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The Art Of Intimacy
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October 2002
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WELCOME
Is it already October? The days continue to grow shorter and the nights have become cooler- it must be fall! Now is the time our thoughts turn to home and family. The holidays are drawing nearer and soon will come those urges to "cocoon" and stay warm by the fire while sharing intimate times and comfort food. Who will you snuggle with? With whom will you share the hot food and intimate conversation? Now is the time to make your relationship goal a priority. New (CLRT), Creating Lasting Relationships Training groups are forming. Over the next eight weeks you could uncover your blocks to finding your ideal mate and turning this attraction into a lasting union. Don't let another holiday season pass. Begin now to live the life you are so ready for. When the winter winds blow and the snow keeps you at home, have that someone to share it all with! Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/how.htm to begin your relationship journey.
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art of Intimacy. The subscription list continues to grow. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance. If you wish to remove yourself from this mailing list, directions are included at the end of the newsletter.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Clarity is power. You've got to be clear about what you want for your life and relationships.
FEATURED ARTICLE: Clarifying and Living Your Values
Last month we asked, "what are you passionate about"? This month we are going a little deeper, to that place where beliefs and passions are formed- your values. Values are what we use as a means to know our true selves. They define us in a unique way and give us a solid foundation on which to build our life and relationships. When two people are considering a committed relationship, they should share values in those areas most important to them.
When you think about the word "values", what specific things come to mind? Your list would probably include, spiritual (religion), importance of family and children, priority of work and career, how you view the importance of material things, roles of men/women, and your general ranking of life's priorities. How much thought have you given these as you look for your right person? Are these things you have discussed in past relationships or ones you plan to discuss when you meet that special person? Or do you make the all too common mistake of assuming that if you basically get along well and come from similar backgrounds that your values must be the same.
Try the following exercise to help you clarify what your values are and which ones you hold most dearly. Choose your 8 most important values. Rank the priority of each on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest.
Next, make an action plan for each. This involves working to bring your behavior into step with your beliefs.
Now, compare your behavior with what you believe your values are. How well do they match up? If they are out of alignment, ask yourself why? Is it perhaps that you are responding to what you think others want you to be? Or perhaps you have lost sight of what is most important to you. If so, this could be at the root of why your life may not be working for you. Ask yourself if you are committing enough of your time to what you value most? Addressing this critical part of yourself will help to turn your life in the direction that is right for you.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. What if my values are just not in sync with my peers? If others see me as uptight and not open, how can I get to a second or third date without the other person rejecting me before really getting to know me?
A. I think what you are talking about relates to that age-old dilemma of "If you really like me, you would..." We have to like (and love) ourselves first in order to be successful in relating to others. Doing or acting according to what others want will cause you to abandon your true nature. As Shakespeare said centuries ago; "to thine own self be true, and so it must follow as night the day, that thou cannot be false to any man." Connect deeply with your values, take pride in them and live them; this can only lead you to greater relationship success. It will also help you not to waste time with someone who doesn't want what you do.
Q. My values come from my parents and church, right? How can I know if they are really MINE or those of the people and institutions, which had all that early influence on me?
A. This is a good question and one that all people should be asking themselves as they mature into adulthood. Adolescence is about challenging and rebelling against "our parents' values." However, we need to also reassess this issue as young adults, after we have finished our rebellion and are becoming independent. Give yourself time for some reflection on your values, as we talked about earlier. As you list each value in order of priority, also ask yourself WHY this is so important to you. Imagine your life if you didn't hold this value. Come up with a very different set of values and rank them. List anything that is different that you can think of. Now try these on. How do they fit? Are they comfortable? If you were living your life by them, what might your life be like? Is this the life you want? Reflect deeply, the answers are contained within you.
END NOTES
Hopefully, this issue has helped you to explore and clarify your values and provoke you into taking a hard look at what your behavior says about what you believe and vice versa. If you would like more feedback and guidance to help you in examining your values or around any part of your relationship building process, contact toni@consum-mate.com. New CLRT classes are being formed. Meet with other searching singles and acquire the necessary tools and knowledge to build your soulmate relationship.
Toni offers a free "lets see what this is like" session to help you decide if the coaching path is right for you. Send Toni an email at toni@consum-mate.com and begin your journey to your lasting intimate relationship.
RESOURCES
In order to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with others, we must keep ourselves fit in mind and body. The following are resources worth checking out to see if they could be useful to you.
Suzanne Falter-Barns, author of the popular self-help book, How Much Joy Can You Stand? is teaching a new e-course on how to make a living at your dream. "Living Your Joy, How to Find the Time, the Money and the Energy to Live Your Dream, provides practical tips and a comprehensive plan for figuring out how, when and if to leave your job; among other things! Details are at: http://www.howmuchjoy.com/livingyourjoy.html
Females Only: Free Report and Newsletter- Learn how to reduce cellulite, burn 3,5000 calories per week AT REST, lose 5-8 lbs. and a total of 10 or more total inches in 3 weeks, while increasing your energy and decreasing stress. Go to http://www.onlineadvancedfitness.com for your Free report and newsletter.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2002 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
CANCELING SUBSCRIPTION
If you would like to have your name removed from this newsletter subscription list, please go to http://www.consum-mate.com/freenewsletter.php and follow the simple instructions for removal.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com