For days you had been anxiously anticipating your
first date with HIM. You met online weeks ago and spent time getting to
know each other through cyber and phone chats. Finally you both felt it
was time to take your virtual relationship to the next step. Meeting at a
nice coffee house after work seemed like the perfect plan. You made a
special effort to look your best and to plan your workday so as to not be
late. You were nervous but feeling positive that this, at last, could be
the start of something real.
The
traffic was awful and you were 20 minutes late, causing you to feel rushed
and a bit on edge. It was hard to tell, but he seemed a bit annoyed when
you finally came face to face. You must have been distracted by this-
because you didn't shake his hand or offer a warm greeting before you sat
down together. The conversation seemed to get stuck on the bad traffic,
your awful workload, your difficult boss and your repeated apologies for
being late. You emphasized frequently that you are a fun person who is
always on time. You went on to share many of your other virtues because
you felt it was important for him to understand that this was not the real
you- just a bad first impression. He seemed rather quiet and perhaps a bit
edgy and you noticed him looking at his watch a few times. He mentioned
that he had to meet a friend later and you panicked, trying to think of
more to say to change his mind. So, how did it go so terribly wrong? What
did you do or not do that turned this into another dating
disaster?
Does this scenario sound
even vaguely familiar? If so, you may be thinking that this guy should
have been more understanding. After all, everyone has bad days and it
should be a given that no one can be on their "best behavior" all the
time. You may also be thinking that there was little else she could have
done in the situation. After all, she apologized and then tried to
communicate her feelings and explain why she was not able to relax and be
herself.
This situation is a great
example of someone trying to think their way out of a situation, while
blocking their self-awareness and shutting out the unspoken messages from
the other person. In a nutshell, this woman demonstrated low emotional
intelligence, even though her IQ is probably above average. In case you
are wondering what the difference is between these two, you need to know
what EI is. Essentially, it is a capacity to use reason to understand
one's emotions and the emotions of others. When someone possesses high EI,
they demonstrate an ability to utilize their emotions to enhance thinking,
perception, expression and management of themselves and those around them.
It requires good self-awareness as well as awareness of what others are
feeling and expressing- both verbally and non-verbally. Our emotions are
usually demonstrated through the level of energy we express- and tuning
into the energy changes in ourselves and those around us is a way to raise
our awareness and EI.
If this woman had a higher
EI, how might she have handled herself differently on this first date? To
begin with, she would have begun managing her anxiety before arriving at
the coffee house. Perhaps she would have tried some self talk, reminding
herself that getting upset about being late would have a negative impact
on what she said and how she came across. Had she worked on getting this
into perspective and focused on presenting an open and positive
introduction of herself, her date would (most likely) have quickly let go
of any annoyance he might have been feeling at having to wait. From there
they would have moved on to a pleasant discussion of how their day(s) went
and other topics of mutual interest.
Instead of strained silences, glances at the time, pressured
conversation (that sounded like a desperate Hail Mary pass) to try to
salvage the date – there could have been laughter, great conversation,
intense listening and the beginning of a new (non-virtual) bond between
them. Instead of this woman trying to tell him what she is really like,
she would have shown him that person. Even if the physical chemistry was
not ideal, the possibility of connecting around a shared sense of humor,
good comfort level and mutual interests would have left them with the
option of a second date – and more time to explore where this could
lead.
When preparing for your next first date,
remember to bring along a greater self- awareness and a commitment to tune
into the verbal and non-verbal messages expressed by this other person.
Make an effort to observe how you interact with friends, family,
co-workers and others- and ask for feedback from the people you know will
be honest with you. Increasing your EI is the greatest investment you can
make to ensure that all your present and future relationships will be
healthy and mutually satisfying ones.
