| |
|
The Art Of Intimacy
Newsletter |
|
|
|
|
The value of the personal relationship to all things is
that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and
understanding creates love.
Anais Nin
|
|
|
|
|
| |
In This Issue |
1. Welcome
2. Quote Of The Month
3. Featured Article: Trick Or Treat- Is This Make-Believe Or The Real
Thing?
4. Frequently Asked Questions
5. End Notes
|
|
|
|
|
| Welcome |
|
Fall is here and the days are going shorter and cooler.
For many, it is so hard to say good-bye to summer. So, if you are one of
these people, try immersing yourself in the beautiful sights and smells of
this season. There is nothing like the feeling of walking outside on that
first cool morning. The trees are beginning their turn to the brilliant
colors of autumn. The air is crisp and clear and you can feel a kind of
electricity in the air. This is also the season for getting our houses and
affairs in order for the long months ahead. What a great time to reflect on
the state of your dating and relationship life. Does it need some fall
cleaning and fine-tuning? If so, don't wait. The holidays will be here
soon and you want to be ready for all the possibilities and experiences
that they can offer.
This month's newsletter was written with the theme of Halloween in
mind. It seems no matter how old we get, this day holds an attraction for
us. We get to be who we want to be- at least for a day. It also reminds us
that we sometimes wear masks when we are in new and unfamiliar situations.
How hard it can be seeing through the masks of others, especially in the
dating world. I get many emails related to this subject and decided that
it would be helpful to my readers to look at this subject once again. So,
read on for some advice on how to get past those masks and see if what is
there is real and worth pursuing.
If you need real help with dating consider coaching. We have a great
deal of experience in helping people meet, date and create healthy and
lasting relationships. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/how.htm, for
details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that
provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship
communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and
relationship advice, you can find these on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm Whatever you relationship
needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter.
Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need
of some relationship building help and advice.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Quote Of The Month |
"Some people will not tolerate emotional honesty in
communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds
that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness,
they settle for superficial relationships."
Unknown
|
|
|
|
|
| Featured Article |
|
Trick Or Treat- Is This Make-Believe Or The Real Thing?
"I'll call you this week". "Yes, I'd love to see you again". "I had a
great time". "I'm not interested in dating anyone else". "I think I'm
falling in love with you."
These are a few of the phrases passed between singles as they move
through the stages of meeting and dating. At the time, they are uttered
with what feels like true emotion and honesty. No wonder the person they
are directed to is so confused when the call never comes, the person
becomes unavailable, or it soon becomes evident that the speaker is dating
or deeply involved with someone else. Can we ever believe what we see or
hear? How can we be sure?
Dating is a process of getting to know someone. It begins with an
attraction, which is formed by that first impression. Often, this first
meeting occurs by chance at a social gathering, at work or in the course
of one's daily life. More and more, it happens through a response to a
personal ad and the emailing and phone calls that follow. Both in-person
and email or voice contact give us a sense of the other individual- but
this is only a brief snapshot of who they may be. It takes real time
together to create a larger and clearer picture of this other person and
their rightness or wrongness for us. During this time we assess for
friendship, attraction, shared interests and values, and a willingness and
ability on the part of both individuals to move forward in a relationship.
Given that this is a process, it has stages. A first date helps the
couple to learn more. It is a fact-finding experience, which involves not
only the information the other provides, but our feelings and reactions to
it and to them as a potential partner. We show our best selves and attempt
to make an appropriate connection with someone we find desirable. In the
best scenario, everything clicks for both people and conversation is
natural and easy. More often, there may be questions, doubts, and/or mixed
feelings. Seeing each other again is often suggested by one or both people
and is a good way to learn more about each other and resolve any
questions. But the doubts and negative feelings go unstated in a desire to
either give the other person a chance or to let them down easily. It's also
an easy way out for someone who is uncomfortable with this level of
emotional honesty.
So, how do we know what the other person is truly feeling? You have
several options for getting this information.
* You take them at their word and wait to see if they follow through
with what they have said they would do. Nothing speaks louder than
behavior. This option is the most common choice and can leave you in that
all too familiar holding and wondering pattern.
* You attempt to address the situation openly and candidly. This one
requires a bit of courage and an ability to be vulnerable. State how you
are feeling in a thoughtful but honest way. Ask them to do the same for
you. Let them know that you want to hear their honest thoughts about how
the date went and if they would like to get together again.
* The third option should be used regardless of what you do with the
other two. Pay attention to their non-verbal communication. How do they
look at you? What quiet responses do you get after you have shared
something about yourself? What do you see in their facial reaction,
posture and eyes? Do you FEEL interest or just politeness? Are they really
WITH you, or somewhere else? If you learn to listen to the non-verbal
language, you will HEAR much more than what their words have to say.
Listening to the whole person applies throughout the stages of dating
and relationships. It is also important during this time to pay attention
to their behavior and note inconsistencies or mixed messages. Too often
people don't and are stunned when a relationship "suddenly" ends or they
find out they are seeing someone who was not the person they thought they
were. Trust your instincts and listen "with a third ear".
Remember also that the responsibility for honesty is also on you.
Don't say what you think the other person wants to hear because you don't
want to be impolite or hurt their feelings. If you really think about it,
it is more hurtful and in poor taste to be dishonest with someone who has
a true interest and is trying to learn yours.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Frequently Asked Questions |
Q. I met a man through a personal ad and everything
seemed to "click" from the first email contact. We wrote back and forth
for a week and then he called. After we had shared a number of very long
phone calls, we met. He seemed very anxious to get together yet we seemed
to have a lot of trouble coordinating our schedules. He talked as though
we were perfect for each other and his enthusiasm was excessive- but nice.
I tried to keep my hopes realistic but was really looking forward to it and
found myself thinking he could be "the one". We met for dinner. In person
he came across differently than I had expected. He was much quieter and
lacked that intensity he had shown over the phone. Nevertheless, we had a
nice time and even went for an after dinner drink and walk. I thought this
seemed more realistic and felt good about it. He said he would call about
an event he had discussed taking me to, even before we met.
I emailed him to thank him for the nice evening. After no word for
almost a week, I became confused. I emailed one more time, asking him if
everything was ok. He wrote back very briefly, stating that he is very
busy and will be traveling out of the country for a while. That was a
month ago and I have heard nothing.
What happened? Everything seemed to be going ok and clearly we clicked
at least on some level. Did I do something wrong?
A. This is a scenario that is becoming more and more common as people
are meeting over the Internet. I think a few things were operating here
and they have nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.
This guy sounds like he really wants at least the IDEA of a
relationship. He had put himself out there and followed through with you
up until that first meeting. He obviously felt a connection as you did.
However, you were lacking that in-person sense of each other. As you
already know, chemistry operates on several levels. It sounds like the
friendship part was on track. However, there is the attraction that goes
beyond what you look like in a photograph. It's that feeling we get in the
presence of the other. Yes, it can grow over time, depending on one's view
and willingness to give this time.
I get a gut sense that he created a "you" in his mind before you met.
He built up an image and feelings that were most likely not there for him
when you met. His "enthusiasm" speaks to this. He seemed so sure you were
the one and was even discussing the future- before you had met! Your
approach and feelings were more realistic and "mature". You knew more
information was needed. You even picked up on his change in demeanor when
you met and knew something was different. There is nothing quite like
instincts to give us the right information.
This is not the guy for you. He not only has a different approach to
relationships, but he seems to have a somewhat unrealistic view of them.
Then there is the way he handled it. He pulled back, said he's call and
disappeared. Can you imagine being seriously involved with someone like
this?
My advice is to learn what you can from the situation. Then get back
out there and carefully read profiles and post your own. Try screening out
men like this through emails and phone calls. Remember the old saying about
"kissing a lot of toads before finding your prince". This was a good
learning experience about the world of Internet dating and dating in
general.
Good luck with the next date.
|
|
|
|
|
| End Notes |
|
Hopefully this month's article will help you to read the
language of dating more successfully. Too often, singles blame themselves
for a failure to make the right connection. However, it is about both
people and their rightness for each other. It is also about sharing an
equal ability and willingness to get to know another person and a mature
view of what real and healthy relationships are made of.
If you would like more help and advice on this or any other
relationship issue, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Don't let this season
pass you by and leave you wondering where the year went and if you will
ever meet the one.
|
|
|
|
|
Contact
Info: |
Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
©Copyright 2002-2004, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may
retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single
word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student
newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance
written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in
altered or modified form.
|
|
|
|
