THE ART OF INTIMACY

A Newsletter For Searching Singles

September 2005

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love.

                                                                                                         Anais Nin

WELCOME

This has been a long and challenging month for so many people in this country. It seems that every time we turn around there is a new disaster to deal with. These natural disasters impact not just the people who they claim as victims, but the rest of us as well. We are confronted with feelings that both move us to get involved through donations, offering time and energy to assist the homeless and desperate - to counting our blessings and reevaluating our own priorities as we think of how little separates "us" from  "them." A major theme that has come out of the hurricane tragedies is that of the importance of family and home. Even though we all know this, it suddenly becomes a greater focus- something that we should never take for granted or place a low priority on. Relationships matter greatly. They give our lives a sense of purpose and meaning that goes beyond anything that money or social status can provide.

As you think about your relationship with family, friends and others- you may want to do a quick assessment of your level of satisfaction with these and come up with a list of how to make them better. Perhaps you have a friend who pulls you down or takes much without giving. Maybe you have a lot of acquaintances, but are longing for real intimate friendship. Or, perhaps your family relationships are strained and you would like to work on resolving some of the issues that are contributing to this. Lastly, you may be longing for an intimate, romantic relationship, but have been unsuccessful in your attempts to meet the kind of person you seek and/or build a healthy and lasting connection with someone.

Whatever relationship needs you may have, now is a great time to begin addressing them. If you are in search of love, but your current relationships are unsatisfactory, you will have more difficulty being successful in this goal. Relationship readiness requires an ability to address issues and work through problems with others. If this is something you have trouble with, deal with this first. If you feel you may need to address your relationship readiness, I can offer some help with this. Go to:

http://www.consum-mate.com/quiz.htm For my relationship readiness quiz and/or:

http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/03jun.htm#feature for my article on relationship readiness.

As I was thinking about this issue of intimacy and relationships, I decided to write an article this month on how we use technology to speak for us and as a way to distance ourselves from difficult direct communication from others. We must be very careful with this, as we can build walls- not just ones that keep others out, but also ones that trap us in and keep us isolated from the richness that intimacy brings to our lives and relationships.

Read on to see if you are at risk.

If you need focused help with your relationship goals, I offer eclasses that provide help with relationship readiness, meeting and dating skills and effective relationship communication. These can be found at:

http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm. I also offer individual coaching; couples coaching and relationship help sessions from one session up, depending on your needs. You can check these out on: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm.

If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating help and advice. You can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm If you haven't clicked on our surveys, considering doing so. We are always looking for your input and

feedback in order to provide what you need most. These can be found at

http://consum-mate.com/ask.htm and Dear Dating Coach.

Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lays our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.
                                                            -Victor Frankl, Man's Search For Meaning

Technology And The Loss Of Intimacy

They met in a club and even though he was not her "type", she agreed to a date because he was nice and she didn't know how to say "no." They made plans for tonight to have dinner and see a movie. However, as the appointed time draws nearer, she is frantically thinking of how she can get out of this date. She just isn't interested in him and never would have said yes if there had been an easy way out. She is dreading an awkward evening of wishing she were home and glancing at the clock. What can she do? Then it hits her, "I Know, I'll send a message to the Alibi and Excuse Club." "They will help me find a way out."

Advances in technology have changed the way we relate and communicate in all aspects of our lives. Dating related industries have capitalized on this and have come up with ways that singles can handle (among other things) awkward situations like breaking a date or rejecting a potential suitor- with only a few strokes of the keys and clicks of a mouse. Take the "Alibi and Excuse Club," available on www.sms.ac.  A member of this group can send a message to the gang and someone will provide them with- or help them fake- an excuse. Whatever happened to good old communication, where we faced our uncomfortable feelings- however difficult this was to do- and told the person that we were just not interested? Not only was this a more honest and respectful approach, it built communication skills that would be critical in all of out relationships, throughout our lives.

There are other digital services available to speak for us and help us to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings-which, by the way, we must know how to deal with in order to have true intimacy with another. Here is a sampling of what is out there:

• Both Virginmobileusa and rucingular.com offer a service that allows you to program a call on your phone in advance of a date. Then they call you and offer an excuse to end your date early.
  
• Papernapkin.net is a service that gives you an email address where rejections are posted. If someone you are not interested in asks for your email address, you give him or her this one and when they write, they get a rejection message from you.
  
• Soundster.com offers a wide variety of background noises for cell phones. When you want to cancel a date, you can call with an excuse and program in the right background noise- to help make it all sound realistic and legitimate.
  

Imagine having to deal with a painful issue in your marriage and going to others (via the web) to speak for you and/or offer you a script to present your spouse with? How will you handle those difficult (future) negotiations and conflicts with your children? Will you have to fake a response or offer a script because you are too uncomfortable with the intensity of your hurt feelings and the dynamic between you and your child? What about the inevitable issues that will come up with close friends? Will you avoid, deny, pretend and eventually loose the intimate connection due to your inability to be there- really there- in the relationship?

Even though it is very tempting in the short run to use one of these services to avoid those awkward feelings and the inevitable responses from the person you are rejecting- doing so will put you at risk of stagnating your emotional growth and the development of healthy and mature communication skills. The next time you need to talk to someone about something uncomfortable or painful, consider sitting down and writing out what YOU would like to say and finding an optimal place and time to say it- and then speak from the heart. However it turns out, you will feel a lot better about it and know that you can be an effective communicator after all.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

17. I am a twenty-something, single female who has a problem saying no. This problem has become a big issue in my dating life, as I find that I avoid going out altogether, rather than having to say no to a guy I am not interested in - who shows an interest or asks me to dance, etc. When this happened recently, I agreed that he could email me and gave him my address. I was so upset afterwards that I wanted to change it so he could not communicate with me. One of my friends told me about this service that will give me an email address I can give to guys like this. It will have a recording on it, telling them that I am not interested. I know it seems heartless, but I am considering looking into it. What do you think?
    

A.  Let me begin with asking you a question. How would you feel if positions were reversed and you emailed him and got that message? That thought should be your first one and should greatly influence your decision on this. You describe yourself as someone who has difficulty with confrontation or any unpleasant interaction with others. The translation here is that you have difficulty with intimacy. By avoiding situations that will help you grow in your ability to be assertive and deal more effectively with people- you are holding yourself back and depriving yourself of many valuable learning experiences.

What will you do if you meet someone you are interested in, begin dating them -and then encounter the normal rough patches that all relationships bring? Will you avoid and ignore problems, tell him what he wants to hear, break-up because you don't know what else to do and/or end up in an empty and lonely marriage because it was all too difficult to deal with?

My advice is to begin with small steps. Rehearse what you can say to a guy you are not attracted to who asks you to dance. Come up with a few short, assertive and to the point lines that you can say to someone who asks for your number or email address. Then, go out and try these on. The first few times you may get very red in the face, perhaps trip over your words a bit- but over time they will roll out of your mouth with little effort.

Handling things this way is not only honest, respectful and fair to the guy, it will leave you feeling ok with who you are and more confident about your ability to handle all your interpersonal relationships in the future.

END NOTES

This issue was designed to help all my readers improve their communication and intimacy building skills. If you have difficulty in this most important area of relationship building and satisfaction, consider coaching. Here at Consum-mate, we have years of experience helping singles and couples deepen their intimacy and build bonds that will last a lifetime.

Check out our eclass on communicating you way to relationship success. You can find it on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm

Whatever your relationship needs, we at Consum-mate are here to help you.

IN THIS ISSUE

1. WELCOME

2. QUOTE OF THE MONTH

3. FEATURED ARTICLE: Technology And The Loss Of Intimacy

4. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

5. END NOTES