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The Art Of Intimacy
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July 2004
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WELCOME
Now that it's officially summertime, I hope this newsletter finds you kicking back and soaking up some of that sun and fun.
This is such a good time for relaxing and letting your mind wander as it will, turning over thoughts and ideas as it goes. It's also a great time for reading those books you haven't had time for and exploring new interests and pastimes. Happy summer!
I have received so many letters from single women who talk with frustration (and anger) about their experiences with men and dating and men's attitudes in general. I probably receive an equal amount from men asking, "what is it women really want?"
After doing some thinking on the subject, I decided that it was time to write about changing gender roles and how they have impacted how men and women relate to each other--especially in the world of meeting and dating.
This month's article focuses on the emergence of the metrosexual male and how women feel about him. This new guy is a good example of how men (and women) are evolving and how this has led to changing roles, attitudes and expectations. Unfortunately, it has also led to confusion and for some, a desire to go back to the days of "real men".
If you are struggling with your meeting and dating life, now is a great time to seek help. Use some of your summer "down time" to gain the tools and knowledge you need to meet and connect with the kind of person you seek. If you start now, you may have a new love to share those winter holidays with.
I offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm I also offer individual coaching, couples coaching, groups and relationship help sessions from one session up, depending on your needs. You can check these out at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm
Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help and advice.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
I think men who have pierced an ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
FEATURED ARTICLE: The Metrosexual Man vs. The Cowboy- What DO Women Want?
He always looks perfectly put together. He can be in a t-shirt and jeans or heading out to a black-tie event. His hair never has a bad day. His nails are clean and buffed. His clothes are perfectly pressed and exquisitely coordinated. He smells like flowers and spice. Is he gay? No, he's the new metrosexual man.
As many of you know by now, the term "metrosexual" was coined by a journalist (and gay man) named Mark Simpson, to describe a new kind of urban male who is straight, but in touch with his feminine side and not afraid to show it. Essentially, metrosexuals are guys who take on behaviors and show an interest in things that have traditionally belonged in the female domain.
You may have a metrosexual brother, male friend or boyfriend (ex). These are the guys you can shop till you drop with. They can discuss fashion, will notice your great new shoes, buy their grooming products from the same places you do and have no qualms about having a manicure, pedicure or facial. You can actually TALK to these guys about something other than sports, cars and other traditionally male interests. These are the guys you can take to the opera, symphony and ballet. The perfect man, right? Depends on whom you talk to.
Let's step back a minute and look at the where and how of the existence of the metrosexual man. Simply put, he is a by-product of feminism and the changing roles and related expectations of women. As women have moved into (previously) male dominated environments and roles, it has caused a shift in the male-female balance. Women are now active participants in industry, politics and the professions- to name a few. However, as they have left their old jobs as homemakers and full-time domestic caregivers, they left a lot of empty space to be filled. Childcare providers and the domestic cleaning industry could provide some of this. The problem was all the "other" stuff women had always done.
Men were therefore called upon to contribute more to the raising of children, housework, cooking, shopping, etc. Their sons were being exposed a new role model, a dad who took on jobs and chores that had traditionally belonged to mom. Young boys themselves were also being tapped to do housework and help with siblings, exposing them to a new way of being a male in our society. Women had become more independent and financially and professionally successful. Men had become more domestic and had to soften their style as they moved into more traditionally feminine roles.
A new social order had evolved that worked for everyone, right? Not necessarily. We never take on something new without giving something up. So, what has been discarded? Clearly defined social roles and the expectations that come with them- for starters. Suddenly there was a new blueprint for how men and women should relate- especially in the world of dating. However, it was unclear and depending upon whom you asked, you would get a different answer. Usher in the confusion and frustration surrounding dating in the new millennium.
Women ask questions such as:
Women comment on:
Men ask questions such as:
Men comment on:
Both women and men verbalize that they are okay with the current roles that have evolved for them in our society, yet I hear both talk wistfully about how it was in previous generations. Back then; everyone KNEW what was expected from him or her. Life was predictable. Dating was much simpler and "safer". Men were men and women were raised to be wives and homemakers.
We have gained something and we have lost something. One thing for sure, we can never have it both ways.
What's the answer? It is never simple. However, it does involve better communication in general between men and women. Singles need to clarify for themselves (first), what kind of partner they seek and what their expectations from a relationship really are. Once a person is clear about what they must have and what they can't live with, they need to go out and HONESTLY seek that. Knowing what you want is good. If you turn off someone by your frankness, he/she was not the someone for you.
So, begin with a self-assessment. Then go out and pursue interests and environments, which maximize your chances of meeting compatible singles. And remember, there is no perfect person. He may be overly fussy with his hair, take longer in the bathroom than most women, be less ambitious in his work life than you are and put your cooking to shame. However, if he's sensitive to YOUR needs, easy to talk to and fun to be with, great with kids and very supportive of your goals, he may be the guy of your dreams.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I'm a 30's something single female. I don't know if it's me or if it's the guys I meet. I am attractive but don't date much. When I do, it's often a disappointment as the guy is someone I'm just not interested in or vice versa. Often the dating itself is the problem. I expect men to take the lead and call me for a date. I think they should pick me up and should pay, both because they are the males and because they asked me out. I also have an issue with guys who call at the last minute or expect me to plan the date. I find I encounter a lot of "metrosexual" kind of men--you know, too perfectly put together and way in touch with their feminine side. I grew up out west with real cowboys. They were rough and a little crazy, but I always felt very feminine and special when I was with them. Often I find myself thinking, "Where are all the real men?" Is it me; was I born too late?
A. No, it's not YOU. I have heard a lot of women (very softly) verbalize the feelings you have expressed. You are honest with yourself. You have an attraction to a certain kind of guy. There is nothing wrong with this. It is a problem when he is not the kind of guy you meet socially.
It sounds as though you are looking for a more old-fashioned guy with a more conservative view of male/female roles. However, it sounds like the men you date are more in tune with a new culture. You should ask yourself where you could meet the kind of guy you seek? Perhaps an urban environment will have few cowboy types in general.
It is a plus that you know what you want and can say this out loud. I have talked to many women who are not comfortable with the changing roles of men and women, but who try to fit in with the culture, even if they are going against what they believe is right for them. These women are often very dissatisfied with their dating and relationship lives and can become jaded about relationships in general.
So, get a plan together. Make a decision not to date someone who is not your type and who will leave you feeling even less sure about your ability to meet and marry a guy who is right for you. Follow your heart and stay true to your feelings. That and a good relationship building plan will very likely result in happy love for you.
END NOTES
As you kick around your thoughts on one of the lazy summer days that lie ahead, try to spend a little time reflecting on what it is you are truly looking for in a mate. One size does not fit all. There are all kinds of singles out there, many whom share your vision of what a good and happy relationship looks like. Once you know the kind of person you need to compliment you, go out and actively pursue your relationship goals. What better time than summer to try new adventures while getting in your much needed rest and relaxation.
If you would like more help and advice on this or any other relationship issue, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Don't let this season slip into fall without taking advantage of all the fun ways that are now available all around you to meet compatible singles.
RESOURCES
YES, YOU DO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE but what is it? Your Soul Purpose is a special gift that is yours alone to give. Discover it in our special meditation CD that includes two powerful-guided visualization. "One of the most powerful meditations I've ever done", says Rena Majeed. "It's like magic but better," says Tejae Hall. (http://www.howmuchjoy.com/soulpurpose.html) This is just one of the many tools at Suzanne Falter-Barns useful site for dreamers who need a nudge. Sign up for her free ezine, The Joy Letter, and get a shot of inspiration every other week. (http://www.howmuchjoy.com/joyletter.html)
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2004 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com