Relationship Advice and Coaching For Singles Wanting True Love

The Art Of Intimacy
A newsletter for searching singles

WELCOME

I hope this newsletter finds all of you busily working on building your relationships. As we all know, it begins with getting things in balance and making the time for a life outside of work and other responsibilities. Fortunately, the season of spring makes this a little easier. It can be hard to focus on daily tasks when the world outside is warm, bright and renewing itself. So, go for it. Get out, get involved and play as hard as you work. You just may find a new love or deepen an existing one.

Thanks for all your feedback and great questions. I read everything and answer at least one question in my Dear Dating Coach Column. Some questions would require a lot of detail to answer but are so relevant and relate to very important issues. These give me ideas for my monthly articles contained in this newsletter. I do attempt to answer as many as I can. So, read the article each month and check the column at http://www.consum-mate.com/ask.htm. You just may see your question featured or addressed in one of these.

This month's article is about the "friend crush." I receive many letters about this and have found this to be such a common issue that is rarely talked about openly. If this is something you have experienced, you are not alone. After you have read the article, I'd love to hear your story or any thoughts you may have on the subject.

Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art Of Intimacy. It now goes out to thousands of singles like you. Special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a single friend or acquaintance.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

I can't make you love me if you don't.

FEATURED ARTICLE: The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship

He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have known each other for a few years and have shared meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other about your latest love interest and turned to one another for support when the relationship(s) failed. You can't imagine life without your good friend.

But for a while....

You've felt jealous of his dates. You've been overprotective of her since she has been seeing the jerk. You've been having very strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than friendship. Could it be that your feelings for him/her have grown into something more? If so, your relationship may have developed into a "friend crush."

You don't know what to do. You know you want to continue spending time together- more time. But it's getting hard. You fantasize about having more with this person and are beginning to feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretend everything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hoping your feelings will go back to the way they were? Do you actually TALK directly and honestly with your friend about how you feel?

What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONG choice?

Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics of their relationships with others. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this increasingly common dilemma. So, let's take a look at your options. You can:

• ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check and pretend everything is status quo.
  In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny your feelings so well that even you don't know what they are. You will also have to continue being comfortable on the sidelines while someone else has the relationship with this person that you desire. You will most likely be asked what you think of this or that person and be expected to be happy and supportive of your friend when they meet the right someone for them. In return for all this, you will still have your friend.
• begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) while seeking out new friendships to pursue and strengthen.
  This option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on the part of your friend who will wonder what happened. They may be understanding and accepting of your need to spread your wings and support you in doing what you need to do. Either way, you will see less of them and your relationship can weaken and perhaps disappear altogether as they move on with new people. If you can distance yourself for a while and no longer feel the romantic butterflies, you can always give them a call and may be able to pick up somewhere near where you left off.
• continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas - a desire for romantic intimacy and the hope that the person will realize that they feel the same way.
  If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, you can work to sabotage their new relationship or you can leave them wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings are coming from. You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it this way, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of a good friend.
• have an open and honest discussion with your friend regarding your new feelings for them.
  This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks to make. Often what I hear from people in this position is that they fear "ruining the friendship" if they discuss their feelings honestly. While this is a very understandable concern, it isn't well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Look again at the other options. Every one will bring about a change in your current friendship.

Why?

Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship. Ignoring them, hiding them or distancing yourself will lessen your closeness and the positive dynamics that flow between good friends. You can't go back. You need to decide how you want to move forward or if this is an option for you. It is also possible in choosing this option that you will learn that they have similar feelings for you that they were afraid to reveal. Therefore choosing this option could result in romance and a love relationship based on true friendship.

Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability to be completely open and vulnerable to another without fear of harm or rejection. So, by definition, we cannot be intimate with another while hiding or denying our true feelings and needs to them.

The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about really knowing the options, the consequences they bring and what will be best for you and your friend.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. I am a thirty something female with a male roommate that I have shared a close friendship with for over a year. Lately, I have been feeling romantic butterflies. I get up early to have coffee with him and try to spend more time at home in the evenings when he is in, but our other roommates are out. We have shared quite a bit about the people we date and our frustrations in finding suitable singles that we can really see ourselves with. Now it's hard for me to even discuss these things with him. I feel JEALOUS when he tells me he has met someone he may want to ask out. There are times I feel he may also be attracted to me. I get this sense, but can't be sure.

Should I drop hints, suggest we go out more as "friends" and see what happens, tell him what I'm feeling or just ignore my feelings and try to keep things as they are? I'm afraid of ruining our relationship and the great living arrangement we all have.

A. You appear the have the "friend crush." You know you two relate well as friends, you are compatible and have a good rapport - and now you feel the chemistry as well. You have several options.

You can go on as usual, but your relationship is already changed along with your feelings. So, the quality of your interactions- and closeness- won't be the same. However, you can hope your feelings will change or that you meet someone new who is right for you. In the meantime, it will be tough to say the least.

You can become so unhappy with the situation that you decide to look for other living arrangements. This, of course, will change your relationship as well. It also won't solve your problem of wanting more from the friendship. You may move and then attempt to confront your feelings with him, but either way, your "great" living situation will be changed.

You can begin to share some of your new feelings with him. How you do this depends on what is most comfortable for you. If you decide on this option, it's best to plan what you want to say and when. There is no "perfect" time, but there are ways to have these discussions that result in easier outcomes, regardless of his feelings for you and/or his reaction to your revelations.

Remember that you can't control what you feel and denying it will be very hard if not impossible. So, give it careful thought. There is a chance you will loose a friend. There is also a chance you may find new love.

Good luck.

END NOTES

This month's newsletter was written in response to the many emails I receive regarding a "friend crush." If this is your situation, I hope this month's article will help you to resolve your relationship dilemma with an outcome that is best for you. If you need additional help handling your "friend crush", consider a relationship help coaching session or some on-going relationship coaching. After all, what is more important than finding healthy, lasting love and a partner with whom to share the long road ahead?

Check out my eclasses that cover different aspects of meeting, dating, relationship building and communicating. Now is the best time to begin to build the relationship you desire. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm for more information on these.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2004 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.

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