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The Art Of Intimacy
A Newsletter For Searching Singles
January 2005
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The value of the personal relationship to all things is
that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and
understanding creates love.
Anais Nin
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| WELCOME |
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I don't know about all of you, but I can't believe it's
a new year! Now that January is well under way, how is your commitment to
keeping your life changing resolutions? Armed with the right goals, a solid
plan and a lot of determination- anything is possible for you in 2005. If
you need a little inspiration to get you started, check out my article on
New Year's resolutions:
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/03jan.htm#feature
This theme of new beginnings has inspired me to find even better ways
to assist you in relationship building. So many of you have written me
asking for advice on how to successfully meet and date compatible singles.
In order to help you with this, I am going to write a series of articles
discussing the problems and issues that singles are encountering as they
try to make the right love connection. In order to best achieve my goal, I
have been working on some exciting ideas that will be developed into
articles that are filled with answers to your most important dating
questions. Stay tuned! This month, I will begin by sharing my pre-date
checklist with you. There is so much debate around the whole topic of
dating, and many singles are left feeling unsure of what is and is not
considered acceptable and/or useful in their quest for making successful
connections. Remember, I always appreciate your feedback and comments,
even if you disagree with me!
If you need real help with dating consider coaching. We have a great
deal of experience in helping people meet, date and create healthy and
lasting relationships. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/how.htm, for
details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that
provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship
communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and
relationship advice, you can find these on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm Whatever you relationship
needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter.
Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need
of some relationship building help and advice.
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QUOTE OF THE MONTH |
Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games
with ourselves
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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| FEATURED ARTICLE: Playing The Dating Game To
Win |
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DATE. The dictionary defines this word as, "an
engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic
interest." When two people meet and share a mutual interest in exploring
something more, they usually arrange a date. Simple, right? Apparently
not.
Dating today seems to have taken on a number of different meanings and
contexts, depending upon whom you talk to. Many singles verbalize
uncertainty about the who, what, when, where and how's of dating.
Somewhere along the way the game changed and the old rules were forgotten
or lost. What's a single person in search of a relationship to do?
The answer will depend upon what an individual's relationship needs
and goals are. If someone is playing for fun, there may be few if any
rules. If they are playing to win, the rules will matter, as the stakes
for them are high. Much of the confusion and difficulty seems to occur
when two individuals with different goals meet and make plans to get
together.
So, how can someone play the dating game in a way that maximizes their
chance of meeting their relationship expectations?
They must decide IN ADVANCE what their (long term) goals for dating
are and what is and is not acceptable for them from any future partner and
relationship. Then they must make conscious, self-serving decisions
regarding the who, what, when, where and why questions that arise.
In order to assist you with these important choices, I have designed a
pre-date checklist. It's a basic primer that will help you to meet and
date compatible singles who are in a similar dating place (at the present
time) as you are. Some careful thought beforehand will help you to avoid
making impulsive and/or poorly thought out choices that can lead to the
kinds of headaches and heartaches that are detailed in the many emails I
receive.
Pre-Date Checklist:
* Am I dealing with any unresolved (past) issues that impact my
ability to have a healthy social/dating life?
* At this time am I interested in meeting a lot of people and dating
for fun and experience or am I looking for a serious involvement?
* Do I know the best ways/places to meet people who share my present
dating expectations and goals?
* Do I have a rough list of attributes/characteristics that I am
looking for in a partner (if applicable) or a person I'd want to date?
* Do I have "rules" that are in line with my dating expectations and
goals? If so, am I able to be consistent in following them?
* Am I upfront and clear in my communication with singles in whom I
have an interest in dating?
* Am I comfortable (and appropriate) in expressing my disinterest in
dating (or continuing to date) someone?
* Do I think through the possible consequences beforehand of drinking
too much, agreeing to leave alone with someone I have just met and any
other reckless and/or impulsive behaviors?
A healthy, successful dating life requires making CONSCIOUS choices
that are based on a strong self-knowledge and good self-esteem. If you
have a past dating pattern that is characterized by first dates that go
nowhere; promises of calls to get together that never come; first meetings
that leave you wondering what went wrong when the connection felt so right;
and other dating disasters- then I urge you to try utilizing the pre-date
checklist and doing some work on yourself first, in order to help change
your dating luck and chances of relationship success.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS |
Q. I am a 30's something, very attractive, professional
female who has a dating history marked by initial mutual attraction with
men that leads nowhere, long periods of not dating and the occasional one
night stand that I deeply regret later. I know men find me attractive, yet
it seems that it never leads to any real connection. When I get overcome
with anxiousness about never finding someone, I say and do the things that
I later regret. I'm sure I seem desperate at times to men, but don't know
how to just be myself - because that does not seem to work. My
friends/co-workers/family tell me I am funny, caring, sensitive and a good
catch. What do I do to change my negative dating pattern? What am I doing
wrong?
A. Great question. However, the answer is not simple and will take
some time, research and energy on your part. You have a few clues to go
on, and that is where you should begin.
You know you are attractive. You know that you are a good, caring,
etc. person. However, your ability to be yourself and use your best self
to attract compatible others needs some work. Meeting and dating is a
process. It begins with only you. Your self-awareness and self-esteem
should be evaluated and assessed as a potential successful dating block.
You may also have some deeply held negative feelings/beliefs about
romantic relationships. These can lead you to "choose" the wrong men or to
(unconsciously) sabotage your chances with someone who may be a real
contender. If this is an issue for you, it must be dealt with FIRST.
Psychotherapy and/or or coaching could be utilized to help you to resolve
issues such as these.
After you have worked on what I call "relationship readiness", then
you can begin to look at your style of interaction with others. Perhaps
this needs some work? For instance, you may need some coaching in
effective flirting and conversing with individuals of interest to you.
Perhaps you have few or no ideas about how and where to meet the kind of
guy that is right for you. You could be one of those people who would
benefit from utilizing structured dating services and other professional
third party help that is available to singles.
The key is to do a thorough assessment of what the problems may be and
come up with a plan for resolving them. Until you have done so, you risk
repeating a cycle of datelessness, "serial first dates", and one night
stands that leave you feeling less attractive and more hopeless than you
do now.
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| END NOTES |
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If you have a poor or non-existent dating history, this
issue was designed to help you get started on a new path to relationship
success. Becoming a successful dater requires a knowledge base and set of
skills that anyone can acquire with some determination and effort. For the
next few months, I will be delving into the murky world of meeting and
dating. I will be conducting interviews with both men and women and
offering their thoughts on what are desirable attitudes and behaviors in
the opposite sex, and what pushes them away or turns them off.
If you would like more help and advice on developing or implementing
your relationship plan, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Don't let this
season slip into spring without taking advantage of all the fun ways that
are now available all around you to meet compatible (and ready for a
relationship) singles.
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Contact
Info: |
Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
©Copyright 2002-2005, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may
retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single
word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student
newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance
written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in
altered or modified form.
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