The Art Of Intimacy
A Newsletter For Searching Singles
June 2005

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love.
Anais Nin

Welcome

Summer is here- with its long, warm, lazy days and nights filled with the glow of fireflies and the scents of newly cut grass and backyard grilling. There really is something about summer that invokes some of the sweetest memories and the desire to kick back and get into a rhythm with the outside world around us.

Unfortunately, in this fast paced world in which we live, many people feel disconnected from the summers of their childhood and feel that their work/personal demands do not allow them to really slow down their lives and spend valuable time doing nothing. If you are one of these people I suggest you take a hard look at what is on your plate- right now- and come up with a list of "must-do's" and a second list of things that can be put off- with future time frames for addressing. If you really give this some thought, you will find that not everything has equal weight, and in fact, many things that seem urgent only feel that way because of a general sense of anxiety and overload that you have been carrying. There is no better way to deal with your anxiety than to confront it with reality and set healthy limits that give you the DOWN TIME to recharge your batteries and get back in touch with the child within you.

Don't let the summer slip away without basking in the gifts it offers to all of us. And remember that you can achieve this goal by carving out a few hours a day or a few long week-ends that allow you to let go of negative energy by pushing away the tasks, worries and burdens of everyday life that weigh us down and blind us to the simple pleasures all around us.

If you need help with prioritizing time, setting limits and/or formulating a realistic plan for personal/relationship success, consider coaching. Here at Consum-mate we have years of experience helping singles to design effective and practical goals and relationship plans that lead to greater personal fulfillment and relationship success.

Check out our articles on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm They cover all aspects of relationship readiness, meeting and dating and finding lasting, healthy love. If you want more personal and intense help, email Toni@consum-mate.com to set up a coaching session.

Consum-mate News

Many very exciting things have been happening at Consum-mate. We have been featured in many magazine stories, including Woman's Day, Men's Health, Cosmo Style and Family Circle. We have also been quoted in pieces in The New York Daily News, Newsday, Indianapolis Star, and Albany Times newspapers. I am also a featured body language expert for Star magazine. You can also find me on ABC news.com, aol online, MSN.com, Discovery Health.com and Match.com, to name a few. I am now the weekly "love Coach" on KTRS radio in St. Louis, MO. I am on every Wednesday morning at about 8:15 am.

It's been so busy that I neglected to tell you last month that I launched a new blog on my site. It's called "Dating News And All That Blog." Here I comment on the latest dating and relationship news, resources, online sites and celebrity relationships. Comments are welcome from all of you.

This month's article grew out of a personal experience (family crisis) that I had last week. One of my children had to have emergency surgery, which required a 5-day hospital stay, accompanied by a parent (24-7). We have three other children and a household, all of which needed coverage and management during this time. It really put me in touch with the importance of "choosing" a partner who you can count on in the (sometimes) foxhole of life. As I am frequently asked about HOW we should choose partners and what qualities we should look for- I decided to write about this important topic now.

Quote Of The Month

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
Paul Sweeney

The Right Formula For Choosing Mr/Ms Right

As a dating and relationship expert, I am frequently asked for advice about HOW to choose the right partner. The question is often centered on the qualities that are found in lasting, healthy unions and how we can know if the people we are choosing to date are a good match for us according to these.

The answer for everyone can only be found through careful examination of one's own needs, wants, values and goals and comparing these with the answers your date or partner would give to their own self-examination of these critical relationship components. At the core of this assessment is a need for honesty and good self- awareness.

Therefore, it begins with you as an individual and your own readiness for a "real" relationship. Essentially, you need to have your own life (enough) in order and know who you are and the direction you want your life to go in. For more specific help with this, read my article at: http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/03jun.htm#feature Once you have decided that you are indeed ready- for all the right reasons- then you can move successfully towards serious dating and commitment by knowing what the "right" relationship qualities are for you and learning how to "see" them in others.

In order to do a good assessment, you need to examine four critical areas that are at the foundation of all healthy, enduring relationships. These are your:

· Needs
· Wants
· Values
· Goals

When we talk about needs in this context, we are really asking ourselves what we believe is essential for us in our future life. For instance, is marriage your ultimate goal or are you looking only for companionship or a non-marital partnership? Perhaps you are looking for someone who shares a very specific lifestyle, passion or interest. Ask yourself; What MUST I have that is non-negotiable? Then, ask yourself, "What is unacceptable or something I just can't live with?"

Your wants are very closely related to your needs, but will have some room for compromise. Make a "wish list" related to how you see your future life. Be creative, but make sure you include things like financial status, lifestyle considerations, social and relationship needs, etc.

Your values are a very critical component to your assessment. They drive your goals and go to the very core of what is dearest to you. For instance, ask yourself the following questions. Is God an essential part of your life? Must your partner have high intelligence and/or be well educated? Do you believe that saving/investing money is essential to your life and that you must do so even if it requires sacrifices in your lifestyle? Do you absolutely want children or are you sure you do not want to be a parent? Do you have a specific vision of what you believe a good parent is and does in their role of caregiver and role model? How large of a priority is family and intimacy in your life? Do you have specific expectations regarding your partner's behavior towards you and any future children you may have? Do you see yourself settled down in a home/job/lifestyle or do you dream of travel and a lifestyle that allows you to move about freely and leaves many options open to you?

Your goals follow your values and are what you organize your life and priorities around. They include, but are not limited to: career choices and level of income, homeownership and other investments, desired lifestyle- which includes family, geographic area of residence, homeownership, etc. and timetables for accomplishment and achievement of your life's milestones.

Once you really know what these are, you will know what to look for in others. Determining how well you "match up" with someone else will become evident as you discuss and share your dreams, passions, hopes and future plans with your significant other. Many couples get into trouble because they either avoid having these honest and revealing talks- often because they fear losing the other person - or because they ASSUME that because they are so drawn to each other or have so much fun together that they must be RIGHT for one another and share the same beliefs and goals.

Remember to use your head as well as your heart when choosing the person you will travel the road of life with. For this road is unpredictable and can be full of twists, turns and perilous stretches. Make sure the person at your side will be there for you as an individual and will be willing and able to make the compromises and take the actions necessary to make it a lasting, fruitful and shared journey.

Frequently Asked Questions

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. I am a 30 something, professional female who has been dating a man I am crazy about for 9 months. We have a lot of fun together, enjoy each other's company, share some of the same interests and have powerful physical chemistry.

My concern is that I know I want to get married and have a family, traditional lifestyle etc. When we touch on "the future" in our conversations, he talks about his career goals, traveling and his satisfaction that I have a good career and together we would have a very financially secure and fun life. I have not directly brought up marriage and children, but have hinted at it. He either doesn't get it or doesn't want to go there. We have never discussed marriage specifically.

My question is: When is the right time to bring this up in a relationship? Am I pushing things to try and raise it now? Can I assume from what he does say that we want different things? Will I scare him away and loose a great guy if I PUSH the issue? Help…

A. You have been dating for 9 months. This tells me that you are either in an extended first stage of your relationship and/or that it is moving into second stage and reality is beginning to hit as you assess your desire to move forward (both of you).

It is a very good time to begin this dialogue. There is really no right way to do this. A WRONG way would be to lay out your demands and timetable and expect him to fall in line with these. Short of this approach, you won't "scare him away" by being honest, you will just avoid wasting your time or his in a relationship in which the two people are wanting different things from their futures.

Have an honest- but gentle- discussion about your relationship and how each of you is feeling about it at this time. Asking him open-ended questions is a good approach. You know, "So, how are you feeling about our relationship and where it is going?" " Where do you see yourself in two years? "If you could describe your perfect (future) life, what would it look like? Making the questions open-ended will make it easy for him to share as much or as little as he is comfortable with. Pay attention to not only what he says- but to what he DOESN'T say.

Then answer those same questions for him. You don't need to tell him you want three kids and what their sexes and names should be… Just give him a basic idea of your dreams and the lifestyle you see as your ideal one. Don't have this conversation once- but weave some of these feelings gently into your shared time together. It does not have to be a heavy and somber exchange. Make sure you really tune in to what he is expressing verbally and non-verbally. You will get your answer this way.

Good luck

End Notes

Hopefully, this issue will be helpful to you as you determine your level of relationship readiness and ability to assess the right stuff in a potential partner. Remember to do an honest inventory of your needs and feelings regarding the areas outlined above. Once you have done this you will know you are ready to meet, date and marry that right person for you.
If you would like more feedback and guidance to help you in determining your level of readiness and ability to find that right someone, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Also check out the eclasses that deal with these important issues at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm