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The Art Of Intimacy
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December 2003
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WELCOME
Happy Holidays.
This is the expression we hear so often at this time of year. Yet, for many, it seems to be just a greeting or cliché that is heard or expressed with little true feeling or thought behind it. Are you one of these people who go through the holidays as if by rote, doing what "must be" done? Have you lost some or most of the magic this season held for you as a child?
If so, allow yourself to consider the possibility that you could bring back some of the true meaning and excitement that the years seem to have taken away. In order to do so, you need to turn off the "automatic" switch, slow down and immerse yourself in a simpler and more open approach to the season.
Now is the time to think about what is most important to you and to begin living in a way that opens you up to the possibility of attaining your heart's desire. What better time to reflect upon this than the end of the year, with the new one just around the corner? In this issue I will be talking about the importance of living well in order to achieve relationship success. I also want to direct you to two articles that were written to help singles to participate fully and joyfully in this very intimate and family-centered holiday season.
You can find these at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles/article3.htm
and
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02nov.htm#feature
So, read on and begin planning a holiday season that is right for you.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
The Holidays! These words bring an array of feelings with them. No matter how we may dread the stress caused by the rush, the long lists for gifts and all the preparations to be made - when the day (s) arrives, there is still the same desire we had as children, the same need that enfolds our hearts with the desire for intimacy, belonging and love."
FEATURED ARTICLE:Living Well Leads To Relationship Success, Part One
Before you start down the road towards happy, lasting love; it is important to assess your readiness to form and sustain an intimate union. Otherwise, you place yourself at risk for the devastation that comes with any failed relationship.
Of even greater concern is the risk of repeated failures resulting in a pattern of unhappy, unhealthy or brief encounters. For these can bring a decrease in self-esteem, loss of hope for happy love and/or a belief that you are somehow flawed or incapable of finding the right one for you.
Readiness involves a number of factors. Each person must evaluate their own feelings, behavior and dating/relationship experience, to see which ones they need to focus on.
I will be discussing these in this series of articles titled “Living Well Leads To Relationship Success”. This is Part 1.
Hurrying Up Slows You Down
Do any of these behaviors/thoughts sound familiar?
The need to have a relationship NOW can be due to:
Being positive and hopeful about a new person in your life is healthy and natural. It’s when you let that sense of urgency take over that you can venture into a problem pattern.
Healthy relationships take time. They require:
Being OK with who you are does not necessarily mean being happy about your single state. It’s really about being a “happy” person in general. I am defining “happy” in this context as a state of adequate satisfaction with who you are and what you’ve achieved up to the present time.
Ask yourself these basic questions:
Chances are that you answered “yes” to at least a couple of these. If any of them were a“no” or “unsure”; then take the time now to look closely at them and begin to formulate some ideas on how you might address that area (s) to make it a “yes”.
A stable environment for relationship growth includes a positive attitude, true availability and other qualities that are present when an individual’s life is in order.
If a climate of instability is present due to financial, work, family, personal or other problems; true openness and sharing will be hindered if not impossible. These issues create a static that interferes with the ability to communicate, be vulnerable and to know what you want and where you are going.
Therefore, it is important not to rush into a relationship with the hope that it can “fix” these problems. Instead, begin to address them now so that they will not pose a block to the building of true intimacy in a future relationship.
Relationships have stages. Each stage requires a certain level of competency to move through and master. They progress at a rate that depends upon the readiness of the individuals and their ability to move to a deeper level of communication and intimacy. They need time and good care to develop a strong and healthy bond.
If you attempt to rush this process, and ignore the care and nurturing that is required, you risk losing even the chance to know where it could go.
Take your time. Make sure you know yourself and what you want. Make sure your present life and its demands allow for the time and emotional energy relationship building requires. Always make conscious and careful CHOICES about who you choose to date. Look for quality people who have compatible views and goals. Always do what feels right. Never ignore those deeper feelings that tell you to slow down and wait for the right time or person.
Isn’t it worth a little extra time to avoid a cycle of failed relationships and wasted months or years rushing towards something that always eludes you?
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I'm a thirty something female who feels very ready for a real relationship. I've dated quite a bit and had brief relationships, but it just never works out. You name it, I've run into it. Guys who can't commit, relationships that seem to be good- then fizzle, and the usual issues caused by immaturity, money problems, long-distance, etc.
Everyone says to take my time, but I feel I have done that and that time is really slipping away for me. I am anxious and don't want to waste more time, so how do I find THE GUY if I don't work fast?
A. Think SMART, not fast. Begin by examining your past relationships as a whole. Look at what they had in COMMON. This includes:
Once you have given this some thought, make a list of those traits that were most common to the guys you usually date. Chances are, there will be a number of them. It's also a good bet that some of these are (should be) red flags for you. Then make a list of what you believe you must have and can't tolerate in a relationship.
After you have worked through these, come up with a realistic and workable list of desired characteristics. Next, spend some time thinking about how/where you usually meet men. Can you come up with some new, and better places to meet the KIND of guy who is best for you? Ask friends and others for ideas.
From there, you need a relationship building plan. This will include a budget for time, energy and money to devote to your search. Be creative and open to new possibilities.
Lastly, look at yourself. Are your really ready? Are there things you need to deal with?
Check out my articles which touch on all of the above points at:
http://consum-mate.com/articleindex.php
Make your plan and stay the course. This will lead you to the right relationship.
END NOTES
I hope this issue helps you to experience a holiday season filled with feelings of peace and happy intimacy with others. I also hope it helps provide you with new insights and the ability to discover what it is you really want and need from a relationship, and what steps you should take to move towards this.
If you need help in any area of relationship building, email Toni@consum-mate.com. I offer e-classes, individual and group coaching and support and/or special help with any dating or relationship issue.
End this year with a resolve to achieve your relationship goals. Don't let another year pass without taking action towards
this most important desire.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
RESOURCES
Want some great relationship building inspiration? Check out a fabulous (fairly new) site. It's called Contemporary Love. It's an online community where you can share ideas about love and romance in the modern world. It's dedicated to the understanding and promotion of healthy relationships in whatever form they take.
Check out the online diaries of Adverb and Proverb, who began Contemporary Love when they decided to share their experiences of meeting, finding love, marrying and building a new life together. Don't miss this one.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com