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The Art Of Intimacy
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November 2002
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WELCOME
Is it November already? Are you looking forward to Thanksgiving and beyond? How many of you have begun to think about (or even made) holiday plans. If you haven't done this yet, it is time to begin. Perhaps you have been too busy? Maybe you are unsure what others in your life have planned. Or maybe you are feeling a sense of dread or hesitation due to past holidays and expectations for the ones ahead. Know that you are not alone and that many others have successfully gone before you in their pursuit of stress-free, fun-filled holidays! Read on for some basic advice on how to plan, manage and enjoy this very intense, family-oriented time of year.
New (CLRT), Creating Lasting Relationships Training groups are forming. Invest one hour a week for eight weeks in your relationship goals! Let this season motivate and inspire you towards new beginnings and a more complete life. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com to begin your relationship journey. Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art of Intimacy; a free, monthly e-mail newsletter for singles trying to create lasting intimate relationships. The subscription list continues to grow thanks to all of you. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
FEATURED ARTICLE:
TIPS FOR SINGLES ON SURVIVING (AND ENJOYING) THE HOLIDAYS
Here you are, facing the holiday season alone. Have you been thinking about?
If these thoughts sound familiar it is probably time to reflect on your feelings regarding this holiday season. If your goal is to hide out and endure it alone, you won't need to do too much planning. However, if you wish to experience at least a measure of the "peace and joy" associated with this time of year, you need to make and follow through with plans that allow you to participate in ways that are meaningful to YOU. Remember, your senses are bombarded from October to December with music, images and Hallmark verses depicting the "right" experiences and expressions for the season. Remind yourself, every day if necessary, that there's nothing wrong with being single. You have the same need and right to enjoy this season as any couple or family does. How you choose to do this is up to you. After you have done some serious reflection, consider the following list of holiday tips designed especially for singles.
Don't make plans out of a sense of obligation. This is also your holiday season. Set limits, make good choices and enjoy. You may ask yourself; "do I really want to go out"? If so, make your next question something like; "does it sound like something I would enjoy or be interested in?" Or, "will I have the opportunity to meet and mix with other singles?"
Avoid unrealistic expectations from others, from yourself and from the holidays themselves. Relax, enjoy and don't expect so much that you will feel hurt or disappointed when things don't turn out just as you had imagined. This will defeat all the positive feelings and experiences that you may have already gained.
Make sure you give thanks for all the blessings you do have in your life. Focusing on what you don't have only encourages negative thoughts. Add a prayer of hope for the things you would like to work for in the coming year.
Don't overbook OR overstay a good amount of time with relatives/friends. Sometimes a shorter stay works best and leaves you energy and space to get back to your own home and decompress.
Look for ways to give to or do for others. Feeling useful and appreciated will provide a great boost to your holiday spirits. Check into volunteer opportunities at local shelters and nursing homes or through any local church or non-profit group.
Don't plan to spend the entire holiday season with married /coupled family and friends. Seek out other singles and singles groups/ activities where you can feel relaxed and able to share with folks you have more in common with at this time. Better yet, plan a get together with other singles for one of the holidays. A festive potluck meal, tree trimming party or other holiday event would probably be much appreciated.
Do avoid using food, alcohol or drugs to cope with holiday stress. Nothing is worse than the feelings that follow the use (or wrong use) of these things. This way of coping leads to depression, low self-esteem and a greater sense of isolation and despair.
Do decorate your home with any and all things that make it feel more festive and fun for YOU. Tune into all those wonderful traditions you grew up with. It does not have to be very costly or time consuming to begin your own traditions in your own place. Don't put off or deny yourself those happy holiday expressions, as you wait for your significant other. Make your life all it can be right now.
Consider emphasizing the more spiritual aspects of the holiday. Go to a concert featuring religious holiday music or attend a church (or other) service, (even better with a friend).
Finally, going away to an exotic place may be just what you do need. Look into tour or vacation packages for singles. This may provide plenty of rest and relaxation and help you meet new friends and develop new interests.
Whatever you decide to do for your holidays, have fun and enjoy them. Focus on taking care of yourself and doing what is right for you. This way you will also be giving your best to those around you. Happy Holidays!
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. Every year I dread the office holiday party. I never have a date and I wonder what my co-workers must think of me. I'd like to avoid it altogether, but this is not good form where I work. How can I make this more comfortable (and even more fun) for me?
A. Many singles share your feelings about the office party. This is especially unfortunate because it is designed to be a fun experience for people who generally know each other in more limited ways. You can come up with other (pressing plans); if it's just something you don't want to participate in. Tell your boss you need to do something with family, etc. Let your office know you will miss being at this event with them. Or, you can bring along a good friend. If you know someone who is fun and would mix well, explain the situation to him/her, and go with the intent to have a lot of laughs and just mingle. Nothing heavy. Your other choice is to go solo. You can explain or not explain, depending upon what works best for you. Then decide how long you will stay and other minor details. You could then make plans with friends for later in the evening. This way, no matter how it works out, you will still have some fun that night.
Q. I dread going "home for the holidays". Actually, it's more a mix of hopefulness that the holiday really will be one of sharing and good times; and my strong belief (based on experience), that I will end up feeling angry, sad and alone. It seems I repeat this pattern every year and don't know how to make anything any different. Can you offer any ideas?
A. The period leading up to the holidays is filled with anticipation and hope for good things to come. You probably plan carefully for the trip home and how it can be more enjoyable. While all of this is fine and normal, your particular situation may require that you do some things differently. Clearly, following the same course year after year has left you frustrated and disappointed. You do not have to change the whole plan, just look at minor adjustments to it. Why not consider:
The length of time you stay. Should you arrive later, or return home earlier? A shorter stay may cut down on tensions and be a lot more enjoyable.
What activities you have planned during your stay. Consider going out to a show or to dinner with some family members. You could go to a movie alone. Perhaps you could make plans with a non-family member during your stay. All of these can help relieve boredom and tension.
Spending part of the holidays with family and the other part with friends. Or split your time between two or more (family) households. Again, this can break up boredom and lead to less tension. You would also get to spend time with more people.
Lastly, keep your expectations realistic. Don't hold out too much hope that things and people will just be different (better) this year. You will have to do some things differently to get better results.
END NOTES
This issue was designed to help you have a happier and more satisfying holiday season. Remember to plan well, taking into account what you want and what feels right for you. Be open to trying new traditions and/or making changes to your old ones. Remember that this is a time to celebrate love, connection, tradition and new beginnings. Make this a holiday season to remember and cherish.
If you would like more feedback and guidance to help you in planning for your holiday, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. New CLRT classes are being formed. Meet with other singles and acquire the tools and knowledge needed to build your soulmate relationship.
RESOURCES
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2002 Antoinette Coleman. AAll rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com