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The Art Of Intimacy
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May 2003
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WELCOME
Now that spring is well under way, we hope that you have been actively pursuing your relationships goals. After you have designed your relationship building plan and identified some good places to meet other singles (see eclasses), it is time to sharpen and practice your attraction skills.
This month's featured article talks about how to effectively use these skills (also called flirting), when trying to make those first connections with that attractive stranger. Whether you are a novice or a savvy flirt, remember that making the first move can really pay off, especially if you have learned how to project your true, best self. This article will help you to do just that.
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QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
FEATURED ARTICLE: Making The Connection: Tips For Getting Noticed
Chances are that you have had a wide variety of experiences in your quest for meeting singles. These can range from an event that yields several nice interactions and at least one offer to get together for a date, to going home feeling frustrated and convinced you are destined to be a dating failure.
If you had made a note of your mood, your general attitude, your level of comfort, (and other related factors) after each experience, you would have some very useful information. For the attributes you carry along with you to these social gatherings will have a great impact on the outcome of each.
The following are tips for helping you to present the best you to others. As you read each, do a quick inventory of how you rate in that area. It's always helpful to ask friends to weigh in with their observations. The more information, the better.
1. Present yourself as confident and in possession of a healthy self-esteem.
In general, people are attracted to those who appear confident and who feel good about themselves. Certainly, this is a turn-on for you as well. If you feel desirable and sexy, it makes sense that others will too.
If low self-esteem is a problem for you, this should be the first area you work on in yourself. It is not necessary to have over the top confidence, just a sense that you are someone that has a lot of positives to offer others.
Do some reading, take a class that teaches assertiveness and/or practice daily affirmations. Remember also that when you treat yourself with respect and adhere to healthy boundaries with others, you will foster a healthy sense of self.
2.Be Yourself
NEVER try to be someone you are not. Not only do you come across as insincere, you also will present as uncomfortable and make others feel this way right along with you.
Trying to be cool, aggressive, (etc.), generally just makes you awkward and unapproachable. Relax, be natural, be the you that your friends and others who know and like you, see and appreciate.
Think back to the times you have witnessed someone "acting" in a social situation, and the general reaction of those around them. Then think about the people you know who are good at meeting others. These are the people who present their true (best) side.
3. Smile and Show Enthusiasm
Certainly you have encountered strangers who were sullen and appeared negative and unapproachable. A smile can change all that.
Have an open and inviting expression. Make good eye contact. People are DRAWN to others like this. Let that attractive stranger know you are open to meeting them and happy to be there. If they have an interest back, this will pave the way for a first interaction.
If you don't feel like smiling it may be a good idea to sit this one out at home with a movie or a good book or a low-key get together with a good friend.
4. Present Your Best Appearance
Always make your best effort in your grooming and choice of clothing. Attractive is just that. It's not about having beautiful features or a fantastic body. It's all about presenting what you have in the best light possible.
This also includes presenting an attractive personality. Be friendly, not pushy. Be open, not indiscreet. Have opinions, don't be a know-it-all. Always remember to consider others' feelings and needs. These interactions are not just about you.
5. Have Some Good Openings Lines Available
Hint: Natural conversation is best.
Some possible ones to consider:
Of course, the direct approach is ok too.
Remember that there are no rules anymore about who goes first. If you see someone who interests you, go for it. Just remember that they may not return your feelings. Then you move away gracefully, look around for someone else that attracts you, and make an overture towards them.
Also remember that rejection is part of the process. If you let the fear keep you from taking that first step, you will greatly lessen your chances of meeting and connecting with compatible singles.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. As a female, I was basically socialized to wait for the guy to make the first move. I feel fairly uncomfortable at even the thought of doing so. I have friends who have no problem doing this, and it even works out well for them sometimes. Do I try to get over this? Can I be successful meeting men if I'm not making some of those first moves?
A. This is a very common question and problem. Along with being socialized to be passive in the meeting process, you may also be shy. If so, this is your personality type. You don't change that, you find ways to optimize it, so it doesn't work against what you want.
Knowing who you are and your own limits of comfort and acceptance are important. Once you have done this, look at ways to reach out (flirt) that you would be comfortable with.
Smiling and making eye contact is a good start. Perhaps you could say hi when walking past a guy you catches your eye. Be aware of your posture and what your non- verbal language is saying to others. Make sure you are communicating interest and that you are easy to approach, when you want to be.
Q. I'm a guy who definitely has trouble approaching women directly. It's that fear of rejection thing. Generally I wait for some signal from them. There have been many times when my friends have told me that a woman seemed real interested, but I missed it and didn't make any move, though I was interested too. How do I know if she wants me to approach her?
A. You don't, not for sure. You will need to practice getting somewhat comfortable with rejection. Dating is in part, a numbers game. Tuning into signals from women is good. Look for a smile or eye contact from them. However, their own fear can keep them from communicating interest to you.
Ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen? Your answer may surprise you. She may rebuff you directly or indirectly. The good news is that you won't waste any more time there. then you move on to someone else who catches your eye.
Make sure you tune in not only to the subtle signals of interest from women, but also to the cues that communicate they are NOT interested.
END NOTES
This issue was designed to help you to become a more confident and skilled flirt. Remember that taking risks and playing the numbers game greatly increase your chances of connecting with that special someone. So go out and practice these to become successful in the meeting and dating (and hopefully) mating game.
If you would like more feedback and guidance to help you to become a more successful flirt, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Check out my eclasses on dating and relationship building. You can also view testimonials of other singles that have taken these classes.
GUEST ARTICLE: What Does She Expect Anyway?
By Gary Caine
Every woman is different, with her own personality, so what I'm writing here is just a generalization. You need to get to know the women you are with, and find out what she wants. If you aren't willing to do that, then ask yourself why are you dating her? If all she is to you is a pretty woman to make you look good, you need to re-think your priorities. I like pretty women too, but if I don't feel that she's my friend, I don't want to go out with her.
She expects you to be her friend.
What does it mean to be a woman's friend? The same as it does to be a man's; you have to have some things in common. Note that I said some not all. No two people are the same, and there will be some things you like, that she doesn't, and some things she likes that you don't. That's OK, as long as you have enough in common that you can enjoy being together. Sometimes you will have to bite the bullet, and do something you don't really enjoy, and other times it's OK to let her do things without you. You should be able to expect the same from her too. If she suggests you go to some event, or whatever without her, believe her when she says it's OK. You don't get upset when one of your male friends doesn't want to do something with you, or has interests you don't share, it should be the same with her. It's good to go out with the boys once in awhile, but you should usually prefer to be with her, or better yet have her join you when you do something, she's your friend remember? If you find that you would rather leave her behind when you are out with your friends, then you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with her at all.
She expects you to communicate with her.
As a rule when men talk to someone about a problem, they are looking for answers; women in general are different. They will talk to you about a problem to express how they feel. They usually aren't looking for answers; they just want to talk about it to straighten things out in their own minds. Unless she asks for advice, don't offer it. Just listen, and keep the conversation going. If she wants advice she will ask for it.
There are some men that still think a woman's opinion doesn't mean anything, I'm sorry, but if you are one of those men, you need to change your attitude now! Women are intelligent and capable, and you need to respect her opinions; you don't need to always agree with them, but she has the right to her opinions the same as you do to yours.
Be willing to ask for her advice, and to talk to her about whatever is happening in your life. Be willing to listen to what she has to say, and to support her when she's having a problem with something. When I say listen, I mean you need to actually pay attention, she's telling you how she feels, and you need to know that if you are going to be her friend!
She expects you to understand her sexuality.
Men appear to be UN-emotional when it comes to sex, and operate on pure lust. That's not true, but we can go from 0 to 100 in 5.2 seconds. It takes longer for a woman. It takes awhile for a woman to get aroused. I'm not talking about foreplay in physical terms, but emotional foreplay. It's little things, like how you look at her when she walks into the room, being willing to hold her hand in public, saying nice things about her to your friends, and just letting her know you appreciate her that will get her in the mood for love. I'm not telling you this to help you seduce your women, but to help you understand why she's not in the mood when you roll over in the morning after a night out in the bar.
She expects romance.
OK, you aren't the romantic type, neither am I. You don't need to write love poems, or send her flowers every day. Little things can make a big difference. Things like actually asking her out on a date, an occasional call from work, complementing her in front of her friends.
Here's a quote from a friend of mine, Debbie Anderson...
"Women do a lot of little things and men tend to do one big thing, but women regard each little thing they do separately and equal, where men seem to think that one big thing covers for all the little things! You see, that's a big secret.... if men could learn to do all the little things they wouldn't need to do the big thing!"
Let her know you love her, and you will be plenty romantic enough, but "do" show her that you love her.
What she really expects is for you to show her that you love and respect her. That shouldn't be too hard should it?
Copyright 1999 Gary Caine
Gary Caine is proprietor of The Singles Cafe.
Put some adventure into your love life.
Visit The Singles Cafe at http://www.singlescafe.net/
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
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