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The Art Of Intimacy
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June 2004
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WELCOME
How was your Memorial Day weekend? Did the traditional start to the summer season go as you had hoped/planned? Summertime appears to hold more memories of happy and carefree days for most of us. So, as we head into June, expectations for this season can be high.
What do you wish for? Do you have a clear vision of not only what you want, but how you can make this desire a reality? If not, now is the time to make your plan and lay out the action steps to achieve it. If a healthy, intimate relationship is high on your list, now is a great time to begin your search for that right person.
There are many singles like yourself who are trying to meet compatible others. They are planning trips to the beach, signing up for outdoor activities and classes; and finding new ways to network while pursuing passions and interests that will offer them the experiences that happy memories are made of. Don't wait!
This month's article was written to help you become more successful in connecting with compatible singles through the Internet. As many of you know from your experience with this, the whole process can be confusing, overwhelming and disappointing. There are safety issues, concerns about the honesty of the person you think you are communicating with and many frustrations associated with how and when and if you move to the next step of a face-to-face meeting.
This month I am focusing of your personal ad. This first step is critical to the outcome you desire. You may think you already know everything necessary to write the ad that will attract the kind of person you seek. Maybe. Or perhaps you are missing something important or somehow sending out the wrong message. Take another look and make sure you are writing for success.
If you need additional help with relationship building, check out my eclasses on: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
There you can find help with building your relationship plan, finding a date or learning how to be an effective communicator.
If you have a particular dating question, feel free to write me at Ask The Coach - http://www.consum-mate.com/ask.htm. Each month I answer one question in detail.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice. Thousands of singles much like you are reading this today.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
We do not attract what we want, but what we are.
FEATURED ARTICLE: Your Online Personal Ad- Write For Success!
Where are all the good men/women? You go to parties, sign up for various activities and ask friends and family if they know anyone they can introduce you to. Yet, your dating life has been more than a little disappointing. What is a guy/girl supposed to do to find quality people?
Begin by continuing to do what you have been doing. These are all good ways to meet people. However, you may need to expand your search to the world of online dating. This would allow you to expand your search and come into contact with interested and available singles you would never meet in the existing circles in which you now move.
Perhaps you are thinking, "I have already tried this with little or mixed success." Maybe this too has become a source of disappointment and frustration and even despair. If so, you could be going about it the wrong way, or be in need of some information to put you on a track to better success. The first important step is writing your personal ad and choosing a good site to place it on.
The following are tips to help you write for success.
Be Yourself
The goal of your ad is to attract the kind of person who would be compatible with you. You are looking for someone who shares your goals, values, sense of humor, lifestyle and perhaps religion or other specific criteria. If you put in information that is not true to who you are, you could send potentially good dates on to the next ad. You may also attract the kind of person you are not interested in.
Be Sincere
Nothing is more attractive than sincerity. Think about it. Isn't this a turn-on for you? If you are funny, be funny. If you are serious, be that. Use honesty in describing your traits and desires in a potential mate. If there is something that is a must-have for you in any future relationship, highlight it. Remember that when and if you move to the next step, the other person will experience you as you really are, regardless of what the picture you drew for them in your ad looked like.
Write The Way You Speak
This goes right along with being you. Don't make your ad seem too contrived or rehearsed. You will loose that feeling of sincerity. Write a few drafts and just let the thoughts flow. Then go back and edit it. Make sure you spell check and check again. There is no bigger turn-off than someone who appears to have poor grammar or spelling.
Be Specific, But Leave Out Hang-Ups and Other Negatives
This is a first step. You want to put your true best forward. The picture you paint should be upbeat and positive. Everyone has a past. It's not wise too tell too much too soon. If you feel something is important, than put it in. A good example is "single mom", "divorced father of two", etc. Leave out the part about looking for someone to help me heal from a painful divorce.
Do not mention past relationships except to inform that you had one.
Highlight Your Uniqueness
There are things about us all that make us uniquely who we are. Let your ad portray this. If you have a special talent, interesting career or pastime, let people know about it. If it's important to you, it tells others much. If someone out there shares it, they will be drawn to what you have written.
Find a unique way to highlight yourself. If you look like someone well known, put that in. Just remember, if you look like Woody Allen, don't portray yourself as a Robert Redford type.
Avoid classic turn-offs
If you place a heavy emphasis on finding someone who is "beautiful" or "wealthy", you will turn off many people- often the very people who hope to attract. No one wants to be wanted for his or her looks or bank account. It also says something about you. How about superficial?
Use a Picture
This is very important. Ads that don't have one get far fewer responses. Many singles are having a professional picture made of them. You want to look like your BEST self. A professional can usually do a much better job at a very reasonable cost if you shop around a bit.
Post Your Ad On The Right Site
There are so many choices out there. Look for one that has a large membership of people who appear to be compatible with you. Make sure they have an enforced safety and privacy policy. There are specialty sites for people who seek a partner with a very particular passion or lifestyle. These include but are not limited to: animal lovers, vegetarians, advanced degreed professionals, and sites for people seeking those of the same faith.
If your requirements include someone within a close geographical distance, look for the sites that offer you a good selection.
Once you have given it careful thought and a little research and energy, write and post your ad for success.
Remember, we attract what we are, not what we want.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I have been corresponding through email with a man I met through a personal ad. We have been "talking" for over three weeks. The conversations have been pleasant and easy. I'm interested and I think he may be too. However, neither of us has made any suggestion about meeting face-to-face. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I have been waiting for him to bring this up. I'm pretty disappointed that he hasn't. He has even put me on his buddy list and forwards me joke and interest emails that go out to his friends, etc.
The last few days, I haven't heard back since the last email I sent to him. He said he would be away and very busy for a week. Is he trying to tell me something gently? When should two people meet in person after a cyber connection? Who should bring this up? Are there rules or guidelines that I'm not aware of?
A.There are no hard and fast "rules" for meeting and dating through the Internet. However, I am offering some guidelines that can help you to answer your question (s) while maximizing your efforts and chance for success.
First of all, it is hard to know after only emailing someone whether they are really interested in getting to know you. He has shown some interest through his emails, but you have no other feedback to go on. Therefore, you shouldn't assume anything yet.
Your comment about being "old-fashioned" may be true- not bad- just accurate. Women are stepping up more and more as the ones who initiate getting together when they have met someone of interest. If this is just too hard for you, you may not be ready or willing to try. If you are open to it, it can bring some satisfactory results. Or not. It depends on what this guy really wants at this time. Many women are happily married or in relationships that they initiated. If you are game, you can make a gentle suggestion about getting together for coffee or a drink. Using your own best style will make you the most comfortable and come across well to this guy.
When two people should actually meet is a greatly debated topic. I am of the belief that once two people have connected through the Internet and have begun a mutually pleasant discourse, they should not wait too long to meet. Emailing will give you part of a picture and some (virtual) sense of how you feel about another person. However, you need to meet to know if there is physical chemistry, good conversation and positive energy. You could go on like you are for a very long time- some people do- with no progress.
If someone IS truly interested, they will want to meet. If they are not, or are hiding something or being less than truthful, they will attempt to avoid a face-to-face meeting. In the meantime, you will be wasting time and energy that could be spent meeting someone who wants what you want and is truly available.
I recommend you raise the issue of meeting the next time you hear from him. If he agrees, move to the next step. If he has many reasons over a period of weeks or a month that he cannot, cut your losses and move on.
END NOTES
Now is a great time to be meeting and dating new people. Hopefully this issue will help you in your goal of maximizing your chances of finding the right person for you. There are millions of singles posting and answering personal ads. Make yours stand out and become a successful Internet dater.
If you are struggling with your dating life, consider coaching. I can help you set and achieve your relationship goals. I offer individual, group and couples dating/relationship coaching and help. Don't wait. Fall in love this summer.
Check out my eclasses on becoming relationship ready, designing your relationship plan, successful meeting and dating, and how to become a great communicator. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
RESOURCES
YES, YOU DO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE but what is it? Your Soul Purpose is a special gift that is yours alone to give. Discover it in our special meditation CD that includes two powerful guided visualization. "One of the most powerful meditations I've ever done", says Rena Majeed. "It's like magic but better," says Tejae Hall. (http://www.howmuchjoy.com/soulpurpose.html) This is just one of the many tools at Suzanne Falter-Barns useful site for dreamers who need a nudge. Sign up for her free ezine, The Joy Letter, and get a shot of inspiration every other week. (http://www.howmuchjoy.com/joyletter.html)
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2004 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com