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The Art Of Intimacy
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February 2003
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WELCOME
Wow, it's hard to believe that we are already in the middle of (a very cold) winter. Now is a good time to reflect on those New Year's Resolutions you made a month ago, and take inventory of your progress- or get a handle on why you abandoned them. This is also the time for "cocooning", for quieter pursuits and quality time indoors with close family and friends. It's a great time to regroup, organize your environment and begin the learning that will lead you to the intimate relationship you seek.
In two short weeks is the much anticipated (and perhaps dreaded) Valentine's Day. Indeed, there are whole web sites devoted to content depicting Valentine's Day as something to endure or ignore. What are your feelings about this day devoted to love? This month's featured article offers help in the form of advice for handling (and making good use of) this ancient and much hyped (Hallmark) day for lovers.
Over the next few weeks, I will be offering new relationship email classes Don't sit and sing the blues for Valentine's Day; give yourself the gift of knowledge. Learn how to find and keep that relationship you are searching for.
New (CLRT), Creating Lasting Relationships Training groups are forming. Invest one hour a week for eight weeks. And make this the LAST Valentine's Day you spend without a partner. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com to begin your relationship journey.
Please take some time to fill out the questionnaire (if you have not already done so) and the new survey we have just added. I want your thoughts and input as to what relationship advice and support you would like to have offered to you by Consum-mate. Please assist me in offering you the best relationship coaching available. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com and tell me your thoughts.
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art of Intimacy. The subscription list continues to grow and grow. Please remember your single friends and forward them a copy as well. A special thanks to those of you who have already done so.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Love then, and even later, was the whole concern of everyone's life. That is always the fate of leisured societies.
FEATURED ARTICLE: GOING SOLO ON VALENTINE'S DAY: ADVICE FOR SINGLES
The stores are decorated in candy hearts, flowers and bears. Every TV or radio commercial reminds you that it's time to remember your sweetheart on this special day for lovers. Your feelings range from sadness, to revulsion to anger. What's a single person to do? The following suggestions are designed to both answer that question and to help you have a good day after all, while working to make it your last solo one.
1. Celebrate the day by planning an activity that is meaningful and enjoyable to you. Choose something that provides you with a special treat. Go to a day spa for "the works", plan an intimate dinner for 3 or 4, go ice-skating or to the movies with a fun friend, or go out to dinner and a movie with a group of other singles. Focus on what you enjoy and make a conscious decision about how to mark the day. Un-Valentines Day parties are very popular and can be a lot of silly fun. You can attend one or throw one of your own.
2. Design a relationship-building plan for 2003.
Let the holiday provide you with the motivation to take risks, try new ideas
and gain the knowledge that will enable you to find and create a lasting,
intimate relationship.
3. Review those resolutions you made, or make some if you haven't yet.
Think about what is really important to you. Remind yourself that
implementing and sticking to these will help ensure that you are really ready
for that special relationship. Being the kind of person you want to be with
is the first step.
Begin with concrete goals. For example: stick with a healthy diet, exercise
three times a week, plan one organizational task per week, etc.
Taking care of yourself and living well, will optimize your chances for
relationship success. Start today.
4. Work to eliminate negative thinking.
When a negative thought comes into your mind, take a moment to think about
what is beneath it. Then, tell yourself that thinking this way is not good
for you. Make a decision to drop the thought and try to think of something
(anything) that is positive. It can be as simple as focusing on what a
beautiful day it is outside, to feeling grateful that you survived the
current wave of lay-offs in your company.
Use this technique for situations as well. Ask yourself how you can view the
situation differently. Try to find one positive angle or outcome that could
result from an otherwise bad situation. For example, you are being laid off
from your job. You have been unhappy for a long time, but could not motivate
yourself to do anything about it. Now, you have the motivation to look for a
new job, or perhaps change careers. Think of all the possibilities that could
open up for you.
Negative thinking is a downward spiral that leads to negative behavior and possibly depression. Consciously choose to challenge these thoughts, and empower yourself with a more positive outlook and approach to life.
Hopefully these tips will assist you in having a better "solo" Valentine's Day than you might have been headed for. Enjoy the day by doing something fun. Then focus on your relationship plan and empower yourself to build the healthy, lasting relationship of your dreams.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I want to do something fun on Valentines Day. I really just want to take my mind off of the whole couples thing and feel ok to be who and where I am right now. My problem is with my friends. I am a female and most of my friends are too. We have talked about getting together and doing something un-Valentine's Day. My concern is that my friends will be very negative in their approach to all this. I find it hard to sit and listen to everyone compl ain about how there are no good guys around to date, etc. I'm not sure if I should do something with the group or alone. What do you think?
A. Sometimes the group (as a group) feeds on itself and makes the negativity worse. Can you (as a group) agree to keep things light and fun? Could you agree to "rules" about no negative comments or feelings being aired? Perhaps you could all go somewhere, maybe to a movie or play, where there is a structure and a focus provided. If not, consider going out with, or getting together with, a few friends from your group. You know, the fun ones who make you laugh, not cry. In the event this is not possible, you will have to decide if a quiet evening in, or a solo activity out, are preferable to being bombarded with negative comments regarding your accessibility to potential dates and future partners.
Q. I would like to pretend that Valentine's Day doesn't exist. After all, it has become just another day of "celebration" that is overly commercialized and puts stress on those in relationships as well as those who feel left out. Does this sound strange? Will ignoring it work for me?
A. It sounds all too familiar. After all, good relationships don't (or shouldn't) require that we do something special under pressure, one day a year. Instead, relationships are about all those days that we do the best we can, which is the best way to demonstrate caring. That being said, it can be hard to ignore the 14 of February. Think about how you would feel during and after, if you took this approach. Also ask yourself if you feel that way because you are single. If so, would the day consist of hurt and/or angry feelings? If so, you may need to be more proactive in your approach. Plan your day, rather than wait for it to just happen. Love yourself by vowing to have a good day, free of negative feelings. Do something special that is very un-Valentines Day. Or, if you choose, do nothing "special" at all. Just take care to focus on the positive while minimizing and containing the negative.
END NOTES
This issue was designed to help singles to have a good, productive (solo) Valentine's Day. Remember that healthy self-love is a cornerstone of all healthy couple relationships. Let the day motivate and inspire you as you begin your own relationship-building plan for 2003.
If you would like advice and guidance to help you handle this Valentine's Day, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. New CLRT classes are being formed. Meet with other singles and acquire the tools and knowledge needed to build your soulmate relationship. Check out http://www.consum-mate.com over the next few weeks. New relationship email classes will be available.
RESOURCES
Find hundreds of great ezines at the Cumuli Ezine Finder! http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com