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The Art Of Intimacy
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August 2004
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WELCOME
As we move into late summer, I hope all of you have found time for rest, relaxation and fulfilling social pursuits. This "down time" we are now in allows us to take a breather, kick back and just enjoy some of the small (overlooked) pleasures that happen by. We are also given the chance to get caught up on projects and obligations, which then clears the way for the setting of new goals.
Do you have a burning desire that you have yet to give any serious thought or action to pursuing? Now is a good time to begin this. Spend some energy dreaming, thinking, visualizing and conceptualizing. Then decide what steps you need to take in order to move in the right direction (towards achievement).
Everything begins with you as an individual. Therefore, living a full and rewarding single life is the first step toward any other goals you may have in mind. This month's article talks about the loneliness that is experienced by single people who dwell in urban and urban like settings. Understanding the impact that this kind of isolation can have on your ability to build healthy, intimate relationships is a first step toward addressing your need for a strong, readily available support system. You are not alone, if fact this is an epidemic in many cities. If loneliness is something you suffer from, read on for ideas about how to begin meeting your needs through the creation of a strong network of friends and acquaintances.
If you need focused help with your relationship goals, I offer eclasses that provide help with relationship readiness, meeting, and dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm I also offer individual coaching, couples coaching, groups and relationship help sessions from one session up, depending on your needs. You can check these out at: http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm
If you haven't clicked on our surveys, consider doing so. We are always looking for your input and feedback in order to provide what you need most. These can be found at: http://consum-mate.com/survey/htm. If you have a pressing relationship question, you can go to: http://consum-mate.com/ask.htm and Ask The Coach.
Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building advice.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.
FEATURED ARTICLE: Loneliness and the Single, Urban Dweller
It's Friday night. You arrive home late and exhausted from another week of demanding, stressful work and long hours that have left you no time for even thinking about the week-end, let alone planning for it. So, here you are, tired, alone and already anticipating the boredom, isolation and catch-up errands and housework that are to come. Sound familiar?
Unlike generations past, singles today are delaying marriage while pursuing advanced education and demanding careers, often in places far away from where they grew up. The 2002 census data tells us that the median age for first marriage has risen to 25.3 for women and 26.9 for men. This marriage delay has led to a long period of single years in which individuals who have often relocated for school and/or work must find new ways to meet their needs for familial intimacy and sharing.
This new lifestyle has been on the rise for over twenty years, as societal norms have shifted due to divorce, the new sexuality and a desire on the part of singles to marry after they have reached an age in which they know who they are and what they want out of life. Older singles, (late 30's to early 50's) were the pioneers in this new way of life. The role models available to them were primarily limited to early marriage after high school, some college or upon completion of a college degree. Marriage was the (expected) next step and the route that marriage-minded people felt they had to choose.
For those who didn't marry early, the single life has not lived up to its promises. Yes, they have been successful in their careers and many singles own their own homes and have reached a certain level of financial stability and freedom, but the lifestyle issues can be huge. They believed the right person would happen along after they had met their educational and professional goals. Instead, many singles in this age group report that they struggle with a loneliness that has resulted from an imbalance in their lives. Time passed, friends married and moved away and their families of origin were no longer able to function as they once had due to aging or deceased parents. They often refer to themselves as workaholics who attempt to meet needs primarily through success in their careers, while neglecting their social and personal lives.
Younger singles- twenties to mid-thirties express similar issues, yet there are differences that are significant and worth taking a look at. These younger singles had somewhat different role models. Education and career were placed at the top of their lists from childhood. Many had working mothers, who raised their daughters (as well as their sons) to focus on becoming strong, independent adults who could "have it all" if they followed these rules for success. Putting off marriage was encouraged as a way to help them achieve their own personal goals first. Therefore, these singles embrace the belief that you shouldn't marry until you know yourself first and have learned to meet your own needs.
How has this difference impacted the quality of the lives of these two groups of singles? Younger singles began their independent lives with the expectation of more single years ahead and an attitude that they must build a complete life for themselves and not DELAY (amongst other things), building strong peer support systems. This gave rise to the close-knit, family like groups that are now often referred to as Urban Tribes. A writer named Ethan Watters first used this term in 2001 in a magazine article he wrote about the "tribe" that he had belonged to for a number of years, and how it had nurtured and sustained its members with friendship, emotional support, financial help and family-like bonds.
These tribes were often started with a core group who went to school together, worked in their first jobs together and/or lived together in order to share expenses. As time went on, the bonds deepened and many "tribers" report that they have many of the advantages of family without the responsibility and commitment of marriage. Many have marriage as their goal but are living "full and satisfying" lives until that time.
How can the tribal experience benefit older singles who have found that many of their old friends have moved away or married? They can begin (wherever they are in their lives) to create communities that can meet their current needs and lifestyles. This of course, will be more challenging at this stage of life. So, where should they begin? The following is a rough list of ideas:
Every metropolitan area offers a wide range of groups for singles. These are hosted by for profit companies as well as singles groups/clubs that are affiliated with religious and other private organizations. You can find them on the Internet by typing in key words such as "singles activities" along with you specific region of residence. Then you can go through the listings, looking for activities and pursuits that you feel would attract singles with whom you would have things in common. A great resource for all singles looking to meet new people is http://www.craigslist.org/. There you can search for friends (as well as many other categories) who are located in your neighboring region.
In order for a community like this to take hold, members must be willing to set limits on their work lives and make themselves available for "family style" dinners, nights out, shared leisure time and structured outings and/or vacations, and support as needed to individuals within the group. Just as everyone within a family has their defined role, so will these emerge in tribes. Some will be the organizers or leaders, others will handle the details, while the rest will contribute as needed and as their strengths and interests allow. Over time, friendships and bonds will grow. Individual members will be provided with the support, caring and security they need in order to live a happy single life, which is the foundation on which all healthy intimate relationships are built.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I am a thirty something, professional, single female who lives in an urban area. I originally moved here with a friend from college. We were both excited to move to a region that offered so much in the way of jobs and that has a large population of singles. However, we both got caught up in the culture of overwork, which is the norm here. Years have passed, and I feel disappointed that the things I thought would happen in my life have not. Both of us have had difficulty meeting people for friendship or to date, due to long work hours and just not knowing where to go. My friend is now engaged to marry someone she met through work. While I am happy for her, I am also terrified. My family lives far away and I have only a few acquaintances in the area. I feel so alone. Am I? Are there others like me? What should I do?
A. There are many singles out there struggling with this issue of "aloneness". Basically, you have put your focus on your work and on one friendship to meet all your needs. As a result, you have no real support system left to you at this time. While your friend will remain a friend, her lifestyle and priorities will surely change. You need to find new available, single FRIENDS.
Begin by looking at your time now and how you prioritize it. Learn to set limits on work hours and carve out blocks of time that you can fill with new personal pursuits. Once you have that done, you must make a commitment to yourself that you will maintain the necessary limits and follow through on any new (personal) goals that you set.
Then, begin identifying resources for singles that are available in your area. Look at social groups, church groups, volunteer opportunities, organized sports and vacations or weekends just for singles. The Internet is a great source of information. Just type in the related keywords and the geographical area in which you live. Once you have identified some activities that interest you, make some calls. Find out about specific events and schedule them in. Try to be open to some new things as well. It sounds like you could really benefit from a new hobby or pursuit that would give you a sense of fulfillment and purpose. So, try on a few.
Then reach out to others. Introduce yourself, suggest coffee, dinner, a movie or a related event, organized and attended by you and any new people you meet. I think you will find quite a number of other singles who would be very open to starting a friendship- and a new group of friends. You are not alone. But you will remain so until you make the commitment and take the action steps that will provide you with the support group you desire.
END NOTES
I hope this newsletter was helpful to you. Whether you are a younger or an older single adult, it is never too late to make new friends and find new passions. In doing so you will not only be opening yourself up to a happier and more fulfilling single life; you will also be growing into the most attractive and healthiest person you can be, which in turn is very attractive to others.
If you need some extra help and guidance with meeting new people and/or finding compatible people to date, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Coaching can help you to get those desired results! Also, check out our articles on successful meeting, dating and relating. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm
RESOURCES
YES, YOU DO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE but what is it? Your Soul Purpose is a special gift that is yours alone to give. Discover it in our special meditation CD that includes two powerful-guided visualization. "One of the most powerful meditations I've ever done", says Rena Majeed. "It's like magic but better," says Tejae Hall. http://www.howmuchjoy.com/soulpurpose.html This is just one of the many tools at Suzanne Falter-Barns useful site for dreamers who need a nudge. Sign up for her free ezine, The Joy Letter, and get a shot of inspiration every other week. http://www.howmuchjoy.com/joyletter.html
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2004 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com