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The Art Of Intimacy
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July 2002
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WELCOME
Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art Of Intimacy: a free, monthly email newsletter for singles trying to create lasting relationships. The subscription list continues to grow, thanks to all of you. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
FEATURED ARTICLE: ARE PAST RELATIONSHIPS GETTING IN YOUR WAY?
How often do you go on a first date, anticipating that the other person will be or act a certain way? Perhaps you go out with the feeling that this will be a negative experience or just a waste of time. Do you find yourself prejudging the other person based on what their profession is or how they dress? During the date, do you mentally compare them with someone from your past? Do you find that you experience sadness or frustration because NOBODY could ever be like HIM/HER? Or perhaps you fear EVERYONE will be hopelessly flawed, because that is just the way all relationships are, especially for you.
Chances are, you recognize yourself in at least one of the above descriptions. Given that this is so, imagine all the ways you could be setting yourself up for relationship failure. Your beliefs, set in place by your past relationships, could be sabotaging your chances at relationship success. It's a good bet you have an inkling of this problem already, but it gets hold of you and you repeatedly create a self-fulfilling negative dating experience.
So how do you change this negative pattern? An important first step would be to examine what your beliefs are and try to connect each one with at least one past experience. Include in your inventory any childhood experiences that would involve your observation of, and/or second hand experience with the relationships of your parents, grandparents, and other adults you were exposed to. What were your general impressions of those relationships? What conclusions did you draw about relationships from them? Now do the same for any relationships you have had. What impressions and beliefs did these earlier experiences leave you with? Chances are, you came up with some interesting and hopefully useful, conclusions.
The next step is to go forward with a new awareness and to make a CHOICE not to bring along the old negative beliefs on your next date. Make a decision to be open and to see each new person as the unique experience that they are. At the very least, you should find dating more relaxed and a lot more enjoyable for BOTH of you.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I have a history of ALWAYS dating the same TYPE of person. This type attracts me, while many others do not. However, it never works out. Can you change who you are attracted to?
A. Chances are that what attracts you is some quality or qualities that you don't really want and that may even be the reason, "it never works out". First, you need to clearly identify what these are and ask yourself why they are so attractive to you. Do they include excitement, mystery, "strength", or perhaps an APPEARANCE of strong self-confidence? Examine these qualities for what else they may really be. What past experiences or unmet feelings/ needs in you draw you to someone with these qualities? This exercise will help you to clarify what your type may really be and open your mind to new partner possibilities.
Q. Do I need to completely get over an old relationship before I begin dating again?
A. Do we ever really "get over" an old love? If you really think about it, we want to keep the good things from that relationship and learn from the painful/difficult parts. The best way "to get over" a bad past relationship is to move forward and achieve a successful and fulfilling one. You need to keep your boundaries clean and not let old junk spill into the present.
END NOTES
This issue was designed to help you raise your awareness of how your past relation- ship experience can become a template for all present and future relationships without purposeful awareness of, and intervention on, your part. This should help you do your own past relationship evaluation and aid you in your goal to develop a healthy and lasting union.
Wherever you are in the process of building your perfect relationship; you may feel the need for guidance, feedback and support. Toni offers a free "let's see what this is like" session to help you decide if the coaching path is right for you.
Send Toni an email at toni@Consum-mate.com and begin your journey to your lasting intimate relationship.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2002 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com