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The Art Of Intimacy
A Newsletter For Searching Singles
February 2005
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The value of the personal relationship to all things is
that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and
understanding creates love.
Anais Nin
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| IN THIS ISSUE |
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1. Welcome
2. Quote Of The Month
3. Featured Article: Men On Dating- Timing, Turn-Offs and Keepers
4. Frequently Asked Questions
5. End Notes
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WELCOME |
Now that the ground hog has seen his shadow and the
Super Bowl has been played, it seems that many folks are in that period of
(somewhat) dreary winter, waiting for those warmer and longer days of
spring. For those of you who love snowy days and winter sports, remember
you still have many weeks ahead to indulge yourselves.
That favorite of all occasions for singles- Valentine's Day- is over.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your view), it only occurs one
day a year. Keep in mind that good relationships are nurtured and honored
throughout the year, and that this is primarily a "commercial" day in
which people make a special "show" of their affection for one another. If
you are one of those singles who dreaded this day, consider beginning now
to celebrate the single life. Strive to fill every day with passion,
dedication and caring for self and others. It is in living well that we
find, and attain, our heart's desire.
This month's article has been designed to offer my female readers
valuable new insights into the MALE perspective on women and dating. I
interviewed several attractive, educated, professional and successful
single guys and asked them some direct questions about their likes,
dislikes, turn- ons, turn-offs and how and when a guy becomes ready to
marry. I also asked each of them to respond to a question from a woman who
was confused when a guy she had several great dates with, just vanished.
The result is an article filled with tips for all you women out there who
seek to become winners in the (often) challenging game of dating. I
welcome feedback from all my readers (men and women), and would love to
hear your thoughts about the article and/or your views on dating and the
opposite sex. Please consider sharing them with me by writing
Toni@consum-mate.com
If you need real help with dating consider coaching. We have a great
deal of experience in helping people meet, date and create healthy and
lasting relationships. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/how.htm, for
details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that
provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship
communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and
relationship advice, you can find these on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm Whatever you relationship
needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter.
Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need
of some relationship building help and advice.
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| QUOTE OF THE MONTH |
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I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
Dudley Moore
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FEATURED ARTICLE: Men On Dating- Timing, Turn-Offs
and Keepers |
Dear Relationship Coach-
"We met online and seemed to hit it off right from the start. After he
answered my ad, we went on our first date, and it was fabulous. I believe
we both felt a strong chemistry and learned a lot about each other. At the
end of the evening we agreed to get together again. He called me the next
day and we talked for three hours. On our second date, we spent the whole
day together. After three dates (and many emails, phone calls) - we were
talking on a Thursday night. We had previously discussed plans for
Saturday. However, he did not mention it before we hung up. I wasn't sure
of how to handle the situation, so I waited until a day later and left a
voice message for him, saying hi. After four days with no word, I left him
an invitation to dinner at my place. I never heard back. What happened?
What am I supposed to think?" (Confused Female)
Many single women write to me expressing confusion, uncertainty and
frustration regarding the whole dating scene. Their stories are often
(like the one above), filled with tales of broken dates, unanswered emails
and/or phone calls and guys just disappearing for no apparent reason. They
are looking for answers about what qualities men look for in choosing
women to date and want to know what single guys really want from their
relationships. Most of all, they want to know how to find and build
mutually satisfying and lasting relationships.
After receiving the above email, I decided to query several single
guys and ask for their thoughts, reactions and suggestions to this and
other questions that women want answers to. The men I spoke to are all;
never married, twenties to thirties, professional, attractive and
financially successful. All have very full social lives and have been
actively meeting and dating women for years. Only one guy (David, a small
town mayor and a professional lobbyist for a trade association) is in a
relationship. However, he travels quite a bit and spends a lot of time out
socially with mixed groups of singles.
Their feedback for the writer of the above question contained somewhat
differing views, but had a consistent thread running through it. The bottom
line - he liked her and had an interest, but something changed and he
decided he didn't want to continue. The men offered such comments as "he
decided he's just not that interested in her" and " I wonder if they had
sex, because some guys are into the chase and loose interest after that".
One guy was surprised that this had occurred after they had spent a lot of
time together and there had been a real interest in getting to know each
other. All of the guys felt that he should have handled the situation
differently. David felt the writer should have brought up the issue of
getting together right away- during the phone call. He believes "this
would have cleared up the ambiguity and let her know upfront where she
stood." He also commented that a woman needs to "focus on what is
happening in a relationship right now". He cautioned, "don't rely on past
dates, go with what is happening now." Their comments gave birth to more
discussion and many related questions that came up for me as they shared
about their dating experiences and their beliefs. The end result? A brief
snapshot of the qualities men look for in women and their thoughts on
dating, timing, commitment and marriage.
What are turn-ons for you?
* " Personality is very important. Look for easy-going, easy to be
with, low maintenance".
* " Confident, fun, strong - yet kind- women"
* " Takes care of herself- mentally and physically"
* " Makes decisions based on what is good for her, not to please me
or someone else"
* " Is positive and can be part of a healthy give-and-take
relationship"
* " Attractive and has style and class"
* " Is a good friend, easy-going. easy to be with"
* " Is upfront and communicates feelings/wants/needs clearly and
directly"
* " Comfortable with herself/her body/her decisions"
What are turn-offs for you?
* " Doesn't take care of herself- sloppy, disorganized, etc."
* " Negativity is a big turn-off- behavior, relationships,
conversation"
* " High-maintenance- nothing is ever enough"
* " Game-player/won't express needs and feelings directly"
* " Expects too much in general and doesn't give back equally"
* " Is always the victim- everyone unfair and unkind to them"
* "needy, insecure, clingy"
* " selfish- stingy with money, time, friends"
What are the qualities that make a woman a "keeper"?
* " Nurturing"
* "supportive"
* " intelligent"
* " very into me"
* " appreciates what I contribute and is respectful of my feelings"
* " self-reliant"
* "family-oriented, likes kids"
* " career or no career ok as long as she contributes to the family
(great mom)
How would you define "date"?
* " Make plans in advance"
* " There is something there besides sex"
* " This is something you want to pursue- have an interest in the
person"
* "Friends with benefits can lead to dating or be considered a
date"
* "Hooking-up is not dating"
How does a woman know if a guy is really interested?
* " He will pursue her"
* " No matter what, he will keep in contact"
* " He communicates regularly and pursues a dating relationship"
How does a guy let a woman know he is not/no longer interested?
* " He will vanish"
* " Email or call but not bring up getting together"
* "Say I had a great time, etc.- but then not call"
* "Won't return calls or call when he said he would"
* "Talk with her about how he is feeling/not feeling, but this is
hard for many men to do"
* "Has to do with his age and level of maturity- these will
determine which way he will handle it"
Why/when do guys marry?
* " It's about maturity and readiness"
* " Age and what friends are doing plays a large role"
* " Has to do with readiness for making a commitment and having kids,
etc."
* " Heeds to feel financially, emotionally ready"
* " Needs to really click with a woman- on all levels"
* "timing is a lot of it"
The content of the feedback from these guys was very consistent. The
overall consensus? High-maintenance, negative women are the biggest
turn-offs. Confident, together women, who take care of themselves, can
communicate honestly and directly and are easy to be with- got the highest
marks. Timing in relationships plays a huge role. Mostly, the men
emphasized that when a guy is truly interested in a woman, he will pursue
her and let her know. If he offers excuses and doesn't follow through,
he's just not interested- either in her or in a relationship at this time.
My advice to the women out there. "Listen" closely to what he
communicates non-verbally. If he says one thing, but does another, he is
not telling you the whole truth. If you have just begun dating someone or
have seen him for a while and his behavior towards you changes suddenly-
address this with him immediately. Most of all, if something just doesn't
feel right, it probably isn't. Trust your instincts and let them be your
guide.
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| FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS |
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Q. I had been dating this guy for about 4 months. Our
relationship started intensely. We felt immediate chemistry and called or
saw each other daily for the first 6 weeks or so. We talked about future
vacations and even discussed moving in together. We related well
physically and got along well as friends. Everything seemed fine and then,
without any warning, he said he would be busy for a few weeks. When I
called him, he never answered the phone. He didn't return my emails for
days and his responses were brief and detached in the language he used. I
have been at a loss as to how to handle the situation. Do I address the
change directly, gently explore the issue of his sudden behavior change or
just cut off all contact? I really like (d) this guy and want to make sure
I won't have any regrets in the future over having mishandled the
situation.
A. So, it was looking like the real thing and then Mr. Wonderful did
a 180... To begin with, acknowledge (at least to yourself) that you are
only half of the equation here. You can't somehow FIX or RESOLVE the
problem all on your own. You only have control over your end of it and
have no responsibility for how he handles himself. That being said, you do
have some decisions to make. The good news is that you have a number of
options and whichever one (s) you decide to go with should reflect what
feels right for you in the situation, as it exists now.
He has basically disappeared from your life. He gave no (or perhaps a
little?) warning. He has offered no explanation. You want to give him the
benefit of the doubt, but can't even connect with him long enough to have
a discussion about the issue/problem. So, what are your choices? You can
place your dating life on hold while you continue to wait for an
explanation and make excuses for him that you (at least) can swallow. You
can follow him, get him in a corner and force him to tell you the truth.
Or, you can "listen" to what he is saying loudly and clearly (though
non-verbally). It really does appear that his feelings have changed and he
isn't mature/decent/respectful enough to speak directly to you about this.
So, what would probably be the best choice for you- the one that would
serve your interests and protect you from further hurt? Work on putting
this behind you and moving forward with your relationship goals. Work
towards an acceptance that this guy wasn't THE GUY. Then imagine going to
the altar and beyond with him, and THEN going through this abandonment as
a wife and possibly, a mother. Kind of puts it in perspective, doesn't it?
Dating is a great way to learn about what kinds of men are right (and
wrong) for you. It will also help you learn healthy communication,
negotiation and relationship building skills that will serve you well in
all your future relationships. Congratulations, you have just come to the
end of dating 101. Make sure you get an A on the final.
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END NOTES |
This issue was designed to help women make healthier
choices in their dating and relationship lives. For when a woman knows
what she wants and needs, communicates this clearly and sets healthy
boundaries- a mature and lasting love is just a chance meeting away.
If you would like more help and advice on developing or implementing
your relationship plan, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Don't let this
season slip into spring without taking advantage of all the fun ways that
are now available all around you to meet compatible (and ready for a
relationship) singles.
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Contact
Info: |
Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
©Copyright 2002-2005, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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