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The Art Of Intimacy
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January 2005
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WELCOME
Happy New Year!
We say these words year after year, but how much thought do we give (really)
to the idea that this can be a new beginning? This is the time for
resolutions- designed to help us achieve the goals that will bring about the
changes we seek in our lives. So we come up with a list and make a few
half-hearted promises to ourselves. Before we know it, little or nothing has
changed, and it's time for another New Year. This month's featured article is
about how to be successful in setting and following through with effective
and realistic resolutions. Be sure to read it and "try on" some (or all) of
the suggestions.
We at Consum-mate would like to offer you some very useful information in this New Year as you seek to fulfill your relationship hopes and dreams. In order for us to accomplish this, we will need help in the form of input from you. Let me explain. How would you like to get focused, accurate answers to your most difficult relationship questions? For example; what if you could know where black males (ages 30-38) in the Washington DC area are most likely to go to meet women? What about knowing how white males (ages 28-35) really feel about marriage? Perhaps you'd like to know what your date really means when they say, "I'll call you." Or maybe you've always wondered what white females (ages 26-33) really feel about dating "nice" guys. These are only four out of hundreds of possible questions that you and other singles may have.
What we are requesting is that you go to our questionnaire page. Then list any and all questions you can think of that would help you in your pursuit of a healthy, happy and lasting relationship. Be specific regarding the information you are seeking. We will then incorporate this information into a format that can be answered by the very people you are trying to meet. We need YOUR HELP to accomplish this! Please provide us with this information today. We promise to give you updates and ANSWERS as they become available.
A button is available on the questionnaire to forward it to a friend. If you have any single friends who may be interested, please send it to them. The more participation we get, the more valuable the feedback will be.
Stay tuned for the new email classes that will become available in mid to late January. These will be designed to cover one relationship issue per class. Check the site for updates and listings.
New (CLRT), Creating Lasting Relationships Training groups are forming. Make a resolution now to give top priority to fulfilling your relationship goals this year. See the CLRT page for a description of the CLRT groups.
A big thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art of Intimacy. The subscription list continues to grow thanks to all of you. A special thank you if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Happiness is not an accident.
Nor is it something you wish for.
Happiness is something you design.
FEATURED ARTICLE:
Ten Tips for Setting (and keeping) Life Changing
Resolutions
It's time for that annual ritual of making (and breaking) our New Year's resolutions. There is something about the idea of being able to start over that motivates us to pause (at least briefly) and reflect on our lives as they are, as well as how we would like them to be. Yet how many times have you thought back to last year's goals and found that many or most of them were abandoned or just forgotten after a few weeks or months into the year?
Many of us have difficulty following through on our resolutions due to factors such as choosing unrealistic goals, not making them challenging enough and/or lacking the necessary motivation to stick with them.
The following tips should help put you on the right course and assist you in staying committed to your most important goals for 2006.
1. Start with a life vision
If you don't know what you want your future to look like, how can you decide
what areas of your life need to be worked on? Spend some quiet time TODAY
reflecting on (and writing down) what is good, bad or incomplete. Then try to
"see" your life if all of these areas were addressed and had become
satisfactory to you.
2. Get organized
Clear away clutter. Go through paperwork, files, old bills and receipts,
closets, drawers and storage containers. Decide what you need and will use
and either throw out or give away all the rest. Put aside some time each week
for this purpose. After you have cleaned out you can think about your
existing systems for management and storage and see if these need reworking
or just some fine-tuning. Keep ONE calendar to record all appointments,
events, etc. Write down everything- don't rely on memory.
3. Expand your horizons and make a commitment to learning something new.
Challenging yourself will infuse you with greater energy and sense of
purpose. It will help build your self-esteem to realize you really are
capable of more than you had previously believed. This new learning can also
give you additional resources to assist you in your career, personal or love
life.
4. Set challenging but realistic resolutions
Choose goals that stretch your ability muscles, yet are realistic and
therefore less vulnerable to failure. Don't respond to that negative inner
voice that says; "oh, I'm not capable of that". Instead, focus on what you
truly desire for your life and relationships and let this be your guide.
5. Write down your resolutions
Write them down and stick them on your bathroom mirror, your fridge, your car
dashboard, your desk or wherever you know will be a good place for you to see
them. You can also show them to a good friend, family member, your coach or
anyone who could provide support and encouragement.
6. Create action steps for each resolution; write them down, and keep an
accounting of your progress for each.
A resolution without planned action is doomed to failure. Break each goal
down into small action steps or objectives. Putting a date for completion
will help ensure you follow through. Come up with an accountability system
that will work for you. Make sure you check off each accomplishment as you go
and be flexible and willing to make adjustments in your action steps in order
to achieve your desired end results.
7. Take care of yourself; eat well. Exercise regularly and learn to control
and eliminate unhealthy stress.
I know this is an obvious one, so why is it often ignored or overlooked when
we are attempting to make important life changes? How many times have you
said, "I don't have the time" to eat right, exercise, sleep adequately, etc?
Not caring for yourself will guarantee failure. So, why not make this your
first and most important resolution for 2006?
8. Work to eliminate bad habits
Including this as a New Year's resolution would put you on the road to good
follow-through. Bad habits will sabotage your efforts and use up your limited
resources of time, energy and focus. For each bad habit you decide to
eliminate, have a good habit in mind to replace it with.
9. Set appropriate and healthy limits in all areas of your life
Knowing your limits and enforcing them with yourself and others is a
prerequisite to a healthy life and relationship. Learn to say "no" and
"enough" and be firm in your resolve that this is a good thing to do.
Otherwise, you will also be undermining your resolution to take care of
yourself.
10. Work to be the kind of person you want to be with
Bringing out the best qualities in yourself will help to ensure that you
attract people of good quality into your life. You wouldn't want to
compromise on the standards you have set for a potential mate. Therefore,
it's important to understand that this also holds true for other people in
search of relationships.
Now begin this year with the resolve to be the person you know you have the potential to be. You'll be pleased with the wonderful changes that await you!
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. Every year I set a number of resolutions- they usually involve losing weight, working out, getting better organized, changing careers and meeting that special someone. I am very energized when I start out, but quickly find that I just can't maintain those promises to myself. What am I doing wrong?
A. Your problem sounds very familiar. Without knowing all the details, it looks like several things may be going on. First, you may have set too many goals, and it may not be possible for you to address these all at the same time. Try prioritizing your goals. Then set a limit of say, three resolutions. Second, your goals may be too broad and unclear. Try breaking them down into smaller action steps with measurable criteria for each. Make sure you write them down. Lastly, make sure you have a clear vision of what you want your life to look like. If not, spend some time reflecting on this.
Q. I seem to always come up with the same rote resolutions each year- you know, the ones everyone sets about weight, eating, organization, etc. I'm not sure I really know how to set resolutions for myself. Is this unusual?
A. No, not at all. This problem is related to not having a clear vision of the life you want. You may also be buying into other people's ideas of what a great life should consist of. If so, you will be halfhearted at best in your resolve, and will quickly abandon any resolutions you have made. You would benefit from spending some time thinking about what you value and desire in your life. Break these images into concrete things- (ie) graduate school, a larger circle of friends, owning your own home, finding the right person for a committed relationship. Now list action steps under each one. Each step should take you a little closer to your goal. Write everything down and keep a record of your progress.
END NOTES This issue was designed to help get you off to a great start in 2003. Think carefully about what you hope to achieve between now and next December. Then make your resolutions, keep track of your progress, and enjoy all the wonderful changes that await you!
If you would like more guidance and support to help you set and keep your New Year's resolutions, contact Toni@consum-mate.com.
Please remember to take time today to fill out our meeting, dating and mating questionnaire!
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com