The Art Of Intimacy
A Newsletter For Searching Singles
July 2005

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love.
Anais Nin

WELCOME

Sorry this newsletter is late. You will receive my August one before month's end.

Now that summer is well underway, I hope that you have been able to take that much needed vacation, or are planning one soon. It seems the world slows down a bit as we all yearn to get outside and enjoy the simple life around us. Even if you live in a city or busy suburb, there should be many resources near you for camping, water sports and/or fun play. So, take your much-needed comp or vacation time for rest, relaxation and reflection.

It's also the best season for meeting people. We are out of hibernation at this time of year and even a walk or hike in a nearby park can offer you more opportunity to come into contact with new people and experiences. It's truly a hot dating season.

This month's article was written as a response to all the email I get asking for help in how to tell someone you have met and/or dated a few times- that they are not the one. You know, when the chemistry just isn't there due to physical attraction, personality styles, interests and/or any of the many factors that we use to judge compatibility. If you are one of the many people who have encountered this, read on for some useful tips to handle this most difficult part of dating.

If you need real help with dating consider coaching. We have a great deal of experience in helping people meet, date and create healthy and lasting relationships. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/how.htm, for details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm

If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help and advice.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future.
Author Unknown

FEATURED ARTICLE

You met online and had a great email exchange for a week. Then you called her and the two of you really clicked. You (mentally) built up the potential for a real relationship with her as you agreed to get together for that first date. The day came, you met for lunch, and it went downhill from there. She looked "different" than you had expected or remembered, the conversation felt strained and/or you were uncomfortable and anxious to get it over with. As the date came to a close and she told you she had a nice time, you were at a loss for words. What should you have said? After all, you didn't want to hurt her feelings….

This scenario plays itself out frequently in the meeting and dating world. Boy meets girl in cyber space, on a chance encounter or perhaps through mutual friends. Both people have an interest in going out and getting to know each other. However, after one or more dates, one individual feels good about their connection and the other decides the chemistry just isn't right. When this happens, the person who is not interested in pursuing the relationship is left to make a choice of how (if) to tell the other person that they are not "the one."

Let me begin with a list of (all too common) examples that illustrate what you should never do:

· Say you had a good time and that you will call her later- then never call.
· Tell him you had a good time but will be very busy for a few weeks and will email when your schedule allows.
· Make tentative plans for later in the week, but never call and/or respond to phone messages or emails.
· Agree to a date next week and then not call or show up as planned.

You may now be thinking, "OK, so if I don't use one of the above, what can I do to avoid being hurtful and/or having to potentially deal with an unpleasant scene?" The short answer is that there is no "right" way to let someone down and avoid the painful feelings and emotional fallout that come with rejection. The reality is that someone will be hurt and disappointed. This is the risk we assume when we open ourselves up to new relationship possibilities.

However, you can make the rejection less painful and a little easier on both of you when you are gently honest and avoid offering false hope and/or giving mixed messages. The following examples are things you should do:

· Make the lack of a right connection between the two of you THE issue. This means don't point out things that are WRONG with him/her as the reasons for your lack of interest.
· Emphasize the importance for both of you to find that "right' person to build a relationship with.
· Avoid any mixed messages such as, " I am very attracted to you and think we could have something special, but I just have too much going on in my life right now…"
· Be clear that you will not change your mind, become available at a later time or develop an interest if the other person changes themselves to better suit your needs and wants.
· Allow the other person to ask questions and express their feelings. Then answer their questions honestly as this will help them to feel respected, know they have been heard and to get closure, which will allow them to move on more easily.

Most of all think about how YOU would want to be treated if the situation were reversed. Would you want to be lied to and led on? Not only would you be wasting your time, you would also be at risk of developing a false belief that there is something wrong with you that causes you to be undesirable and/or unable to form and sustain a healthy, intimate relationship.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. I am a 30 something, single male who now feels ready for a real relationship. I have dated a lot, but have not met anyone who feels like "the one." About a month ago, I met a woman online and we really seemed to "click." We emailed for a week, then spoke on the phone several times and finally made arrangements to meet in person. I was very excited and hopeful, as everything seemed just right.

We met for lunch at a casual restaurant we both were familiar with. I got there first. When she came over to the table, my initial thought was that she looked different than her picture- a lot different. She was heavier and just less attractive than I had thought she would be. This was a disappointment, but one I thought I could deal with if other things were to go well. However, the conversation seemed strained. I'm not sure exactly why, but she seemed quieter and perhaps a bit anxious. I think I may have been too. I found my mind drifting a bit, but tried to keep up my end of the discussion. As the meal progressed, I became aware of a number of little things (about her) that I found bothered me. I'm assuming the chemistry was out of whack between us, even though she seemed like a nice person- just different than I had thought she would be.

When we got to the end of the date, she said she had a nice time and I got the sense she wanted to get together again. I was very uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. So, I told her it was nice to meet her and I would give her a call, even though I knew I did not want to do this. Several days later she sent me an email thanking me for lunch and suggesting we get together for a movie and dinner that weekend. I just did not know what to do, so I never responded. I feel very badly about this and have been avoiding going back online to check for winks and/or messages from other women.

My questions? Does this kind of thing happen very often? How is someone supposed to deal with it if it does?

A. Yes, this situation occurs often. I would say it has become commonplace since online dating has taken the place of other conventional ways that people used to meet. Essentially what happened is that you two hit it off in a virtual sense because everything looked good "on paper." A good analogy is when someone gets an interview based on his or her resume. However, when the prospective employer actually meets them, a very different picture of the candidate can emerge. This is because we only have some of the information we need until we get to experience each other in person.

My first piece of advice is that you remain cautiously optimistic until you actually have your first face-to-face with someone. You would benefit by learning to read profiles carefully and then asking the right questions before you meet. This will help you to get a truer snapshot of the real person behind the profile. Then, don't wait too long before arranging to get together. This way the anticipation does not build into unrealistic (and idealistic) images of this "perfect person" for you.

Careful screening will help, but you will still be at risk of encountering poor chemistry. Therefore, learning how to handle these situations will save you and others from the kind of scenario you depict in your letter. When you realized that the connection just wasn't there, you should have approached the situation with honesty. You could have asked her if you were what she expected, which may have led her to ask you the same. You could also have gently remarked that she seemed quiet and asked her if she was feeling ok. Again, it could have opened up a discussion about the problems the two of you were having in relating.

Telling her that she is not as attractive as you thought she would be, etc. are not ok, and in fact are unnecessary. Instead, remember to keep the focus on how you and the other person are actually feeling and relating in each other's presence. At the end of the date, when she said she had a nice time, you should have been straightforward with her. I'm guessing you were reluctant not just because you didn't want to hurt her feelings, but also because you were concerned about the discomfort you would feel as well. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself if you would rather know upfront or be led on to believe that the other person would be calling you. My guess is that she waited for that call and after much discussion with friends, wrote a carefully crafted email designed to get at your feelings and intentions. It is kinder in the long run to just put it out there.

Something like, "You seem like a very nice person, but I don't think we have the right connection for a dating relationship." Then let her express her thoughts, ask questions, etc. This will either lead to closure with slightly bruised feelings on her part, or could possibly lead to a discussion that cuts through the tension and leaves you wanting to give it another try.

END NOTES

This month's article was designed as a response to the tons of mail I get on this subject. Hopefully, it will help everyone handle that end of first date tension that results when two people just don't click and no one wants to deal with it.

If you would like more help with your communication skills, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. We have years of experience in helping people to create healthy dating lives, which lead to successful and satisfying relationships. Don't wait; summer is the season for love. Get out there and create the relationship that will take you into the shorter, darker days ahead.