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The Art Of IntimacyA Newsletter For Searching Singles August 2005
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WELCOME
Every
year at this time I begin to get that "back- to- school" feeling. You
know, the party is almost over and it is now time to get organized and
back on track. Even though as adults our summer "vacation" is a very
different experience from childhood, that feeling persists ( for most of
us) and pushes us to shift gears and look ahead. As you look forward to the coming season, what do
you see? If the picture is not looking the way you would like it to, now
is a good time to get a jump on resolutions and set some manageable and
realistic goals. Then, organize your space, get rid of unnecessary stuff
that overwhelms and clutters your life and make room for what is most
important for you. Most importantly, identify a few small changes you can
make, today, to set you on the course towards a happier single life and
healthy, fulfilling relationships. If you need focused help with your relationship
goals, I offer eclasses that provide help with relationship readiness,
meeting and dating skills and effective relationship communication. These
can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm. I also offer individual
coaching, couples coaching and relationship help sessions from one session
up, depending on your needs. You can check these out on: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm. If you are looking for articles that offer a lot
of free dating help and advice. You can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm If you haven't clicked on our surveys, considering
doing so. We are always looking for your input and feedback in order to
provide what you need most. These can be found at http://consum-mate.com/ask.htm and Dear Dating Coach. Whatever
you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at
Consum-mate. A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter.
Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need
of some relationship building advice.
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FEATURED ARTICLE: SERIAL
DATING
Serial – "Of, forming, or arranged
in a series." Dating – "An engagement to go out socially with another
person, often out of romantic interest." In the past month alone I have
had over twenty emails from women who are seeking help with a dating
history characterized by seeing men for two or three dates and then never
hearing from them again. In some cases, there has been some email contact
or the occasional phone call after the last date, but no mention of seeing
each other again. These women want to know what they are doing wrong or if
something is just wrong with them. In order to help them answer this, I
ask them about their relationship readiness… There are approximately
95.7 million single adults in the United States alone. Many are seeking
long-term, committed relationships, but others are not. The key to
successful relationship building, if this is your goal- is to learn how to
tell the players from the people who want to play for keeps. It begins with
having clear relationship goals and a plan for achieving them. Begin
by examining your own feelings and your true readiness for intimacy.
Deciding it is time for this big step should not be due to your age, your
friends' relationship/marital status or to the biological and societal
pressures that often factor into choices that end in heartbreak and/or
divorce. Instead, look at what you really want from your future partner
and come up with a list of what you must have and another of what is not
acceptable. Then take an inventory of your life as it is now. Ask yourself
if you are generally happy, well-adjusted, financially and emotionally
stable and ready to do the work that comes with a real relationship. This
first step is the one that many people overlook and then wonder why they
end up in a pattern of serial dating, in which they always seem to choose
-or be chosen by – the wrong kind of man/woman. The next step is to
get that plan in place. Get familiar with local and online resources that
will bring you into contact with the kind of person you seek. This is an
active process that requires time, energy and commitment on your part.
Once you have identified some good resources, use them well. Sign up for
activities, groups, sports, cultural events or whatever activities bring
you pleasure and will help you to interact with others who share your
interests and passions. Be realistic with your schedule and don't
overbook, which could leave you exhausted and emotionally
spent. Most importantly, don't rush the process because you are in
love with the IDEA of being in love. This is when you risk ending up in a
pattern of serial dating, because the men women you choose to date don't
want what you want- or don't want it now. There are many singles who are
dating for fun, dating more than one person at a time and/or feel they are
not ready for or interested in a serious relationship at the present time.
While there is nothing wrong with this, if it is not what you want you
could find yourself riding a roller coaster of repeated self-doubt,
feelings of failure and insecurity, disappointment and/or
heartbreak. Remember also that it is important to honestly
communicate what you are looking for and be consistent in setting
comfortable and appropriate limits in your dating life. Pay attention to
your instincts and learn to read what the other person doesn't say as well
as what they say. People, just like things, are not always what they appear
to be. When you are truly ready and have the self-awareness and tools
necessary, you will greatly increase your chances of finding and sustaining
happy love.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED
QUESTIONS
Q. I am a late 30's
something, single, professional woman who is ready to give up ondating. I
have a profile on a major singles site, belong to a singles volunteer
group and socialize quite a bit with other single people at work and in my
community of friends. I am told that I am attractive and a fun person to be
with. I have decided that I am really for an intimate relationship and have
said this in my profile. My problem? I meet men fairly easily and
date more than many of my friends do. However, I rarely get past a second
or third date- sometimes not even past the first one. The men who ask me
out seem very eager to date me and show a lot of attention at first. But
after a couple of weeks or a month, they loose interest and often don't
explain their changed feelings to me. I am always left with a sense that I
did something wrong. It seems that just when I am staring to like a guy, he
vanishes with no warning. What's up?
A. It appears that you are in a pattern of serial dating.
The key here is that there is a PATTERN. This kind of thing happens to
everyone, but if it happens consistently, you are right to take a closer
look at what is going on. Based on what you have told me, I'm
inclined to think that the guys you have dated are looking for different
things than you are. They obviously find you attractive and often ask you
out again, but then something is not working between the two of you. It
would be very useful if you could have a frank discussion with at least
one of them about why they decided not to continue. If this is possible, I
recommend it. It would also be very useful for you to step back and take a
careful look at what attracted you to these guys in the first place. Are
there common personality or other traits that you were drawn to? If so,
could these possibly be clues about the "wrongness' of this kind of guy-
for you? Men who come on with intensity and show great interest can
be a turn on. After all, isn't it exciting to be desirable and wanted? But
this kind of interest can also be a sign that the guy is a player,
interested in a fun, fast time- but not a slow-forming intimate bond. Only
time will tell. My advice? Slow things down right from the start.
Take your time getting to know each guy you date. Don't let him push you
into going faster than what feels comfortable for you. If he is in a big
hurry, this is a red flag. Don't ignore it. Most importantly, keep your
heart and feelings in check until you have had more time together. Pay
attention to your gut, there are always warning signs. They may be verbal
but just as often they are non-verbal. If a guy is the right guy, you will
hear from him after the third date.
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END NOTES
This month's article was written for
all you serial daters out there. Hopefully, we have helped you to get a
handle on what you need to do to break this frustrating cycle of "going
nowhere" dating. If you need additional help assessing your relationship
readiness, consider coaching. Just send an email to Toni@consum-mate.com
and let her help you learn how to find and sustain lasting, healthy love.
Don't let this important part of your life be put on a back
burner.
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Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
©Copyright 2002-2007, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may
retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single
word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student
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written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in
altered or modified form.
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IN THIS
ISSUE
1. WELCOME
2. QUOTE OF THE MONTH
3. FEATURED ARTICLE:
4. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
5. END NOTES
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