Consum-mate: The Art Of Intimacy


The Art Of Intimacy A Newsletter For Searching Singles March 2005


	The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. Anais Nin

In This Issue
1. Welcome 2. Quote Of The Month 3. Featured Article: What Women Want From Men, Dating and Relationships 4. Frequently Asked Questions 5. End Notes 6. Q & A with author of DATEWORTHY 7. Resources

	WELCOME
	Now that we are all beginning to thaw out and those first twinges of "spring fever" are being felt, it seems like a great time to look at your dating needs/wants and explore new and exciting social and leisure pursuits in order to achieve your relationship goals. All around you the world is beginning to wake up and energize itself. This month is a great time to renew your commitment to your dreams and to create a plan that will help you achieve it. This month's article is part of a series that has been designed to further a greater understanding between men and women, which will hopefully contribute to their ability to make conscious, healthy choices in their dating and relationship lives. So much of the mail that I receive from readers asks me to explain what men (and women) really feel about dating, relationships, etc. It seems that a great misunderstanding remains between the sexes, regardless of all the information that has been shared on the subject. Read on for the woman's point of view. Hear what they really want from men, what turns them off and some of their must-haves in the person they would choose to marry. Any feedback, questions and/or comments, please email me at Toni@consum-mate.com. I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you need real help with dating, consider coaching. We have a great deal of experience in helping people meet, date and create healthy and lasting relationships. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/how.htm, for details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate. A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help and advice.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. unknown

	FEATURED ARTICLE: What Women Want From Men, Dating and Relationships
	Dear Dating Coach- I have been dating a woman for almost three months. Lately, I have been confused about her behavior and need help to understand what is going on with us and what I can (should) do about it. Our relationship has gone from her calling me "sweetie" and asking for more intimacy; to telling me that I am pressuring her and need to stop pushing so hard. I have no problem going at whatever pace she is comfortable with, and I have told her this. In the past few weeks she has cancelled plans on several occasions, saying that she needs time to think because she feels afraid and uncertain about things. When I ask her to share her feelings with me, she becomes defensive and asks me to leave her alone. I have told her to do what she needs to and I will be here when she is ready. After several days of no contact she did call and ask me about my weekend plans. This is becoming very confusing. Do you have any ideas about what I could do to break this cycle and/or what she may be afraid or concerned about? When I received this email, my first thought was that the problem seemed obvious- at least to me. Her feelings had changed. The reasons were unclear, and somehow they didn't seem to be as important as the simple truth that it was over. But perhaps they really were. After all, if he could gain some understanding of what went wrong it could help him to make the right decisions now and avoid repeating this pattern in future relationships. Therefore, my advice to him included a recommendation that he ask her for honest feedback regarding her feelings about him and the relationship. Armed with a carefully scripted and thought out approach to the subject, he was increasing his chances of opening up a useful dialogue with her that at the very least, could offer him the insight and closure he needed. After careful preparation, he arranged for a talk about "them". Things got off to an ok start, however she soon began to act defensively and then shut down, essentially refusing to discuss her feelings or answer his questions directly and/or with candor. This left him with a decision. Should he step back from pursing this discussion with her, just maintaining the status quo; or should he take action based on what he believed was the problem and what would be in his best interest over time. He struggled with making this choice because he was able to rationalize her behavior and make up plausible excuses for what was happening. This left him with (false) hope and a feeling of powerlessness. As a dating coach, I receive (and answer) many emails from men like the one above. My advice is based on the knowledge and expertise gained from years of experience in working with the complex dynamics that occur between people. However, as the world of meeting and dating continues to evolve; I have found it useful to talk to the people who are out there living it, and gather their insights and observations. I asked a group of 20-30 something, professional, single women to share their thoughts and reactions to the above email. Our discussion also covered their likes/dislikes, turn-ons and offs and the qualities they look for in a potential partner. I wanted candid, unedited comments that I could share with this writer and with all the guys out there who are confused by the behavior of the women they are meeting and dating. Their feedback on the email question was fairly consistent. His girlfriend's feelings had changed. They believed she wanted to break things off but didn't know how to or was uncomfortable being the bad guy. One woman shared that in at least one of her past relationships, she had behaved very badly towards him, hoping HE would end it. Another woman stated, "There are women out there who act very lovingly in order to get a guy, then become who they really are once they have him." All agreed that he should end it and give himself the chance to meet someone who is ready for a relationship and truly wants one with him. On the subject of men who turn them on, the women came up with similar attributes and ranked them in order of importance. Sense of humor and intelligence topped the list. We discussed these as critical components in friendship and compatibility. Attributes such as stable, mature, positive, loving and good father material all weighed in equally as close seconds with the 30 somethings. The younger women stated that they have not given much thought to the importance of those things yet. All of the woman said that their ideal guy had to be the right type, even though the two groups differed somewhat in their preferred type. Adjectives like clean cut, polished, conservative, not too conservative, very confident and with a certain style of dress- were used to describe Mr. Right. All of the women said that it was important to them that their man be assertive, ambitious and able to earn a good living. They felt this was important in order to have a family someday and/or have more lifestyle options available to them. When one of the women shared her need for a good listener, who "doesn't try to fix the problem", all of the women said, "yes" in a strong chorus. When I asked for their list(s) of turn-off's and pet peeves; the conversation turned to physical attraction, which had little mention in the first part of our discussion. All stressed the importance of good sexual (and overall) chemistry. They cited attributes such as "too frail", "crooked teeth" and "overly muscled" as deal breakers for them. The younger group of women placed a greater emphasis on looks and a need for excitement in their relationships. All agreed that they would not choose a partner who was lacking in ambition and/or who was egotistical and (most likely) unable to be the other half of a giving and supportive union. The subject of dating brought up the greatest difference in views between the two age groups. The younger women had a less defined view of what a date is. Meeting at a bar, a last minute get together and sharing the tab were all seen dating, when out with a non-platonic friend. However, the 30 somethings felt a date should be arranged ahead of time with one person (formally) asking the other one out. All felt that the woman should at least offer to split the tab, but that the man should always pick up the check. All agreed that "hooking-up" and "booty calls" are not dates. The women all said that when they really like a guy their feelings are expressed in the way they treat him. One woman stated that words are not the way women usually express their interest- especially early in a relationship. Everyone agreed that a man can know how a woman feels by the nice things she does for him. If she shows a lot of interest in him, cares about what he has to say, and wants to know what is going on in his life- she really likes him. Lastly, we discussed the telltale signs of a woman's lack- or loss- of interest. They will not answer (or return) calls, say they are busy/unavailable or use some indirect way to communicate their disinterest. The key point they all agreed on is that women "are taught to be nice, not mean." This is probably why you guys out there are so confused when a woman says one thing and does another. The differences between men and woman have been talked about in books, portrayed in film and used in some of the best punch lines. This us/them emphasis seems to have contributed to the misinterpretations and poor communication that so many singles lament. This dating coach thinks that dating and relationship communication will be improved when men and women learn to listen to, and really hear, what each other are saying (verbally and non-verbally). Deep listening without an assumption that interpretation and translation is required should help to bring clarity, openness and candor. Imagine a dating game where everyone speaks the same language and there are rules for fair play. I'm already imagining an inbox that is not constantly overflowing.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I am writing to you because I am very much in love with a girl I have been dating for three months. It started out like something from a movie- from that wonderful first kiss to beautiful love making by the fire. We have always had a great time, regardless of what we are doing together. Recently she has been expressing a lot of frustration with me. It seems that everything I do or say results in a rolling of her eyes or a scoff of disbelief. She recently made the comment that "for a smart guy, you don't know very much." This was in response to my not knowing what she meant by highlighting her hair. She actually went on about my not knowing for five minutes instead of just answering my simple question. I have confronted her about this, but she uses the "I am kidding around," defense. This behavior is now occurring with almost every interaction we have. The last girl I lived with was this way also, but was a more angry person in general. I am worried that my current girl will turn into my crazy ex. She is about to have surgery, so I am wondering if the stress is contributing to this change in behavior. What should I do? A. Actually, you do sound like a smart guy who KNOWS something is going on, but is bending over backwards to explain and rationalize the problem away. What is probably the most significant and telltale thing here, is the PATTERN. This has happened before. You know it and you see all the signs- but you are in love... Along with the issue of choosing woman who don't treat you well, you may have a problem with your self-esteem, which leads you to believe (on some level) that you don't deserve to be treated with respect and caring, etc. Does this ring even an itty-bitty bell? Repeat after me, "I am a nice, intelligent guy and I deserve to be treated with respect by the people I am intimately involved with." Try saying this at least a couple of times a day, especially when your girlfriend tries to tell you otherwise. What you need here are some ground rules. Tell your girlfriend that you have basic needs and expectations from your relationship. Let her know that if she is unable to meet these it is a deal-breaker. Then, give her some time to address the problem and work on her behavior. Set limits on the amount of time you will invest and follow through if she continues in this pattern. Bottom line? When someone genuinely cares for someone else, they don't abuse, criticize, put down, etc. Medical problems and other life crisis are not a valid excuse, or even a good one. Good luck.

	END NOTES
	This issue was designed to help men make healthier choices in their dating and relationship lives. For when a guy knows what he wants and needs, communicates this clearly and sets healthy boundaries- a mature and lasting love is just a chance meeting away. If you would like more help and advice on developing or implementing your relationship plan, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Don't let this season slip into spring without taking advantage of all the fun ways that are now available all around you to meet compatible (and ready for a relationship) singles.

Q & A With Author Of New Book DATEWORTHY
As a special feature this month, I did an interview with Dennie Hughes, the author of a new book titled DATEWORTHY. Dennie is a contributing editor and RelationTips writer for USA WEEKEND magazine. She is also an award-winning columnist who has built a career dispensing personal advice with professional expertise. Here are some thoughts from Dennie. 1. What is the most common dating question or theme that singles write to you about? THE MOST COMMON THEME? LOVE: HOW TO FIND IT, HOW TO KEEP IT GOING ONCE YOU DO! THE QUESTION? THEY OFTEN OUTLINE THEIR NON-WORKING RELATIONSHIP, MAKING LOTS OF EXCUSES FOR THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S BAD BEHAVIORS (DISHONESTY, LACK OF LOYALTY AND RESPECT OR JUST PLAIN OLD COURTESY AND KINDNESS) AND ASK: "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?" 2. Do you find many significant differences in the questions posed by younger singles (20-34), versus older singles, (35-50)? DEFINITELY... AND I'D BREAK IT DOWN EVEN FURTHER. 20 TO 29 FEMALES: WANT TO FIND A GUY WHO APPRECIATES MORE THAN JUST BEDROOM SKILLS. 20 TO 29 MALES: WANT TO FIND A GIRL WHO DOESN'T WANT BEYOND THE BEDROOM. 30 TO 36 FEMALES: WANT MARRIAGE TO SOMEONE WHO SHARES THEIR DREAMS. 30 TO 36 MALES: WANT MARRIAGE TO SOMEONE WHO GOES ALONG WITH THEIR DREAMS. 37 AND UP, BOTH SIDES: LOOKING FOR A GREAT FRIENDSHIP, RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER'S SPACE AND FOR WHO THEY "REALLY ARE." 3. In your book, you dispense a lot of great tips (advice) to a whole range of dating situations. I especially enjoyed your "Ten First Date Commandments" In your experience are they really hard and fast or are there ever any exceptions to the rule? IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. IF IT'S A RELATIONSHIP, THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THESE VERY BASIC FIRST DATE... AND EVEN SECOND DATE!... COMMANDENTS. SURE, YOU'LL HEAR ALL ABOUT THE MYTHICAL COUPLE WHO "GOT DRUNK, HEADED TO BED WITHIN THE FIRST THREE HOURS OF A FIRST DATE, GOT MARRIED AND TODAY, 20 YEARS LATER, ARE STILL TOGETHER." BUT TRUST ME ON THIS... THAT IS WHAT YOU'D CALL THE TOTAL EXCEPTION TO THE RELATIONSHIP RULE AND.. DID YOU NOTICE SOMETHING? "...20 YEARS LATER, ARE STILL TOGETHER..." DID NOT SPECIFY WHETHER OR NOT THEY WERE HAPPY! 4. Have you ever received a dating/relationship question that really stumped you? You know, one that seemed to have no workable solution. If so, what do you think you could tell your reader (s) that would be helpful? THERE HAVE BEEN PLENTY OF DATING/RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS THAT HAVE STUMPED ME, AND I'D SAY THAT, 99% OF THE TIME, IT'S BECAUSE THERE JUST WASN'T ENOUGH INFORMATION... IN OTHER WORDS, THEY WERE UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEM TO ME... WHICH ALWAYS LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT, IF THEY CANNOT ARTICULATE THE "WHAT'S WRONG" PART OF THE ISSUE TO ME, THEY'RE MOST LIKELY UNABLE TO DO SO WITH THEIR PARTNERS... AND I SAY, "I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE QUESTION YOU'VE SENT... CAN YOU SEND ME MORE INFO THAT COVERS WHEN THE PROBLEM STARTED, WHY IT HURTS YOU SO MUCH, AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU'VE EVER COME RIGHT OUT AND ADDRESSED IT WITH YOUR PARTNER?" AND THEN, I FOLLOW UP WITH; "THE FACT THAT YOU HAVEN'T COMMUNICATED THAT TO ME SAYS THAT PERHAPS... YOU HAVEN'T REALLY COMMUNICATED YOUR HURTS OR CONCERNS WITH YOUR PARTNER. TIME FOR YOU TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE OUT WHAT IT IS THAT BOTHERS YOU... ACTUAL SITUATIONS WHEN YOU FELT UNLOVED OR UNAPPRECIATED... AND THEN, EITHER READ THIS OUT LOUD OR PRESENT IT TO THE PERSON YOU LOVE..." 5. People who seek dating/relationship advice often have one or more issues they need to work on before they can achieve their relationship goals. You have done a thorough job of including these in your book. In your experience, is there one that really stands out due to the frequency with which it occurs? If so, can you share it with us? WE ALL HAVE WHAT I CALL "BOUND TO BE BROKEN UP WITH BEHAVIORS" -- THAT IS, BAD RELATIONSHIP HABITS WE'VE ADOPTED AS A RESULT OF 1. BIG, HEAVY BAGGAGE FROM ONE OR MORE PREVIOUSLY HURTFUL RELATIONSHIPS. 2. MODELING OUR OWN BEHAVIOR ON THAT OF OUR PARENTS (THE FIRST "LOVE RELATIONSHIP" WE EVER WITNESS) WHICH, AS THE DIVORCE RATE INDICATES, WAS PROBABLY NOT SO PERFECT. 3. THE TV SHOWS, SOAPS OR OTHERWISE, WE GREW UP WATCHING -- NOT KNOWING HOW ELSE TO ACT, WE'D CHOOSE A FAVORITE CHARACTER TO EMULATE: THE LONG SUFFERING NICE GIRL OR THE ERICA-KANE-WITCH. (WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? IN THE WORLD OF DAYTIME SOAPS, EVERY CHARACTER GETS AT LEAST TWO OR THREE MARRIAGES!) I'D SAY THE BEHAVIORS MOST EMULATED WOULD BE: 1. THE TIME BOMB: WANTING TO KNOW WHERE THE RELATIONSHIP IS GOING TOO SOON. 2. THE DRAMA QUEEN: THINKING LOTS OF FIGHTING IN A RELATIONSHIP MEANS THERE'S PASSION. 3. THE OTHER HALF: ANYONE IS BETTER THAN NO ONE AT ALL. 4. THE FIRST SIGHTER: BELIEVING THE "IT'S ONLY LOVE IF IT'S AT FIRST SIGHT" MENTALITY. BOTTOM LINE: UNTIL YOU YOURSELF GET RID OF THESE BAD MINDSETS AND BEHAVIORS, AND BECOME DATEWORTHY, YOU CANNOT AND WILL NOT RECOGNIZE AND CHOOSE SOMEONE DATEWORTHY!

	RESOURCES
	Mega-zine - A FREE EZINE Directory Site. Indexed by Humans; Organized by keywords. Free Listings. Great Online Advertising - 30-second sign up. http://www.eplanetnews.biz/

Contact Info:

Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

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