Is the secret to happy marriage being nice to one another?

October 19th, 2016

Though many of you may have already known this through intuition and common sense, newly released research is proving it to be correct. Couples who are nice to one another are happier. But how they define nice is important—as for many of us, this may be subjective.

Researchers at the IDC, Bar-Ilan University, the University of Rochester, and Cornell Tech in New York have published a study in the Journal of Personality and Social psychology that essentially defines nice as being responsive to your partner’s needs outside of the bedroom. This sounds rather familiar doesn’t it? Women have been trying to tell guys this for years, drawing a connection between what happens outside of the bedroom and inside of it.

Three separate studies were conducted with over 100 couples participating. In the first study that consisted of back and forth structured interactions, they evaluated how well each participant understood what their partner was communicating, how well they validated their feelings, and how they expressed warmth and affection towards them. The researchers were attempting to pinpoint what keeps happiness alive for couples after the initial highs of physical chemistry fade.

The second study used videotapes of the couples in an interaction in which one partner told either a positive or negative personal story and the other responded to it. Afterwards they were asked to express their feelings using some form of physical intimacy, and researchers coded these responses. And evaluated them for level of desire.

The couples in the third study kept daily diaries for six weeks that reported on the quality of their relationship, how responsive each felt their partner was to them, and their level of desire towards their partner.

The overall results showed a clear connection between sexual desire and perception of a partner’s responsiveness. In a nutshell, a responsive, tuned in partner is a turn-on. Women partners were especially sensitive to this.

Some ways to be nicer? Listen, really listen, and do it without judgement, pay attention to the little things that impact your partner, show support when it is needed/asked for—and take the time to tune in, really tune in. Spicing up your sex life won’t hurt either.

Are you an older dater looking for more? There’s an app for that

October 16th, 2016

Dating apps are no longer just for the younger crowd. Apparently the creators of these apps have decided to tap into the many 35+ year old daters out there who are more established in their careers, motivated to find people for dating and more—and have the money and willingness to pay for the right services.

A number of these apps did not allow or actively discouraged “older” daters to join when they launched a few years back. However now that they have becomes well-established and have many users, they are tapping into this more lucrative group. Some started a waiting list of daters in this demographic and when the pool had grown large enough to increase their chances of satisfaction—they were allowed to purchase memberships, which they are happily doing. Membership fees are where dating site owners get most of their revenue, so the addition of these older single is just good business.

These memberships come with added features, like being able to seek matches when travelling and therefore outside of the standard “100” miles allowed on most apps. Over time, new features have been added that young daters usually resist, but older daters are happy to belly up to the bard for.

It’s working well and many apps are reporting a strong share of paid members using additional features—and a much stronger bottom line for the company because of it.

If you are an older dater and want more than the basic free service, and are willing to pay for it—these apps have a lot to offer. The number of users are strong and they are a willing group, often doing more than “just looking.” Want someone to cuddle with in the long, dark season ahead? Sign up for an app and consider which services would enhance your experiences and increase your odds. Then go for it.

The mystery of The Donald and Melania

October 8th, 2016

Since his announcement to enter the race for the Presidency—The Donald’s life, business dealings, family, and especially his wife Melania have become a primary focus of the media and potential voters. Indeed Mr. Trump is a master of self-marketing and has managed to remain in the headlines on an almost daily basis, with his provocative comments directed at almost every group, outrageous claims of superiority, and ridiculous attacks on his opponents and anyone else he believes has dissed him. He enjoys the spotlight and knows how to keep it on him. Throughout it all, a favorite target has been women—old ones, ugly ones, fat ones, low energy ones, etc.

Now we have an 11 year old tape of Donald on an open mike (one he was not aware was in operation) talking with Billy Bush about the (ummm) qualities of a certain woman, and how the Donald had hit on another very attractive and married woman who had rebuffed him. All this not long after he married his third wife, Melania. Have to wonder how there have only been three when The Donald has so much trouble keeping his thoughts, words, and hands in check.

Now for anyone acting shocked and horrified by the behavior—take it easy. Guys do talk this way when in the company of other men some of the time. It’s called bragging and kissing and telling when the woman kisses back. However most of the time it happens in the locker room of a Junior High School. It is childish, cheap, and makes the person uttering it look like they are trying hard to impress. Sounds like The Donald all right.

Well it might have been 11 years ago, but it has sparked an outrage and led to a twitter storm that is packing an intensity like Matthew. People are weighing in with his unfitness for the presidency, his crude mouth, his attempts to cheat on his new wife—and some are even calling it assault. WOW—The Donald has managed to grab the headlines again, but this time he was as blindsided as everyone by how it happened.

His usually mysterious, quiet, and dutiful wife has finally spoken up—and she is joining in with everyone else on how inappropriate his behavior was. However, like the Good Wife, she has forgiven him. This when Trump is frequently criticizing Hillary for standing by her cheating man. This latest dust up may leave him speechless about Bill’s past escapades due to the glass house this has put him in. But with Trump, you just never know.

What everyone is probably wondering about is what Melania is thinking—something we have been asking since the summer of 2015. Does she know he behaves this way around other women, does she ever confront or challenge him behind closed doors, is she just a “trophy wife” as some have suggested, or does she hold a more equal spot and have real influence when the cameras and mikes are off? And is this public rebuke by Melania just a response thought up by the campaign as part of their strategy to minimize this tape and its potential for turning off more women voters and even Republicans who have tried to present a united front throughout this campaign?

It’s unlikely we will know the answers to any of these questions anytime soon. Years from now someone will write a tell-all book—but probably not until a time when many folks will ask “Donald who?” If this doesn’t sink him then someone should name a game after him—something like “Whack a Trump.”

Oxytocin—the spiritual hormone

October 5th, 2016

New research from Duke University that appears online in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience has found that oxytocin may be more than just the “love hormone.” Men who participated in the study reported a greater sense of spirituality after taking oxytocin, and more positive emotions while practicing meditation. Both spirituality and meditation have long been linked to emotional and physical well-being—therefore the study’s authors were interested in learning more about biological factors that could enhance spirituality and a sense of well-being.

Oxytocin has long been known for its role in supporting social awareness, bonding and altruism. Now we know it also increases a sense of spirituality—which helps to frame our world view, what we believe, and how we relate to others. So could goodness actually be traced back to a chemical that some people have more of and are therefore more giving, caring, and connected to their fellow men?

Oxytocin affects men and women differently, so the study included just men. The researchers stated that the chemical’s impact on women’s spirituality needs to be studied as well—which will yield even more useful information about its effects.

Of note is that oxytocin did not produce the same results for all participants. Its effect on spirituality was stronger for participants with a specific variant of the CD38 gene—a gene that regulates the release of oxytocin from neurons in the brain.

Does all this mean that someone is destined to be a disconnected non-believer because they have a low flow of oxytocin in their brain? Probably not. However it may point to why someone is an extrovert rather than an introvert, or why some folks find connecting with others to be so easy while others struggle with shyness and social awkwardness. Regardless of our basic biology, we can all work on improving our emotional intelligence, practice meditation skills, and become better communicators with those around us. Yes, it does seem so easy for some, but this doesn’t mean it’s not possible for those who have to put in some effort to make it happen.

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Brangelina no more

September 20th, 2016

No one knows what goes on between a couple except the two people involved. Every relationship therapist (like myself) knows this. However, this fact won’t get in the way of all the speculation, hypothesizing, blaming, and innuendos that are sure to come now that the news of the Brangelina split has been confirmed.

Already there is talk about Jen—and how karma has come back around to this couple who met and started their relationship when Brad and Jen were still together. There is also rumor about possible drug use on the part of Brad that Angelina just can’t tolerate for the sake of the kids. Her illness and subsequent surgeries are bound to come up—as are rumors of someone stepping outside of the marriage. We may never know and it’s none of our business anyway.

The reason Jolie gave when filing for divorce was for the well-being of the family, and she has requested full custody. This is bound to get folks speculating about what Brad must have done, is doing for Jolie to take this step. Perhaps there has been a lot of tension, fighting and dysfunction due to having so many children in such a short period of time, several having been adopted from other countries/cultures. Add to that Jolie’s health issues and you have the makings of serious stress, and we know that stress has a negative impact on individuals, couples, and families.

Whatever the reason for this step—it does not have the feel of a typical Hollywood split—one partner getting bored or just becoming unhappy and going elsewhere to get their needs met. Or the time Hollywood couples spend apart due to their work, and the fact that while they are apart, hubby or wifey is getting chummy with a co-star or others they work and live closely to while on location.

This one is also different due to the focus these two have had on their kids/family—and how supportive Brad was during Angelina’s difficult diagnoses and subsequent surgeries. According to Jolie, he was wonderful. But really—where has the time been for just Brangelina, the lovers/partners/friends? Seems like it’s been Brangelina the spouses and parents of a large brood of young children. This and their work must have led to a lot of loneliness and unmet needs—how could it be otherwise?

Whatever the reasons, we will never really know what they are. We can only hope that they find a way to end things amicably for the sake of the kids—and for Jen fans, that Brad finds his way back to his first love. Just thought I’d throw that one in for the fun of it.

A monument to love lost

September 18th, 2016

The Museum of Broken Relationships (yes, there is such a thing) was the brainchild of an artist (ex) couple who wondered what people actually do with all things that are reminders and remnants of their lost relationship. In 2006 they took this from idea to their first exhibit—and it took off, touring internationally before they established the first permanent museum in Zagreb, Croatia in 2010. In 2016 The Museum of Broken relationships was brought to LA by John B Quinn—and it’s popularity, especially among couples, is very strong.

The museum accepts donations of relationship relics along with their stories from anonymous donors. It is these donations and the stories of the lost loves behind them that make up the displays. Therefore they are always accepting and looking for the next great story. Just imagine how many people have held onto old keepsakes and reminders of that very special love that they have not gotten over. Certainly first loves must be overrepresented as they are the ones that stay with us forever.

Since the experience of finding then losing that special relationship is a universal one, it’s easy to understand why this museum gets so much buzz. We can all relate to the stores it tells and the people behind them. They are us and we are them. No one is alone in this experience.

If you continue to be haunted by an old love, to struggle due to a lack of closure—you might be able to find it in telling your story to the world. It would be anonymous of course, but you could share it with so many, which can be a great catharsis for the love lorn. Perhaps a visit to the museum could help as well. For there you would find your story, being told over and over, often by people who moved on, healed, and thrived in new relationships. If you are dating, this seems to be a popular date venue—couples come in smiling and walking near one another, and leave holding one another, often filled with a lot of emotion. If you are unsure of your significant other’s feeling, take them here and observe their body language. You could gain a lot of information about their feelings regarding you and the relationship.

Nick Viall—A new type for Bachelor franchise

September 10th, 2016

By now everyone who is familiar with the show, The Bachelor, knows that the new guy for the next season has been chosen. When the announcement was made, viewers were told they would be “shocked.” Probably not all were, I was not.

Reality TV is all about getting people to tune in, get excited, stay loyal—and this pick was thought to do all 3. There has been a lot of buzz (yeah for franchise) since the choice of Nick was announced and it’s likely he won’t disappoint. Another nice guy would be too vanilla, so they went with a bit of a wild card this time. It’s all about the ratings…

It’s common for a popular runner-up to become the next Bachelor or Bachelorette—which is why Nick was not the guy the first time he made it to the final two. He was the bad boy who kissed and told, and was a poor sport about not being chosen. His first bachelorette Andi was not happy with him and even wrote about his bedroom antics in a new book that has just come out on her experiences as the Bachelorette and the two leading men who starred in that drama.

So why Nick? He’s different—older, bad boy morphed into misunderstood nice guy, gets along well with women as friends, is familiar as opposed to being a mysterious new face, yet is kind of an unknown. Would the real Nick Viall please stand up?

Nick is great at loving the one he is with. He clearly LIKES women, all women. Yet he never seems to really fall for any. He goes from woman to woman, trying her on, but in the end, not feeling it is quite right. What is also different about this Bachelor is that we know a lot about his past dating life, his fear of commitment (we think), his sexiness (from Kaitlyn), his kissing and telling (for sure), his liking but leaving for a better offer ( Jen).

This season we should witness a lot of heart to heart talks between Nick and his ladies, tears (from Nick), mixed messages going from Nick to those he is most interested in—and a different final rose story. Nick is someone who I can imagine asking to put two girls on hold at the end and date both with a later rose ceremony happening if and when he can decide. Who knows, maybe there is hope for Chad..then maybe not.

Whatever you may think of Nick—he isn’t boring. Stay tuned, this one could be fun.

Carly and Evan—Love is worth a second look

September 7th, 2016

Most or all of us believe that love at first sight can happen, or that good friends could grow into lovers given the right mix of chemistry. But the idea of someone falling in love with a person they were initially repulsed by—now that is a shocker for most people. This is the love story of Carly and Evan, and it is one that just may get folks thinking about relationship possibilities in a different way.

As a dating/relationship coach I have worked with many folks who did not feel an initial attraction to someone, but over time, one developed and grew into a love affair. However, I cannot recall a single time when one of my clients expressed a repulsion or even a complete lack of chemistry when meeting someone and then later on, falling head over arse with them. I often encourage those who feel neutral on a first date to give it a second or third try because with repeated exposure and more time to get to know that person, their feelings could change. But if they say “yuk,” I usually agree that this is not likely the person for them. I may handle this a bit differently going forward thanks to Carly and Evan or “Cvan” as they are being affectionately called by the network.

Carly and Evan’s story is something we can all learn from, especially those singles who believe they must seek out their “type” in order to find the right person for them. Another couple example from this season of Bachelor in Paradise are Vinny and Izzy. They were doing great together until Izzy’s “ideal man” walked in and she broke Vinny’s heart, who was blindsided by her sudden change of heart. Izzy also said she was shocked at her reaction, saying that if she could list the physical qualities of her perfect man, the new guy was it. Of course, new guy went for someone else, then just wasn’t feeling it with her either and ended up leaving the show alone, as did Izzy who was desperate to get right back with Vinny who quickly said “no thanks.”

In Carly’s case, it appeared to be a combination of typing and maturity. After all, her type last season was Kirk, so different from Evan, and clearly someone Carly fell hard for and was devastated by when he ended things with her. Right from the start Carly took some of the lead with Kirk, and early on he expressed some doubts, which he clearly buried till near the end of the season. But it was Evan who pursued Carly, who fell hard and quite creatively got and kept her attention long enough to engage her in real conversation and interaction. Initially she didn’t feel a physical attraction, then expressed her thoughts about his weirdness, and even loudly and bluntly talked about how awful their first kiss was and the long kiss she endured on their hot pepper date. But Evan persisted, supported her when she got sick on that date—then faked an illness so he could get and keep her at his side in the hospital. It seems that his persistence and the fact that he was so into her contributed heavily to her change of heart. She also got to know him in a more real life way and enjoyed the interaction. This is where maturity comes in. If Carly were 23 rather than 29, she probably would have missed out on this chance for love.

Evan has three boys and is divorced and Carly has never been married—yet post-show, things seem to be going well. They live in the same town (what are the odds?) and this is clearly an advantage.

If you are a long time viewer of the shows in this franchise you will know how often the relationships have been all talk, scripted, or forced. Yet I think virtually everyone would agree that the last rose scene with Carly and Evan was as romantic and sincere as it gets. If these two don’t make it, I may hang up my shingle.

For all you searching singles out there—don’t rush to judgement, give that person a chance, and go for a second and possibly third date. What have you got to lose except a chance at love?

What your fantasies say about your relationship

August 14th, 2016

Research has found that almost everyone has sexual fantasies, approximately 95 to 98% of people actually. This finding is that that surprising—at least to the 95% or so of us who have them. What may come as a surprise is that new research has found that relationships are improved and enhanced by fantasy—as long as the partners are fantasizing about each other instead of, well you know.

Another thing we didn’t need research to reveal is that men’s fantasies are more sexually graphic, while women fantasize more about romance fueled by emotions. But this latest research teases out more interesting detail that points to fantasizes being tied to certain personality types as well as what people want from their relationships. Now all we need is a first date quiz that would help the individual’s learn more about one another’s sexual fantasies in order to know if they are compatible in their relationships goals. Not very romantic and maybe would need to be shelved till the second or third date. However it sure could save a lot of time and wasted effort.

Not surprising is that the kind of fantasies that people have are determined by a number of factors besides gender. These include age, past sexual experiences, the length of a relationship and degree of happiness in it, personality and even emotional style (cuddly, warm, distant, and detached). For instance if someone is attachment avoidant, they fantasize about casual, unemotional sex. If they are insecure and fear losing love, they fantasize about pleasing their partner. Secure people fantasize about loving and romantic sex with a strong emotional element. When you think about it, it’s pretty logical.

Maybe when people talk about desperation, clinginess, and neediness as turn-offs—what they are really pointing to is that this person is insecure and has low-self-esteem. Confidence and strong self-esteem are turn-ons for most of us.

The important take away from the resent research is that fantasizing about YOUR partner will help your relationship. Yes, everyone, especially men fantasize about others from time to time—but focusing on one’s partner can actually improve how you relate to one another. On study found that people who fantasize about their partner one day were more likely to feel more committed and trusting towards them the next day. Another study showed that when a partner fantasized about their partner, they were more likely to be kinder and more positive to them the next day.

For anyone in a relationship—try making your partner the sole object of your fantasies. Your relationship will thank you for it.

Advice to Bachelorettes in “Paradise”

August 11th, 2016

I have been watching (and frequently cringing over) this season’s Bachelor in Paradise. From an abusive, over-muscled villain to an overserved female (and male) or two—the behavior on this Bachelor barely passes for unacceptable. But we continue to watch and ratings are probably strong. Why is this? Maybe these folks help us to feel superior, more together, and/or better able to handle our liquor. Maybe it’s just that as they push the boundaries and behave in ways that would get anyone else arrested, fired, or broken-up with. There’s an entertainment factor in watching them do the unthinkable and (more or less) getting away with it. From verbal threats, name-calling, vicious gossip, trading places to deceive and humiliate (twins), to pushing and other physical aggression—this season of Bachelor in Paradise has it all.

Contestants have their reasons for auditioning and if selected, joining the cast. The obvious one is to find their 15 minutes of fame and potentially a new and more lucrative career. What we hear over and over are comments about someone being there for the wrong reasons—the “right” one being to find love. But really, who believes that? Those who do find love seem to just get lucky—right time, right place, right person.

Whatever female cast members’ reasons are for being there, many of them are going about (whatever it is) in the wrong way. What they tell us in their solo interview spots is that they want to find that special person and that for reasons that completely escape their awareness, their relationships NEVER WORK OUT. How many times have we heard this from a very attractive woman who also appears to possess good intelligence and has done reasonable well in her career? I see a pattern here and though it seems obvious to me, it seems to escape these women. No one is really talking about it openly and candidly either, probably for fear of being called narrow-minded or sexist. Because I am a woman and a therapist—I’m comfortable pointing out what I see and if any of these young ladies were my clients, we would be talking about this.

To begin with, these women are selling themselves short. In spite of their looks and other positive attributes, they appear to suffer from low self-esteem. It’s as though they anticipate rejection, then set themselves up for it. How do they do this, you ask?
For starters, a few consume too much alcohol, and even more move too quickly into something physical with the first interesting guy, or any guy if the pool is limited. There is no mystery, the guys don’t really have to make much of an effort, new guys see them physically connecting with other guys before they even have a chance to get to know them, and their interactions overall appear to be lacking in substance and depth.

Here they are with one big plus—they are in a situation where they are together for days (weeks for some), and have repeated exposure—which allows them to connect in deeper and more meaningful ways. Apparently some have done this and made good friends with another cast member and a few couples who moved quickly got lucky—but luck and timing factor heavily into their happy endings.

For the rest, we get to witness jealousy, tears, anger, moments of resentment and self-doubt, and some spectacular melt-downs. There they are, in front of how many million viewers, showing their worst selves. This is the kind of 15 minute impression no one wants to leave, and one that will not help their career any more than it will help them find love.

My advice is to slow down ladies. Drink less alcohol and more water, eat healthy food, take long walks, have some real conversations with each person there—then accept a date if someone really appeals and try to have some good old-fashioned fun and playtime together. Think Sarah’s date with Christian. Talk about fun—and it really helped them learn something about one another and to bond. My last piece of advice—stop trying to be what you THINK others want—especially men. Guys I work with are often telling me how they wish women would be themselves, push back, not let them get away with stuff—and just like themselves better.

This is good advice ladies—consider taking it if you really do want to find happy, healthy love.

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