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The Art Of Intimacy
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September 2003
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WELCOME
Labor Day.
When you hear these words spoken, what images and feelings come to mind? What about that thought that it's time to get back to work? How about, summer is over and now life gets serious again?
After all, don't the seasons have a rhythm to them that goes back to childhood? It's "back-to-school" time. Time to put away the summer toys, get out of the summer schedule, and file away those summer memories for the colder and darker days ahead.
But don't forget that this time is also one of excitement as we look forward to the beautiful fall season and the holidays that follow. What a great time to get organized (remember all that back-to-school planning), and ready for the busy schedule that lies ahead.
As you get back into fall mode, remember to set aside time for building or enhancing your relationships. After all, what is life without the sharing and intimate connecting that they offer? If you need help with becoming relationship ready or if your difficulty is in meeting appropriate people to date, check out the e-classes at http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm that are designed to help you master these important relationship stepping stones.
Thanks again to all of you who have subscribed to The Art Of Intimacy. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance. Because of you, this newsletter goes out to thousands of singles in search of lasting relationships.
If you have not yet done so, but would like to; please fill out the survey at: http://www.consum-mate.com/survey.htm. This is a first phase of information gathering. Once we know what you believe you need to know in order to successfully meet, date and mate the right person for you; we will work to get your questions answered by the very people you seek to meet. Imagine KNOWING where the kind of man/woman you want to meet actually goes to meet other singles. Imagine hearing from compatible singles themselves, what they most seek in potential partners. The more responses we receive, the more useful this information will be. So, consider taking a few minutes of your time to give us your most important questions.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Make your choices; take the consequences.
Bill Waterson
FEATURED ARTICLE: Hooking Up vs. Lasting Love: It's Your Choice
"hooking up"
"friends with benefits"
"booty call"
These terms have become all too familiar in today's dating world. Are they words that you can relate to? Have you lived them in some way? If so, how have you felt about the experience(s) both during and after? Chances are that you have mixed feelings at best. Depending on your age and sex, you may give a somewhat different response to this question. Whatever your answer, a close look at this "dating experience" that impacts so many singles in so many ways may be useful to you as you think about what your long-term relationship goals are and what you REALLY want from a relationship.
So what exactly do these terms mean?
"Hooking up" is getting together for sex. There is generally no formal "date" involved.
"Friends with benefits" usually refers to two people who are "friends" who also have sex together. Again, there's a distinction between what they share and "dating."
"Booty call" usually describes the act of a man (woman) calling up another person to come over for sex. The sex doesn't follow dinner, a movie or other "quality" time together, getting to really know each other. It's physical.
Do you define this activity (even loosely) as dating? Has this become a new intimacy for some or many of you? If so, it's important to look at how/if it meets your needs and if it aligns with your basic values and relationship wants and goals.
Begin by asking yourself some core questions, such as:
If your answers reflect discordance between how you feel and what you do, it would be helpful to understand the reasons behind your behavior. Do any of these sound familiar?
In addition to these explanations, some singles express a belief that "everyone does it" or "it's expected." Therefore, they often report engaging in it, but not feeling really ok or satisfied afterwards. Others use it as a substitute for real intimacy, referencing their difficulties in meeting and dating in general.
Then there are the people who have sex hoping it will lead to love. This too is a desire for intimacy that can lead to sadness and disappointment and the possibility of contacting a dangerous and life-altering infection. It reminds me of the line in a song, "if I can love you good enough on the outside to make you feel it on the inside, then maybe you will stay..."
If you recognize yourself in any of these statements and want to address your issue, begin with an inventory of your values and self-awareness. Read the articles: "Defining Intimacy," "Clarifying And Living Your Values," and "How's Your Self-awareness." You can find these at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm
If you would find feedback that deals specifically with these issues helpful; take the "What's Your Intimacy IQ" and "Are You Relationship Ready" quizzes. These can be found at: http://www.consum-mate.com/quiz.htm
Once you have determined what you really want from a relationship you can begin to make clear, thought out choices that will open the path that points in the direction you wish to go. Until you do so, you face the possibility of more disappointing and short-lived encounters that leave you feeling more alone and less hopeful about the possibility for lasting happy love.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I am an attractive, early thirties, professional female. For whatever reason I find it difficult to meet men that I feel compatible with and who share my goals. I have had a lot of brief relationships-one date to two or three months of dating. Sex generally comes up early as an issue and I've never felt really comfortable in how I handle it. My question relates to what would happen if I held off and didn't let myself feel pressured into it. Whenever I set some limits, I fear the guy will think I'm not interested or that he will loose interest in me. It seems that it is just expected that sex will be part of the relationship, almost from the start. How do men really feel about this issue? Do they just expect this, and if so, how does anyone get past this and still build a healthy and lasting relationship with someone?
A. You have actually asked a few questions here. I think in summing them up, I'd say that you are asking if not having sex will end the possibility of having a relationship develop into something more.
The answer is, it depends on the guy. We all are aware that there are very basic differences between men and women. However, when it comes to what we want in our life goals, we are not as far apart as it may appear. Men want to be loved. They need intimacy and friendship as much as women do. What they emphasize may be different from you, but their longer-term desires are similar.
When you meet a man who is truly a good match for you, there will be an attraction at many levels. But it takes time to get to know each other and to build a friendship and love connection. Nothing can hurt this process as much as one of the people not doing what is right for them or denying their needs.
The right guy will be someone you can have a frank discussion with. If indeed there is the right mix of chemistry and shared goals/values, this should not present an impasse that leads to him disappearing from your life. If he does, he didn't want what you want and you found out early. While this rejection is painful, imagine if you invested months or years only to learn that he stayed for the "wrong" reasons.
So, decide what you want and are comfortable and go with your head as well as your heart. This is a winning combination.
Q. I'm an attractive, late 20 something male. I have a question that relates to what women expect from men (sexually) in the early stages of dating. I don't believe in rushing things-for a lot of reasons. However, I get the sense that women feel there is something wrong with me if I don't make a move early on. Is sex just something that is expected? I would rather spend time with the person and get to know her and find out if there is something good between us that could develop into something more. Don't get me wrong; the sexual feelings are all there. However, I respect women and like to treat them that way. I also don't want to get involved with someone that isn't right for me.
A. You come across as mature and pretty clear about what your relationship goals are. There is nothing wrong with that. The answer to your question is no, women don't expect sex right away. In fact many women express disappointment when this is heavily emphasized and other important aspects of relating are left out or get lost.
My advice is to go with your feelings. When you go out with a woman, focus on getting to know her. If you enjoy her company, tell her that.
There are many ways to express attraction and positive feelings. Try holding her hand or putting your arm around her. If she is not comfortable with this, you will know it. If a kiss at the end of the date feels right, go for it. Again, her reaction will communicate what you need to know. Be upfront but not aggressive. If she's the right one for you, nature will take its course.
END NOTES
This issue was designed to assist you in taking a look at your dating behavior and if it is really meeting your needs and taking you in the relationship direction that you desire. Remember to focus on what you need and want and to choose to date the kind of people who want the same things.
If you would like more feedback and guidance in changing your dating behavior or patterns, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Check out the e-classes that could help you design the right relationship or help you to meet and date the kind of person you are seeking. These can be found at http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
RESOURCES
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com