Consum-mate: The Art Of Intimacy


TheArt Of Intimacy A Newsletter For Searching Singles May 2005


	The Value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. Anais Nin

In This Issue
1. Welcome 2. Quote Of The Month 3. Featured Article: How's Your Chemistry Quotient? 4. Frequently Asked Questions 5. End Notes 6. Resources

	WELCOME
	1. WELCOME Hi, everyone. How is your spring going? What a great season. The natural world around us has sprung to life as the earth once again wakes up and renews itself. How about you? Do you feel a stirring of new energy and desire? Now is a great time to take advantage of those heightened feelings and use them as a catalyst to move towards a goal(s) you may have been putting off or to take action on something you have been avoiding or procrastinating about. Thousands of singles around you are doing this, and asking themselves the how, where, when and who questions related to their relationship goals. Try asking yourselves these same kinds of questions and then lay a plan to get them answered. This month's article is about increasing (good) chemistry in ALL of your relationships. Building a healthy and satisfying social network is part of a strong foundation for happiness, satisfaction and success. So, read on for tips on raising your Chemistry Quotient. If you need real help with building a good social network, consider coaching. We have a great deal of experience in helping people to relate to others in ways that are effective, constructive and create supportive, strong and lasting connections. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/how.htm, for details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate. A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help and advice.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Good relationships are built on thoughtfulness and conscious connecting. They grow and thrive when we give thought to another's happiness and demonstrate our feelings through patience, caring acts, the willingness to compromise, small (and large) sacrifices and deep listening- even when it is inconvenient or we are having a bad day. Toni Coleman

	FEATURED ARTICLE: How's Your Chemistry Quotient?
	"He is a really nice guy and has many of the qualities I am looking for, but something just isn't there for me." "I don't know what it is about my boss, but we just didn't click right from the start." "My father and I have been in conflict since I was young- we just seem to rub each other the wrong way." "I love my kids equally, but I find it so much easier to "like" one more than the other." What do all of these statements have in common? They are all describing a problem with CHEMISTRY-, which impacts all of our relationships throughout our lives. Many people have at least some rudimentary understanding of what chemistry is. We know that it has a physical dimension, but how many of us really KNOW the whole truth about attraction? Physical chemistry results from the release of a substance called phenyl ethylamine (PEA), which is a naturally occurring chemical in the brain. PEA stimulates us and increases our attraction energy, which then causes us to secrete even greater amounts into our system. As PEA levels increase they stimulate our system to release dopamine, which is a substance that increases our desire to be physically close and emotionally connected. Because there is a strong physical component to attraction, many people erroneously believe that they have little or NO control over the process of choosing friends and lovers and/or being chosen by the people they are drawn to. This belief is incorrect because it completely leaves out the other components of attraction, which must be present in some measure in order to find and (more importantly) sustain any relationship. So, what are these other elements and how much influence do they have on our choices regarding friends, lovers and others we interact with in our work and social lives? They are our spiritual, intellectual and emotional dimensions- those (non-physical) parts of our inner selves that help us to achieve a deeper connection and lasting intimacy in all our relationships. Along with the dizzying effects of PEA, they make up our Chemistry Quotient. The good news? You will become more attractive to people when you learn how to positively connect to them on this deeper level. The following tips will help you make these connections and raise your overall chemistry quotient. Read them carefully and evaluate your present CQ in each area. Ask trusted friends and family for their observations and make a commitment- starting today- to hold an ever-present awareness of how and what you communicate to others. · Present an open and appropriately warm and inviting presence. A good level of eye contact coupled with a smile, lets the other person know you are happy to make their acquaintance or to see them again. When you are welcoming like this, others will be drawn to you, feel at ease in your presence, want to approach you, get to know you and/or spend time with you. · Greet everyone with a smile and hello. This will help to make a difference for both of you- even during those times of high stress and overload. I had a co-worker like this years ago who was liked and respected by everyone. · Be aware of the tone in your voice. It has been said that it is not what we say but how we say it. Is your voice clear, upbeat and not too loud or soft? Do you communicate confidence, sincerity and warmth- or something quite different? Think about a past reaction you have had to the way someone said something and how THIS is what you heard- rather than the words they used. · Be careful not to dominate the conversation. You may be excited and/or anxious but need to give the other person a chance to share about something that is important to them or offer their feedback on something you have said. Try to never interrupt- your point can wait until they are finished. · Use reflective listening in your conversations with others. This is an easy technique where you paraphrase back to the speaker what they have just shared with you. It lets them know that they have been heard and helps them to feel understood and validated. · When discussing difficult or potentially sensitive or controversial topics, be careful about what you say in general. You have a right to your opinion, but don't have the right to shove it down someone else's throat. Be sensitive to their right to disagree and still have your respect. · Stay positive. Don't talk about how you hate your job, how awful your family is, how badly in debt you are, etc. Be upbeat and fun unless it is a serious conversation with someone you have a close (and trusting) relationship with. · When discussing difficult topics with people you already have a relationship with- co-workers, family or friends- try to begin each point you make with the "I" word as opposed to the "you" word. This way you are letting them know how you feel without putting all the responsibility for the problem on them. In fact, you are taking responsibility for your feelings when you use "I". An example of this is; "I feel hurt when you speak to me in an angry tone." Now compare that statement to this one; "You are always angry when we talk about that." · Be careful not to criticize, judge, lecture or be "controlling" with others. Don't offer advice unless asked for it. Try to stay supportive and non-judgmental. Keep these tips in the front of your mind as you go throughout the course of your daily life. Start with the ones that are most comfortable for you and use them with the people you feel "safest" with. Consider applying one new tip to all your interactions each day. This way, you will get lots of practice- and as your chemistry quotient rises, you will find yourself able to master even the toughest social situations with a new ease and confidence. 4. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS Q. I'm an attractive, 30's, single female who has difficulty forming and keeping relationships. It seems that all of my life I have felt as though people don't really like me, understand me and/or want to get to know me. I am often outside of "the clique", even though this is not what I want. I have this same problem with men. They loose interest quickly, but I never know why. I sense there is SOMETHING about me that pushes people away, but I just don't get what it is. Can you help? A. Without knowing you, I can say very honestly that I like your open and direct way of approaching this problem and you appear to be someone who is open to working on herself. These are both good signs. We tend to play a similar role throughout out lives- in relation to the people around us. As children, we have a specific identity in our family. For instance, one child may be the clown, another the scapegoat or "black sheep" and yet another the "lost" kid who seems to go unnoticed and who feels very alone. These are just a few of the roles that are available to all of us. Once we start in a specific one, it seems we keep reliving and/or recreating it as we move from our family environment to school, then on to college, adulthood, work, etc. There are a number of theories about how and why this happens and all have some merit. You may never fully understand how yours began, but that is not necessary to change it. Begin by asking a few TRUSTED friends and/or family members to give you feedback on how they think others see you. Make it easy by asking some open ended questions and not pushing for anything too specific- which may cause discomfort and contribute to them shutting down. Try something like" I'm doing some work on myself and I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out by sharing some of your observations." " How do you think someone who doesn't know me would describe me?" " Do you think people who don't know me find me easy or hard to approach?" " Would you say I am quiet or talkative?" "Do you think I am high or low maintenance?" You get it- open-ended questions that give them wiggle room to answer in any way that feels most comfortable for them. Once you have gathered some information, do some careful soul-searching. Think about the feedback you have been given and about the kinds of feedback- verbal and non-verbal that you get from co-workers, acquaintances and even strangers. Make a list of possible areas that you need to work on and/or social skills that you need help with. Armed with a few new insights, try out some new behaviors. It's easiest to do this first with family and friends. For instance, if you think you may be coming across as hard to approach, then "practice" a warm smile and an open and inviting posture. If you are usually very talkative, try stepping back and listening more and encouraging others to share more with you. If you tend to be very opinionated, try being neutral. Listen to the other person's viewpoint and reflect back what you heard them say- then you can gracefully change the subject and/or nicely agree to disagree. Got it? Open, warm, accepting, caring, positive. Save the anger, hurt and negativity when you have some serious issues to discuss with someone who is part of your support system.

END NOTES
This issue was designed to help my readers achieve greater satisfaction from all of their relationships. We tend to attract what we are. So, if you are not happy with your friendships/intimate relationships- look to yourself first. If you would like more help and advice with raising your Chemistry Quotient, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Summer is almost here. Take advantage of all the many ways there are at this time of year to get out, interact and create great chemistry.

	RESOURCES
	Mega-zine - A FREE EZINE Directory Site. Indexed by Humans; Organized by keywords. Free Listings. Great Online Advertising - 30-second sign up. http://www.eplanetnews.biz/

Contact Info:

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

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Toni Coleman · PO Box 7206 · McLean · VA · 22101