Ellen McCarthy of the Washington Post writes a great column titled, “On Love.” On Sunday, June 28th, Ellen tells the story of 2 people (Kay Ann & Brian) who met in college, were good friends, but had “no chemistry”- then connected again at the age of 29 and fell in love and got married.

What’s really interesting about their story is that they both readily agree that they had so much in common and were very compatible as friends. Both had an interest in DC and politics, and both were involved in their school’s debate club. He had a relationship with a woman back home, but it ended after a few years- and when they graduated, they just lost touch.

Turns out they both stayed in DC, both had careers in republican politics- and their offices were blocks apart- yet years passed with no contact. She just happened to see his name when she was doing some research, and she emailed him. They got together, went out as friends- and then one night- something just happened. The way they tell it, it was just a moment when he asked for a kiss, and their relationship fell into a romantic pace after that.

So, what changed? Kay Ann and Brian say it’s that they realized how compatible they are, and that things just clicked in a new way for them. My take on it is that timing plays a bigger role than many folks realize. How many people would have chosen their mates differently if they had made the choice when they were in a different phase of their life? When they were in school, they were looking for physical sparks instead of friendship. Perhaps they did not believe that physical attraction could co-exist with great friendship- a belief held by far too many people. Somehow, the life experiences they had in their 20’s opened their minds to a new view of relationships and helped them to see each other anew.

If you have a great friend who is also attractive and available, don’t dismiss the possibilities just yet. It may be that the timing isn’t quite right, or that they are just not able to see you as anyone but their good buddy. So, go out and date other people, but stay in touch. When the time is just right, that right moment could come for you.

As a dating and relationship coach, I get a lot of mail from unattached singles and questions from reporters around every February 14th. If one can believe all the hype and anticipation, it’s a day that’s on everyone’s mind- whether they are in a relationship or not. In my work with singles I do see some increase in anxiety and get a lot of reports from folks “feeling the blues, as this day for lovers approaches.

Even though I specialize in the business of helping singles find lasting, healthy love- I am not a fan of Valentine’s day for several reasons, the first of which is that it has become hugely commercialized, and is in fact the second largest card selling holiday of the year. Simply put, it has morphed into a Hallmark holiday. Therefore, a lot of the pressure that is felt by everyone coupled or not, is due to massive advertising by all the businesses who hope to make a large profit selling cards, flowers, candy and events like dinners out.

As a dating coach, mom and wife- I see this pressure everywhere. Along with Valentine’s Day questions from singles and journalists, I get memos from the kid’s schools, detailing the parties and Valentines that need to be brought to school for everyone to share. These exchanges are no longer just a sweet card from the child, expressing friendship. There seems to be a contest to see who can send in the ones with the most candy or other little goodies included. On the hubby front, I observe my spouse asking small questions during the week before the big day. He queries me about what I would like to do on Saturday (this year), and is more solicitous than his usual self. Hummmm….

The emphasis on this day being THE DAY for expressions of caring and affection, could put us all at risk of getting into the mindset that we have fulfilled our duty to this task- and are now off the hook for the other 364 days of the year. It can also encourage us to see the giving of material things along with flowery words- as the only or right way to express feelings and deepen intimacy, when in fact, they allow us to get off easy and perhaps avoid the sometimes hard work that a relationship requires.

It’s when the 15th of February arrives, and we head back to the challenges of our everyday lives that all those small, simple, everyday acts of caring, sacrifice and showing appreciation are needed. It is action, not words, that acts as the glue between two people. It is the sacrifice of one’s own needs in the service of another that deepens trust and helps to cement a relationship.

For you who are single, those other 364 days of the year are where you need to focus your attention. Every day offers a chance to try something new, take a risk, reach out for that long desired goal and make some small change that will bring you closer to it. Valentine’s Day is just a day. If you must give it extra attention, don’t forget to offer kind words, generous thoughts and a little pampering to yourself. Indulge by doing something you LOVE to do- or nothing if that is what you need most right now. Tomorrow is a new day- and it is the first day of your new year after V-Day.

Like many Americans- Democrats, Republicans and Independents alike- I watched and listened as Sarah Palin introduced herself to America at the convention a few weeks ago. I waited all evening to hear what she had to say about pressing issues and party platforms, her work history and governing experience. Yet when the speech was over, what stayed with me were the things she shared about her personal life- especially her relationship with her husband.

So often I receive questions that ask for my thoughts/expertise on the importance of compatibility in a relationship- what it really means and how much “sameness’ needs to exist for the union to thrive. Interestingly enough, compatibility has less to do with sharing the same background, race, religion and educational level than it has to do with having a shared set of goals and values and an appreciation and respect for the differences that exist. The Palin’s marriage seems to illustrate this so well that I was compelled to highlight it as a great example of what I have been trying to say for years.

Todd Palin is a blue collar guy who works two jobs to help support his family. He is a fisherman and an oil field production operator- who has taken some college classes but does not have a degree. He is a card carrying union member and part Eskimo. His claim to fame is that he is a champion snowmobile racer. Sarah Palin is an ex beauty pageant contender who holds a Bachelor’s degree in communication. She is a white collar worker who was a sports reporter before helping with the family business and becoming a town mayor. Now she is on the Republican Presidential ticket. Whatever your personal opinion of her may be- this is a smart, accomplished lady.

Now contrast these differences with what the Palins have in common. Sarah and Todd eloped in 1988 and have 5 kids- the youngest a baby boy who has Down’s syndrome. They share a love of family life, the outdoors, extreme sports, and apparently each other. As I watched and listened to Ms Palin introduce her spouse to the world- I saw warmth, passion and strong chemistry between them. As she concluded the introduction she called him “my guy.” Now remember this came only months after they went through the difficult experience of becoming parents of a special needs child - which in and of itself often leads to guilt, blaming, stress, emotional and physical estrangement- and in 80% of these families- divorce. Yet the Palins made the choice to have their baby and face the future as an equally committed team.

Their union truly illustrates the importance of physical and emotional chemistry to a relationship- along with similar values and a shared vision of the future. Having strong chemistry with someone who really gets you helps the relationship to transcend differences that would seem huge without that intimate connection, friendship and shared world view. In a nutshell, when you are looking for compatible singles to meet and date- don’t be too quick to judge the book by its cover.

The other night I watched Michelle Obama speak at the Democratic Convention. She was poised, articulate and her presentation was flawless- which are all adjectives that have come to mind when I have watched other politicians, celebrities and high profile individuals speak. So, why was I riveted to the screen, unable to take my eyes off of her? It was her body language.

She showed great passion and emotion as she spoke about herself, her husband, children, and her family of origin. It was her tone of voice, posture, facial expressions- and a look in her eyes that conveyed the depth of her sincerity, love and beliefs. These expressions left no room for doubt or any sense that she was saying what the pollsters and media experts had advised. There was nothing canned or rehearsed about her words- and, if I had turned off the sound, I would still have been moved by what I saw.

I found myself reflecting on the many wives of political figures who have come before her- or who are sharing the stage in this present race. Michelle stands out. Prior to tuning in that night, I had little sense of who she is- and had not closely followed her appearances throughout the primary. I have read the many interpretations of what she has said and done- and had only a vague sense of who she is and what she stands for, which was shaped by the media.

I came away with a strong impression of a woman who is loyal, loving and authentic- and one who believes what she says and says what she believes. I also thought, “Wow, what an asset she is to Barak.” Afterwards, her husband appeared via satellite and asked, “Now do you see why I kept asking her out, even when she kept saying no?” My silent response was, “Yes, you knew what you were doing.”

Think about all the high profile and regular folks you know who are married to the “wrong” people. It seems there is a new scandal reported every month or so involving an affair or detailing behind the scenes conflicts and/or emotional abuse or neglect. How many couples do you know personally who have had this experience?

Even though Barak came from a single parent home, he reports that he was loved, nurtured and cherished. He often talks about the example that was set for him, and the important values he learned. It is obvious to me that what he has been telling us has much truth in it. His choice of spouse reflects that truth. He is often praised as someone who listens and observes- and is open to others. I can imagine what he must have sensed when he met Michelle. If I could ask him what attracted him to her I wonder what he would say- aside from the obvious physical attraction? I would bet that he would use words like passionate, intelligent, caring, sincere and loyal.

When you meet an attractive stranger, what do you look for? If you find that you rely mostly on their outward appearance and their words to gauge who they are- you may be missing the most useful mate finding tool. Next time, watch their body language, measure their words against what they do- and how they do it. Dig into that instinctual part of yourself. Otherwise, you find yourself ending up with the wrong person for you.

I read an interesting piece in The Washington Post’s Health section this morning. In her column, “My Time,” Abigail Trafford wrote about a “problem” that is apparently occurring a lot on online dating sites. Women 50 years and older are seeking younger men- and the guys that fall into their desired age range are generally looking for younger women. Ms. Trafford calls it a “mating gap in gray love.” However, according to the statistics kept by eHarmony and Match.com - people are finding love- and often their perfect match’s age differs from what they had said they were looking for. According to these major dating sites, in the end- it’s all about compatibility. But you already knew that, right?

So what is this “thing” people have about age? Is it denial? Perhaps singles are hoping to regain some of their lost youth or maybe they are operating under an assumption that they look and feel younger than their age group- but most of their peers do not. Perhaps they see heavier baggage coming with every year that has passed. Something is causing them to reject the idea of dating within or above their age bracket.

Want to hear what women, and men, in this dating demographic share with me regarding their reluctance to date same age or older singles? Women tell me that they are fearful of ending up with a partner that they have to be a caretaker for. This concern did not exist for them when they were young daters- as they saw a lifetime with someone- who would grow old and possibly need to lean on them. However, committing to a relationship with someone who may only be a full partner for a short time, and dependent for (perhaps) years- is definitely not what they seek as they look forward to their golden years.

Women are also concerned that older men will have less energy and enthusiasm for participating in leisure and social activities- and will not be able to keep up with them sexually. As women get older and past the years of child bearing and family responsibility- they get a second wind and want to pursue long pent up dreams and experience all those things they put on hold during their earlier years that were taken up with the business of family and/or work.

Men often tell me that they “look and feel younger than their age,” and fear that the same age or older women will be “old” in mind, body and spirit. They recount their frequent impressions of women their age as “overweight or not in shape”, “negative and centered on problems”, and “not interested in or able to participate in the activities” they want to share with a potential partner.

It’s interesting that both women and men are finding similar age partners online, in spite of their views on age and dating. In many cases, the men are a few years younger than the women they make the right connection with. Women are also finding “older’ men who are vibrant, active and more than able to keep up with them- in and out of bed. It usually comes down to finding a person they are truly comfortable and compatible with. When this happens, the issue of age seems to go right out the window.

A coaching client of mine shared a chilling tale last week about an experience she had with a man who saw her profile on a large and reputable dating site. This “gentleman” liked her profile- and apparently armed with technical savvy and good powers of observation- was able to track down her identity based on one of her pictures. In this picture, she was standing in front of a logo of her business. It was very much in the background- and not easily seen- but this guy must have found a way to enlarge it and identify it.

The “chilly’ part is that he then Googled her business and looked for anyone with her first name. She is the only one who has that name in the company- and bam, he was able to get her HOME phone number and who knows what else. He then proceeded to call her and leave a message- thank goodness she was not home. He did explain how he tracked her down- but she was not impressed. Hear that, guys, not happy at all. She felt violated and frightened; given that it seems with very little information- anyone can be found.

I asked her if I could share her story and she said, “Absolutely.” Listen up ladies (and guys). Be careful not to have anything in your pictures or profile that could leave clues as to who you are and where you can be found. Most of the time this would not be an issue- but there are always people out there who don’t seem to know where the boundaries are- and confuse assertion with stalking.

Internet dating is a great idea- and one that has resulted in many successful relationships. But like everywhere else in the dating world- you need to be careful who you let into your life.

Did you see that dap? If so, what was your gut reaction to Barak and Michelle and this bit of intimacy? Your responses are probably as varied as those of all the pundits that talked and wrote about it for days. Reactions ranged from looking at it as a “black” thing to a generational thing, to a sign of unity and partnership. It’s safe to say that these were elements- but my reaction was, “Wow, what a genuinely intimate moment.” Like many viewers, I watch politicians and their spouses with a skeptical eye. They embrace and kiss for the cameras and stand together- through victory and infidelity and everything in-between. After all, the show must go on. But this was different…

If you watched that moment of victory closely, you saw their intense eye contact, their bodies in sync and a kind of fluidity in how their fists came together. It was refreshingly honest- and it left the viewer with the sense that this couple is a real team, not just for political expediency- but in all the ways two people can be.

Compare the moment to those we have watched of Bill and Hillary, John and Cindy, Eliot and Silda, Gary and Lee (Hart), John and Jackie (Kennedy), or even Ronald and Nancy, Al and Tipper and Jimmy and Rosalind (Carter)- who are all known for their devotion to one another. Yet, even they never shared a public moment together that felt like the dap moment.

What made this different? It is a new expression between political spouses, and there was a very unrehearsed quality about it. However, what struck me was the connection that could be felt across a room- or a country. For that brief moment, it felt like they were the only two people present. Alone together and focused on a delightful feeling or thought that they and they alone shared. This is what true intimacy looks and feels like.

Many people are asking; “Why?” Why would a successful politician with a lovely wife and family, a promising career, and a squeaky clean record do such a thing? Why, Indeed… Words like arrogance, lust, and recklessness have been thrown around quite a bit. Reactions to Eliot Spitzer’s outing range from shock and disbelief to snickering and gleefulness- especially on Wall Street or any of the many circles where he made enemies as a onetime infamous prosecutor. Here in Washington DC and its close in burbs, the jokes and commentary started within a few hours after the story broke. As a relationship coach and psychotherapist, I heard from a number of media who wanted to get my take on what he was thinking, if he was thinking and WHY he did this to himself and those he loves. No one but the soon to be ex- Governor knows why- but I’m happy to offer my insights and explore some possibilities.

It WAS partly about sex. According to all the men I have discussed this with, and my own history of working with men who have sought out prostitutes- it is about mindless, reckless, anything-you-want sex. There is no emotional attachment, the woman’s needs/feelings are not part of the equation, and the man can have what he wants, the way he wants it- with no consequences. Or so the men who do this believe. As this situation illustrates so well- every act has consequences, and sometimes it’s just a matter of time.

It’s also about power and control- and we know Mr. Spitzer loves both of these. In this type of “relationship,” the woman is an object, a paid object who does as she is told and is then dismissed until the next time. It’s like that old saying; “He who pays the piper calls the tune.” Mr. Spitzer is married to a woman who is his equal and more. She is intelligent, educated and has input into their partnership, family and personal goals, etc. In a marriage, mutual feelings and needs must be considered, issues debated and compromises worked out. Not so with “Kristen.”

It could also be about a deeper compulsion, perhaps even a sexual addiction. Mr. Spitzer may have been seeking the high that comes from doing something forbidden and dangerous and getting away with it. His outwardly controlling nature may have been a mask for a compulsion that was buried deeply and for which he has few outlets. This way he could maintain his public face of happily married, decent and honorable family man and champion of all that is moral and good- yet act out the deep drives and desires that he knows would not be acceptable in his real life.

Whatever the reasons may have been, I can safely say what they were not. The Governor did not seek out call girls because Mrs. Spitzer is not attractive, loving, sexually available, or too intelligent, demanding, etc. I have already heard speculation to this effect- and it fuels those old myths that say it is somehow the woman’s fault- that if she were a better wife, partner, lover- he would not stray. This is not about her- it is about him. Yet the speculation is there and even some criticism has started going around because she stood up there with him when he admitted his transgressions and again when he resigned. Some people are wondering, “How could she, and why?” Perhaps it is because she is in shock and the full reality of what has happened and how long it has been happening has not hit her yet. Perhaps she is thinking about her children, and the effect all of this is having on them. Perhaps she loves him and believes that marriage is for better or worse- and she wants to ride out the worse and heal her marriage.

We should all ask ourselves honestly; “What would I do if it were my husband, lover?” If you can answer this easily, you are not thinking hard enough.

Want to see the latest? Go to:
http://uspolitics.einnews.com/news/spitzer-eliot

I’m afraid I’ve gotten behind in my blogging, and have missed writing about some interesting news stories and studies of interest to you daters out there. Now that singles clubs, events for singles and singles sites are gearing up for the busy fall season, it seems a good time to review some “items of interest” that could be useful as you go online- or get out and mingle, make that first contact and ponder your next move.

Let’s begin with a little dose of reality regarding the limits of online meeting and dating. We all know the many benefits- but if you aren’t a very seasoned and savvy online dater yet, here’s your chance to brush up on the potential dark side of cyber love.

First we have the incredible story of Thomas Montgomery- a stand-up, married father of two who decided one day to re-invent himself online. He “became’ an 18 year old marine named Thomas who began a cyber romance with an “18 year old girl named Jessica.” They corresponded for a long time, sending pictures of their young selves and love letters. Their “relationship” grew until they talked of marriage and he proposed. Thomas actually created a third identity- that of Tommy’s father, who emailed and corresponded with Jessica when Tommy could not (due to being in Iraq). Thomas became obsessed and talked about Jessica at work, telling people he was leaving his wife (Cindy) for her. Cindy found out and confronted him, but he continued with Jessica and Cindy finally wrote to her, giving her the whole story.

It didn’t end there however. Jessica contacted a young man named Brian-who worked with Thomas and who frequented the website they had met on. She wanted to know the truth, and Brain was able to give her the whole story. Brian then began an online relationship with Jessica, and made fun of Thomas at work- telling everyone about what had happened. Interestingly, Jessica and Thomas continued an on-again, off-again relationship for some time, as Jessica continued growing closer to Brian. At some point, Thomas became enraged, shot and killed Brian at work one evening and went to prison- losing his marriage and family. Even stranger, “Jessica” turned out to be a 43 year old woman named Mary, Who masqueraded as her daughter Jessica.

Moral of this one, folks- Don’t believe anything you are told by someone online. Assume it isn’t true until you have the chance to actually meet and experience this person- and compare what you were told to what you are seeing. This story is stranger than fiction- but it happened.

Then there’s the one about the “Second-Life” couple. If you are one of the few people who are not familiar with second life- it is a virtual world where people can buy land, own businesses, develop communities, date, get married, divorced, you name it. What is astonishing is how many people are spending their time and real money on this fantasy life- where their “avatar’ gets to be whoever they want to be.

Many relationships have formed and continue on second life, and this story deals with one of them- that of Ric Hoogestraat, a 53 year old married man from Arizona, who meets, develops a virtual relationship with, and marries- Janet Speilman, a 38 year old Canadian woman. Ric’s wife Susan is well aware of the “relationship”, and when interviewed, discussed how difficult it was for her to see her husband spending so much time online, talking to and making “virtual love” with Janet. Their relationship has even crossed over into real time, when Ric needed surgery last spring and Janet spent real money buying him a virtual island to cheer him up.

It seems that virtual relationships are becoming more and more common and that the people who engage in them are reporting how satisfying they can be. The danger I see in all of this is that technology has taken the place of face to face relating. It is easier in that we don’t have to deal with uncomfortable feelings and issues, if we don’t want to. If our real relationships are letting us down, we can go online and spend hours with a fantasy person (people), who always understand us, never let us down and expect nothing from us. Over time, one’s “second life” can become the one in which they spend their majority of time and energy. This addiction is becoming more common as virtual relating has changed the whole fabric of who, what, when, where and how we socialize and relate to others.

I don’t know about you, but an intimate walk on a solitary beach at dusk or dawn or an evening under the stars, talking intimately and physically touching another human being will always beat out sitting at my computer- sending out messages in cyberspace.

The last piece worth mentioning here is the story published in the Houston Chronicle, where they quoted the statistic that one in three women who met partners through online dating sites has sex with them on the first date. As hard to believe as this is, it gets better. It was also reported that 75 percent of these women didn’t use condoms. These statistics came from Paige Padgett, Ph.D., of The University of Texas School of Public Health, who conducted an online survey of 740 women who placed personal ads on the Internet seeking men. According to Padgett, “otherwise cautious women may engage in unprotected sex because they are lulled into a sense of ‘virtual intimacy.’ By the time the couples meet face-to-face, they have exchanged much information about their backgrounds, their likes and dislikes, as well as their sexual preferences. Padgett also stated that “The high level of disclosure and frequency of e-mail exchanges with men provides women with at least a virtual intimacy—a sense of a relationship that may or may not exist in reality but may encourage sexual intimacy at a faster rate than what would develop through conventional dating methods.”

If you recognize yourself in any of this, now is a great time to step back and do an inventory of how you are feeling about your past dating experiences, if they were positive or negative- and how you could have a healthier and more successful dating life- which of course is one that ends in a long-term and satisfying relationship.

Hopefully, these will give you something to reflect on as you begin to warm up for a busy (and productive?) dating season.

Want to read all about them? Go to:

Wired magazine

WSJ

Houston

Featured on the front page of The Washington Post last weekend, was a piece on a recent survey done by the Pew Research Center that included statistical findings on the factors that couples cite as most important to a happy relationship. There were a few surprises…and then, there weren’t…

Faithfulness came out on top- not a surprise -and agreement on politics came in as least important of the variables rated. What is surprising is that overall children came in second to last as important to a happy marriage. Whites came in strongest on their feelings that kids are not essential to happiness, blacks were in between- and Hispanics ranked them as more important than the other two groups. Yet, averaged out- they were still second to last. Maybe this is why divorce continues to be strong even though we have been in a baby boom period for a number of years. Kids don’t hold a marriage together, make it better if it has major flaws- or provide the glue that keeps the family together through all the stress, hard times and distance that can come between two people and the future they had envisioned together. So the notion of having a baby to fix a relationship must be close to extinction by now- or one can only hope,

Things like having a good sexual relationship, sharing chores, an adequate income, good housing and shared religious beliefs all came before children. Another surprise was that shared interests ranked only one above children- or third from last. It seems that so much emphasis has always been placed on a need for sameness in interests as a strong factor in compatibility- yet those in the know say “no,” not so.

As I read between the lines I saw a couple of important things to note from this survey. The first is that compatibility seems to be most determined by lifestyle choices, physical chemistry, mutual support and an ability to work together and share the responsibilities of daily life. I see the need for shared values poking out- as our values dictate our priorities, how we view family roles, responsibilities, how we manage and share money, and overall future goals and direction for our lives.

This study is very useful because the information comes from married people who have a firsthand experience with what has been important/not important to their relationships. Whatever their expectations or beliefs were when they made the decision to marry- this information comes from having been there, in the trenches.

For all of you out there who have yet to marry, take another look at your “mate shopping list.” If shared interests, agreement on politics and desire for kids are at the top- you may want to re think your overall priorities and think about a “real life” in the future- with someone who shares your interests but is doing them alone because you are handling most of the child care and/or household and other chores- and are too exhausted to even think about what you would like to do for yourself- if you had the space and support necessary to do it. In other words, put some extra thought into your vision of that future life and what kind of partner you will want beside you when the inevitable challenges, disappointments and heartaches come. Listen to those who have been there, and allow yourself to learn a little from their experiences.

To view the full study go to: