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The Art Of Intimacy
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August 2003
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WELCOME
August.
Long, hot days; warm nights; cool forests; burning sand; waves crashing on a beach; mist rising from the mountains in early morning...
These are some of the images that come to mind when we think of this laid-back month of holidays and the memories of childhood summers.
Remember those dreams of your early years? You knew what was important and somehow you would create that life you knew was right for you.
What a great time to indulge your pursuit of happiness. Other singles are out there. Go and participate in something that arouses those feelings and offers an opportunity to meet someone who shares your interests, passions and life's goals.
The featured article this month talks about women and their attraction to "bad Boys". Understanding where this attraction comes from and how it can sabotage your chances for real happiness- are critical steps to take on the road to creating lasting love.
If you need additional help in breaking your pattern of attraction to "bad boys", consider coaching as a possible answer for you.
Eclasses and on-going coaching could help you to end this destructive cycle and find lasing love. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/services.htm for more information.
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art of Intimacy. The subscription list continues to grow. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Be careful whom you choose to love. This decision will impact your future life and happiness in ways you cannot yet imagine.
FEATURED ARTICLE: Women and "Bad Boys": What Is The Attraction?
"Bad Boys".
If you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.
There is just SOMETHING about these guys that draws you in, even as your head tells you to "beware"! So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily that they are more physically attractive or smarter or more successful than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet be harder to resist.
So what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys. This term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these behaviors ring a bell?
Instead of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's instead examine what it is about the women who can't resist them. The following are actual statements from women who have a history of attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.
Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the problem?
Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving. The question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"
The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:
If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected. She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.
If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.
If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true availability of the other person. She wants him to be a full and active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers.
If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.
If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy interaction.
If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.
Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.
Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot live without. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on "clarifying and living your values".
Once you know what is most important to you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I seem to have a pattern of attraction to a certain kind of guy. He's cool, reserved, hard to connect to, emotionally distant, and most of all, intense. I find this type of guy so appealing. He's not "desperate". He keeps me guessing and I'm never bored. Yet, I always end up getting hurt and stuck in a cycle of dead-end relationships.
Am I CHOOSING these guys? If so, how do I change whom I'm attracted to in order to get the kind of relationship I want? Can I be attracted to a nice guy? Can a nice guy be intense and challenging?
A. The answer lies somewhere inside of you.
For instance, you appear to believe that "nice" guys are boring and desperate.
So, yes, in many ways, you are choosing these guys. Your choice has to do with a pattern that was set in motion long ago.
The first step is to understand what need or fantasy these guys fulfill. Ask yourself:
Once you really know your beliefs about relationships, know what you want from one and believe you can create a healthy, lasting one; you will be on your way to better choices of men in the future.
END NOTES
Whether you are a woman or a man; this issue was designed to help you to better understand why some women are attracted to men that cannot meet their needs. If you are one of these women, think about making your work on overcoming this a top priority. Otherwise the pattern will continue and that relationship you dream about will have little chance of becoming a reality.
If you would like more help and guidance on changing a negative relationship pattern, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. Also check out the eclasses that can help you to create the right relationship for you.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com