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The Art Of Intimacy
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April 2003
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WELCOME
Well, spring has finally arrived. Yet, nature is taking her time in waking and shedding the brown colors and frosts of the winter. Are you also struggling to awaken those feelings of new beginnings that will help lead you to the changes you seek in your life?
In last month's newsletter we talked about the importance of opening up to the joy that can be found all around us- if we only open our senses (and our hearts) to it. This month I will begin a series of articles that deal with practical dating issues/problems/concerns. After all, once we are ready for committed love, this is where relationship building begins, doesn't it?
This month's featured article is a response to your many requests for help in understanding what he/she meant by their behavior in the course of your date or dating life. Essentially, I am going to show you how to (more correctly) interpret your date's non-verbal communication, which speaks volumes, if you can hear it correctly.
So, shake off those winter blahs and make your relationship plan. Spring is upon us!
A new eclass has become available at http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm. If you need help in finding and building a compatible relationship, this is the class for you. A second eclass that focuses on successful dating will become available soon.
Thanks again to all of you who have filled out the survey and questionnaire on the site. I have heavily relied upon your input as I choose topics for eclasses and for my articles. For those of you who have not filled these out yet, but would like to do so, go to http://www.consum-mate.com/site-survey.htm.
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art of Intimacy. The subscription list continues to grow, thanks to all of you. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a single friend or acquaintance.
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QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"Tune your senses to the silent language of relationships. It is expressed through the glance of an eye, the touch of a hand, the relaxing of a spine, the gentle tone of a voice, or in the deafening absence of all of these."
FEATURED ARTICLE:
Tips For Becoming Fluent In The Non-Verbal Language Of Dating
We are all too familiar with the term "body language". There have been books, workshops and endless discussions spawned by it. But do you really KNOW how to interpret the non-verbal messages that other people broadcast on a continual basis in their interactions with you? There are two levels of communication that occur in any interaction:
Content refers to what we SAY. Process refers to EVERYTHING ELSE that occurs.
Interactions can be wrought with mixed signals- saying one thing and non-verbally communicating another.
No wonder so many singles report confusion regarding what their date was really thinking or feeling. On the surface, understanding this language can seem very difficult, if not impossible. Not so, if you learn to speak the non-verbal language of process.
The following tips will be presented using examples of naturally (and commonly) reported dating scenarios experienced by singles.
1. Good eye contact/ poor eye contact
When you are sitting and talking with your date, do you notice how they look at you, when you or they are speaking?
When their eye contact is good, this is a sign that they feel comfortable and interested in you. They are really involved in the interaction and want to be there. It also communicates honesty and sincerity.
Conversely, when your date has difficulty making eye contact, this communicates discomfort; lack of interest or it could be extreme shyness. The last would be easy to know if they are a shy person in general.
2. Restlessness
Have you ever experienced the restless date? You know the one. He moves around in his chair, she looks at her watch, and his mind seems somewhere else. He may or may not offer an explanation.
What appears to be going on is that her mind IS somewhere else.
This behavior communicates a lack of interest or a preoccupation with someone or somewhere else.
3. Looking around at others a lot and not at you
Have you ever had the unpleasant experience of being out with someone who watches the crowd the whole time? Perhaps, they just glance furtively (and frequently) around the room?
This, of course, signals lack of interest, possible discomfort and a desire to avoid interaction with you.
It can also be a general sign of someone who is not trustworthy, or at the very least, hasn't been completely honest/ candid with you.
4. Is noticeably quiet
Oh, how deafening is silence. It can speak volumes.
If your date has little to say to you what does this mean?
Maybe they are just not very interested in you.
Perhaps they don't think you would care to hear what they have to say.
Maybe they think you wouldn't appreciate hearing what they are really thinking.
Perhaps they are in an off or sour mood.
Only you can interpret this. Be careful not to quickly write it off to something you want it to be, as opposed to what it really is.
5. Stiffening or closed-in body posture
You know what YOU do in uncomfortable situations.
You fold your arms tightly across your chest.
You stiffen your spine.
You tightly cross your legs.
You turn your body at an angle away from the person you are facing.
You lean away from the person you are with.
Of course, the reverse is true when the interaction feels good.
You lean forward.
Your arms are relaxed or laying open to the person.
You face the other person directly.
Your posture is relaxed and at ease.
It's fairly easy to interpret the closed-in posture.
The other person feels uncomfortable.
They aren't open to the interaction with you.
They would rather not be there.
If this is a first date, it will probably be the last.
6. Physical Contact Perhaps the easiest communication to read correctly is that of touch. If your date avoids taking your hand or putting his arm around you he may be uncomfortable or unsure. He may also be shy, but you would already know that.
If someone you have been dating for a while begins to exhibit changes in their level of eye contact, body posture, attention to you, availability and/or becomes restless or less communicative, pay attention. Their feelings have shifted. Be careful not to be too quick to explain it away. More than one occurrence should set off your silent alarm. Make sure that what they say matches what they don't say.
Other (non-verbal) expressions that you should listen to that can suddenly occur during the course of a dating relationship are:
If your date or boyfriend/girlfriend sends you any of the above (negative) signals, the best way to handle it is to comment in a direct (and gentle) way about it. Then watch for what he/she DOES while you listen to their response. This will give you all the information you need.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I have been dating someone for several months. We connected very quickly and have had a good time together. It had felt very good between us, until recently. He suddenly began calling less and telling me he is very busy and won't be that available. He is also less cheerful and pays less attention to me when we are together. We used to talk about things in the future, but he has stopped doing this.
I asked him about his change in behavior and he said he's very pre-occupied with work and has a lot on his mind in general and just can't focus on our relationship right now. Nothing happened between us that I am aware of, and I want to believe him. What should I think?
A. I get the sense that you don't believe his explanation. He is telling you all the reasons why things seem different while he reassures you that they really are not; but on another level, he is sending out a completely different message. This is the classic "mixed message". The next time you are together and are discussing the state of your relationship, try this. As he speaks to you, tune out (block) as best you can what he is saying. Watch his non-verbal expressions. "Listen" hard to what messages he is sending out. If he continues to act in a different and less intimate way with you, this is most likely how he is truly feeling about the relationship and its future.
Q. I have had a number of first (and only) dates that seem to go well, but then go nowhere. We are able to talk comfortably and at the end of the date; I will either ask if they plan to call me again, or they offer that they will. Then nothing. Am I missing something?
A. This is a commonly reported scenario. It's probable that a couple of things are going on.
If you can learn to speak the non-verbal language of relating, you can avoid the second one altogether. As the date progresses, assess how it is really going. Then, at the end YOU can make a statement about how it went "this seemed to be fun for both of us, I'd like to see you again, how do you feel?" If you are upfront and comfortable discussing the situation honestly, this will open the door for your date to be candid and HONEST with you.
Sometimes a couple just doesn't mesh. It's not bad, and it's no one's fault. They just aren't suited. Being able to talk about this is a lot easier. In fact, many friendships start this way.
END NOTES
Hopefully, this issue will assist you to have a more successful and enjoyable dating life. Try out these tips on your next date and don't be surprised when they result in greater clarity and confidence for you.
If you would like more feedback and guidance on having a successful dating life, contact Toni@consum-mate.com.
Check out the new eclass on designing your relationship plan. Learn HOW to find and build the relationship you have always wanted. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm for sign up information and form.
RESOURCES
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2003 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com