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The Art Of Intimacy
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September 2004
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WELCOME
Labor Day has come and gone, and here we are, past the official "end of the summer." It is hard to believe that the season is really over since we still have a number of warm and (somewhat) long days ahead of us. Yet, most of us have at least begun contemplating the need to wrap up the things of summer and put them away for the cold months ahead. Hopefully, your recreation "toys" got some good use and will be wrapped in the memories of the fun times you had with them.
As the fall begins, we say good-bye to the most carefree time of the year. This season that offers us lots of opportunity for new experiences and meeting new people is also the time for which many songs about lost love are written. So, in honor of that classic tradition of finding and (sometimes) saying good-bye to a summer love; this month's article will focus on how to move on when summer ends and love departs. If this has been your experience, you are not alone. Many have been there before you and have gone on to find a love that takes them through the years.
If you need real help to recover from a break-up, consider coaching. We have a great deal of experience in guiding people through the healing process and supporting them in moving on from broken relationships that have kept them stuck in the grieving process. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/help.htm for details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm
Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help and advice.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons; but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They're shooting stars - a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they are gone.
FEATURED ARTICLE: Summer Love - Moving On When It's Over
The days are shorter and cooler. A tune begins to play on the radio. You can feel your heart tighten. What used to be just a background melody has become your song, and you are left wondering how and why something so wonderful had to end so fast? The feelings of sadness are almost overwhelming as you reflect on the intense love affair you never expected to find and now feel completely lost without.
What is it about summer love? How can it seem so right, yet fade so often with the advent of fall? More importantly, how do we accept this loss while moving forward with the routines of life and a belief that a better and stronger love will happen for us?
We should begin with an acknowledgement that relationships start in different ways, under different circumstances; and their unique elements help to determine their duration and the course they will take. Summertime is the season of vacations, new adventures and the opportunity to meet and connect with people who are in a life transition, live in far away places and/or are looking for an experience apart from their "real" lives. Therefore, time and geography are often central to how we view a summer romance and what our expectations, hopes and outcomes for it will be.
I received an email from a young woman shortly after Labor Day. She had just come back from a summer of living and working at the beach. Even though she was dating someone "back home," she found herself spending more and more time with a male co-worker. "We felt an instant attraction," she wrote. "Before I knew it, I was getting serious, and thought he felt the same." As summer drew to a close he made his plans to return to school, thanking her for a great time and telling her he would never forget her. She couldn't believe that it was over. Her question, "What do I do now?"
If you have had a similar recent experience, the following may be helpful to you.
Most of all, don't rush the process. In time, you will realize that no experience is wasted. The learning and growing that you have done will offer you new tools in building and sustaining a lasting and healthy relationship.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I have recently come back from a summer at the beach. I went there to live and work and just have a great summer with friends. I was dating someone at college, but wanted the beach experience before graduation and "real life" set in. I became friendly with a (male) co-worker. We clicked right away and had so much fun on the job together. Then we began sharing some of our free time, and a strong attraction became evident for both of us. I think because it was summer, we just let ourselves go. It was so perfect without all the responsibilities of the life I have back home. Neither of us was looking to get involved, but things moved quickly. I was sure by August that we both felt the same way. As we entered the last week there, he seemed to distance a bit. He was excited about returning to school and (I think) to the woman he was dating. I asked him about "us." He seemed surprised. He said it had been great and that he will never forget me, but that it is time to return to reality. It was only then that I realized he had not developed the same feelings and attachment to me that I had to him.
I'm devastated. I can't sleep or eat very much. I cry a lot. I feel that I have lost the love of my life. How could I have been so wrong about his feelings? Do I try to talk to him again? How do I get back on track with school and my real life?
A. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Very little in life hurts as much as lost love. You are not alone in this experience and the good news is that you can recover and go on to a better and lasting relationship.
It was summer. You (and he) were looking for fun and new experiences. You both found exactly that. So, what's the problem? You found more than you had planned on, but he didn't. The sad reality is that you got involved with each other with the expectation that this was a summer thing--nothing more. However, as you found out, the heart takes its own course.
Immerse yourself in the feelings, but set a limit on when and for how long. As bad as they will feel, they will not harm you unless you avoid or suppress them. Surround yourself with people who are good for you. Let them support you and you will do the same when it is their turn to seek comfort. Stay busy in a healthy way. Focus on your goals and/or set new and better ones. This will not only help you to take breaks from the pain, it will move you forward in a positive direction. Be careful not to use substances or sex to soothe the wounds. This will only leave you feeling worse about yourself and your prospects for the future.
Lastly, give yourself the space and time you need to recover. Attempting to contact him and risking almost certain rejection will keep you stuck and leave you believing yourself to be unworthy and unlovable. By focusing on you in ways that are good for you, you will come away from this experience having learned an important lesson about what a "real" relationship is and is not. The next time you will make more careful choices that will result in a love affair that has the right elements--right from the start.
Good luck.
END NOTES
This issue was designed to help anyone who is in recovery from a broken love relationship. Since summer seems to be the season of intense and brief relationships, we hope we were able to offer some timely and useful tips for healing.
If you feel the need for more intense help with your recovery from a failed relationship, consider coaching. Contact Toni@consum-mate.com to find out what help she can offer you. We have years of experience in helping people heal and move on to happy, lasting love. Don't let the year end without some healthy closure and resolution. For without these, it will be difficult to find and keep that right relationship.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2004 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.
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© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com