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The Art Of Intimacy
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June 2002
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WELCOME
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art Of Intimacy; a free, monthly e-mail newsletter for singles trying to create lasting intimate relationships. The subscription list continues to grow thanks to all of you. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
My own opinion is that love is felt most completely in marriage, or some comparable attachment of long duration. Love takes time. What are called "love affairs" may afford a wide, and in retrospect, illuminating variety of emotions; not only fierce satisfactions and swooning delights, but the horrors of jealousy and the desperation of parting attending them; the hangover from one of these emotional riots may be long and dreadful. But rarely have the pleasures of love an opportunity to manifest themselves in such riots of passion. Love affairs are for emotional sprinters; the pleasures of love are for the emotional marathoners.
FEATURED ARTICLE: DEFINING INTIMACY
How do you define intimacy? When you envision an intimate relationship, what do you see? Have you observed relationships that appear to be filled with intimacy? Have you experienced frustration or sadness due to a lack of intimacy in a present or past relationship?
If you are like most people in search of intimacy, you probably define it using words like love, intensity, friendship, sharing and sex. Perhaps you imagine yourself walking hand in hand with someone, or laughing together in the company of close family or friends. Your visions probably take place in fun-filled, stress free, "best of times" scenarios. It's a good bet you don't envision intimacy as present in the sad, struggling and frightening experiences of a future life.
Yet in defining intimacy, these "negative" experiences will play a critical role in the health and longevity of your relationship. In fact, true intimacy can't exist without the "tough times".
So, how is intimacy truly defined? In her book The Dance Of Intimacy; Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. sums it up well. She states that "for starters, intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same. An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way."
As you compare this definition of intimacy with the one that you have held, how well do they match up? Are there similarities or are they very different? Whatever your answer to this question is, you can benefit greatly by examining your beliefs about intimacy. Such an assessment will provide a critical early step in the journey to a lasting intimate relationship.
There are many later steps that you will take as you create the relationship of your dreams. However these will be more vulnerable to failure without first building a strong foundation of intimacy.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. Can there be intimacy in a relationship in which your compatability is a question, yet the intensity, great sex and shared interests are all there?
A. This depends in part on how you define compatability. If you as a couple have difficulty resolving conflict due to an inability to listen without judgement, share without fear of rejection or reprisal, or be vulnerable without threat of emotional harm; then your lack of "compatability" interferes with true intimacy. The feelings of intensity, great sex, and shared fun moments will fade with the growing feelings of resentment, anger, and lack of trust.
Q. How do we build intimacy in a relationship?
A. Intimacy develops over time. It must be grown slowly as we deepen our relationship. It builds every time we listen attentively to our partner, communicate painful or vulnerable feelings, take a risk in saying we are sorry first, or ask for what we want or need from our other.
END NOTES
Hopefully, this issue has at the very least, inspired you to reexamine your beliefs about intimacy and examine past and present relationships differently, based on your new insights.
Wherever you are in your process of finding and creating your perfect intimate relationship; you may feel the need for guidance, feedback and support. Toni offers a free "lets see what this is like" session to help you decide if the coaching path is right for you.
Send Toni an email at toni@Consum-mate.com and begin your journey to your lasting intimate relationship.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2002 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com