness to take risks and handle the disappointments and difficult
moments that everyone needs to go through. If you truly want a
relationship, you will be open to the good and bad that come with finding
and creating one.
