What does Tinder have that dating websites do not?

February 22nd, 2017

If you are single and dating and are not familiar with Tinder, you are rare indeed. Tinder has been ranked as the #1 most downloaded lifestyle app for 2 years and counting. Yet if offers little information to users about potential matches. So why is it so popular?

For many folks it is like a drug—you take a hit and then another and get instant satisfaction. There is no delaying gratification as on dating websites where you post a profile, wait for others to respond, read through their profiles, send an email, wait for a response, chat online, maybe chat by phone for a bit—and then possibly agree to that first face-to-face meeting.

Tinder on the other hand serves up potential matches based on looks, location, and availability. Profiles often arrive one after the other—and all the user has to do is swipe right or left and wait to see if the other person goes with right or left. If both swipe right, they can meet immediately as they are always in close proximity, which is one Tinder requirement.

In the old days, we would have scoffed at how shallow this approach is dud to it being based on looks and convenience. But were we being honest with ourselves then? Dating success relies heavily on looks and convenience and always has. Now we are just being honest about it and it has become socially acceptable to pursue others based solely on these criteria.

Tinder has gotten smart (greedy) and limits right swipes for those who don’t sign up for premium—so it’s like any addiction, you will need to keep spending to get your high—and Tinder is a big high for its users. Not surprisingly it has been found that men and women come into Tinder dating with different motivations. Yes, some things don’t change. Women buy into the swipe right based on scarce criteria but are often looking for something more than just a fun date. Men on the other hand are more interested in short-term dating and making a lot of fun matches. Therefore guys tend to swipe right more often than women, which means more women get matches delivered to their inbox then men do. The problem is they may not be looking for the same thing and won’t know this until after that first or second date.

Women are more apt to send messages following matches, and they offer more detail in what they share about themselves then men do. Again, not surprising that guys put in less effort as they are more interested in having an encounter than finding that right person to have the encounter with.

Despite these differences, lasting matches are being made and there are more and more marriages that began by swiping right. There are always users of both sexes looking for love and more. And since it is such a popular app—users increase their odds by being there.

So you will still have to meet and connect with a few frogs, but Prince Charming could absolutely be out there. The elements of luck and timing have always been part of dating and this is the case here as well.

So get active, swipe right when interested and actively engage in those first meetings, putting forth your best true self. Mr or Ms Right are out there somewhere and there is a high probability they are using Tinder right now.

Singles Awareness Day

February 15th, 2017

Just what the single man or woman needs the day after Valentine’s Day—Singles Awareness Day. For weeks now you have been only too aware of your single state and have been counting each day until you could forget about it for another 364 days or you find that right person to celebrate the 14th with next year, whatever comes first.

But no, someone had to come up with Singles Awareness Day which is meant to declare to the world that there is nothing wrong with being single, and that there are in fact, many advantages to the solo life. That Shakespearean quote comes to mind, “Me thinks the Lady (or man) doth protest too much.”

Indeed why do singles have to proclaim this, especially if they don’t really buy into it? To let folks know they are not desperate, undesirable, looking too hard, and/or somehow not fit for coupledom? It seems that if you feel the need to explain, it is because you are feeling defensive, and really, why should you be defensive? Because you haven’t yet found someone you want to commit to, because you enjoy your life as it is and/or are open to the possibility of relationship but not to the idea of forcing it?

The vast majority of us have a solid, happy relationship in our list of long-term goals. It’s NATURAL to desire a partner, friend, confident and lover to go through life with. Other non-human mammals do as well. Isn’t life more fun when you can share it with someone special? It’s the “someone special” part that can be hard to find—and many folks just aren’t willing to settle just to be coupled. Those that do often burn out quickly and find themselves back in the land of the single. Isn’t it more mature, wiser, and a happier experience to get it right the first and only time?

So if you are single today, you don’t need a greater awareness of it. Just go ahead and embrace the life you have, the choices you have made so far—and imagine the possibilities for relationship happiness that could be just around the corner. Get in touch with your inner happy person, this is the one who will help you find and attract that love you seek.

Enjoy

Are your friends and loved ones spying on you?

January 23rd, 2017

A survey of 1,308 adult Facebook users conducted by the University of British Columbia found that 24 % had accessed the accounts of friends, partners, and family members without their knowledge or consent—and often using the other person’s computer or cellphone to do so. Wow, take your device everywhere—even into the bathroom with you….One quarter of a sample is statistically significant, in other words, widespread.

It’s not hard to get into someone’s account if their device is on and they are logged in to Facebook. While some of this is curiosity, it is not hard to see how someone who is jealous, possessive, or even a budding stalker could use any information to justify and/or harass the object of their “obsession.”

Facebook can be damaging to relationships—I have seen this many times in my work with couples. When boundaries are crossed and/or inappropriate thoughts/feelings are posted—things can spin out of control quickly. Facebook has led to cheating when those who are bored or unhappy in their relationships decide to “look up” old lovers. Then there are the online connections and flirtations that can lead to offline hook-ups. There are also the perfectly innocent friendships between members of the opposite sex that are misinterpreted as something else by jealous or possessive partners. In the wrong hands, Facebook can be a weapon of destruction.

Because these are often “inside jobs,” passwords and security are beside the point. Of course, keeping your password completely secret from everyone and logging out of Facebook every time you finish using it, would help prevent this from happening to you.

Of course, the bigger issue is trust. If we can’t trust 25% of the people we are in a close relationship with, what does that say in general about our relationships? If you are one of the snoopers, consider stopping now. If you suspect you are being snooped on, it’s time to have that talk about privacy, boundaries, and trust. If someone you are intimately involved with wants to know something—they should bring it to you directly. If they can’t, this is a RED FLAG.

What is different this season on The Bachelor?

January 16th, 2017

Every new season of The Bachelor producers try to come up with something different; actually more shocking is what they appear to be striving for. There are always the usual characters—the “handsome, accomplished, hunky” bachelor, the nasty girl, the crier, the schemer, the nice one, the one with the sad story—and the one who is there for the wrong reasons, which are assumed to be exposure and fame. But along with these is the new element that is always talked about in the teasers for the show when they use the words/expressions, shocking, never before seen, most surprising or romantic ending ever, etc.

It seems that this season’s new element has to do with The Bachelor himself. Nick is a reformed “bad guy,” who has been on both the Bachelorette, twice, and Paradise. Both times on The Bachelorette he was runner-up, always the groomsman, never the groom. On paradise last summer, he was a reformed Nick, the guy all the women thought of as a confidante and friend.

We all lost count of his (known) conquests from past seasons, and this season they brought on a contestant (bachelorette) who had met him at the wedding of a past Paradise couple who met and fell in love there. And yes, she was another conquest—a one night stand Nick had been intrigued with and had showed an interest in pursuing after the wedding, but she said no and he had not heard from her since. Now here she was, interested and even seemingly smug at times over her secret. Liz did tell one woman as she was bursting with holding it in, then on a group date, kind of, sort of spilled the beans to all the other women on the date—sort of.

Long story short, Nick decided he was not comfortable with her reasons for coming on the show, was developing feelings for other women already—and asked her to leave only a couple of episodes in. This is when the other women were told directly of their history and why Nick had asked her to leave. The fall-out will be seen in the next episode this week. There is always a big build-up about this, yet women never seem to lose interest or leave because of these things. It lends some drama and discomfort however, so it does have its purpose for being included.

The big question on everyone’s mind is “will Nick actually find love his third time around?” Yes, he is older and allegedly more mature. He says at 30 something he is now ready. He likes several of the women already—yet seems to be favoring the one who has already taken off her top in the first episode and repeatedly interrupted the other women in their brief time alone with him. She is the competitive, spoiled princess one—there is usually one of these as well. However Nick also seems very drawn to a down-to-earth, teacher (special needs kids, no less) who he seemed taken with from the first night. In fact, there are at least three women who are clearly considered keepers by Nick, at least for now.

So who will win out? The “bad girl” or the “nice” girl? The one who has a good career, a good head on her shoulders, and a lot of maturity, or Ms. Entitled Daddy’s girl? The answer will tell us a lot about how much Nick has really changed and if he has at all. He just can’t seem to resist the edgy ones—but often that behavior is a cover for attributes that wear thin quickly.

So Nick, what will it be this last and final time?

Get active now to increase your successful dating odds

January 9th, 2017

The New Year brings thoughts of new beginnings and the hope that desired changes will finally take place. Top resolutions include ones that involve dating and relationship goals. It seems that folks start with a lot of determination and a willingness to act, yet by late February, not so much.

Therefore NOW is a great time to spend extra thought and energy trying to connect with others online. Every year more people sign up for and utilize online dating from NOW through Valentine’s Day. It seems that once we get through the family-centered holidays and move into that time of year we want to be inside hibernating with a significant other—if we are not in a relationship, we are feeling very motivated to find one. Then of course, February 14th is just around the corner—and the thought of another one spent home alone or out with single friends can get anyone away from the TV or even that great book and online checking profiles and/or swiping right.

Since successful dating is partially a numbers game, being especially active now will increase your dating odds. Simply put, the pool is bigger and folks are feeling motivated. No, online dating is not the only way to meet people and some folks would argue it is not the best way—but it has worked successfully for many, and will expand your pool of available and compatible singles, so skipping it could be a mistake. Mr. or Ms. Right could be signing up right now—but if you are not there, someone else will be.

Why your dominant partner is a reason you are unhappy in your relationship

January 3rd, 2017

In a recently published study, researchers asked 92 cohabitating heterosexual couples to answer a set of questions every day for 20 days that asked about their interactions with one another. Questions were designed to flush out autonomous each individual felt they could be in their contributions and decision making VS feeling pressured to be, say, or do things according to their partner’s wishes or influence. They were also asked to list the emotions they were experiencing during these interactions with their partner. At the end of 20 days, they were asked to rate their overall relationship satisfaction or happiness.

What the study showed is that when one’s partner behaved more dominantly during the day’s interactions, their relationship satisfaction decreased. The results were the same, regardless of whether it was the man or the woman who was behaving dominantly. The reasons given for their loss of satisfaction is that they felt like they had lost their autonomy by giving up all their power to their partner.

The take away here is that couples should work to find ways to share power and decision making in their relationship. I call this finding a win-win. Each partner needs to be OK with decisions that impact them as individuals and their relationship and family. If one partner gives up all their power, they will grow frustrated and resentful—and this can get acted out in many destructive ways.

Broken heart syndrome isn’t the same for all those who are grieving

January 2nd, 2017

Yes, there is such a thing—and yet I hesitate as I write this for fear of how it could influence those going through a break-up or other loss. As a psychotherapist and relationship coach who has worked with many singles and couples going through a break-up or divorce, I have found it challenging to help many of these grieving individuals to maintain their faith that things do get better with time, support, and effort on their part.

The naked truth is that we can get our hearts broken. The other part of that truth is that we can recover and move on, depending on a number of variables.

Last week the headline news included a lot of press about Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher. Following the sudden loss of her daughter, Ms. Reynolds died of a stroke, brought about most certainly by her shock and grief and her belief that her life was or should be over now that her daughter’s was. This is actually something that is fairly common among the elderly—when one long married spouse dies, the other follows shortly. It’s also common for an elderly parent to die not long after the loss of a child, especially an only child. The reason this happens in the elderly is actually quite simple—they have lived most of their life already and are looking back not ahead. Their lives have narrowed to close family, maybe a few friends—after having said good-bye to their youth, careers, many friends and family already. They are in their twilight and the only lights still burning come from these intimate others. When one is lost suddenly or even expectedly from death—the person feels as though a part of them has died, and they can’t imagine the future without them. Indeed, their short future would never be the same.

However, this same loss for someone who is much younger is very different, or should be. Yes, losing a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person, followed by the loss of a long term partner or spouse. The grief is the most raw and painful because this person is a central part of their lives and seen as someone who will be a part of their future for years to come. When the loss happens, they feel as though they have lost a part of themselves, yet, they still have (potentially) many years in front of them that they must live, find meaning in, and will seek a new normal for.

Therefore when someone comes in for help with grieving over a lost relationship, married or unmarried—though their grief is very real and painful, it is not the same as for a much older person losing a long-term partner. The stages of grief will be their guide, with acceptance and moving on being the last stage before they find acceptance and happiness in their new normal. It will take time, lots of support, help dealing with their anger and resistance to contemplate a new (and hopefully much better) life—which many people find, by the way.

There is life after the loss of a relationship. It will be different, and getting there will not be easy at first. However, with time and persistence—the future could be so much better than the past with that ex-partner, and you could be feeling so much gratitude over having been forced to say good-bye to that old life in order to discover the new one that has brought you much greater happiness.

Tinder now offering dating help

December 20th, 2016

Tinder has a new six-part podcast series titled DTR—Define the relationship. It’s all about dating in the digital age, which Tinder was in the forefront of before the field began to get crowded with more and more dating apps.

According to the description this podcast will bring the listener data wisdom, science, and reporting that is pertinent to dating in today’s very changed dating world. Conversation will cover the good, bad, strange, awkward, bizarre and wonderful aspects of digital meeting and dating.

Apparently podcasts have replaced radio for many young listeners, and tinder saw this as a great way to reach their users and offer the help many are looking for, mixed with some fun and good laughs.

Because of the rapid changes in dating due to technology, many people have questions, but are often reluctant to ask them or to share their struggles with others. They want to be more successful daters and this podcast was designed to help them do that.

Are you struggling with the new dating norms, rules, expectations and nuances? If so, check out DTR and happy dating!

Mansplaining, feminism, and the war of the sexes

November 23rd, 2016

“What war” you may be asking yourself. And Mansplaining, what is that? If you haven’t heard, it’s a term used to describe when a guy talks down to a woman, especially when she is a colleague or other business associate.

A condescending attitude is not a new thing—many of us have felt talked down to by someone at some point in our lives. Adults do it to kids, especially teens, bosses do it to people they supervise, neighbors do it to neighbors, and friends to friends—in other words, it’s fairly universal, and no one wants to be on the receiving end of it.

But now it’s being labelled as a behavior that is more exclusive to men who talk down to women; which according to the recent uproar following the roll-out of an anti-mansplaining campaign by a trade union is an issue for a lot of women. However some have been asking if it’s fair to men. After all, many people of both sexes have been guilty of it.

One has to wonder if this is more about the feelings women have towards males that often get preferential treatment in the workplace because they are men. The system leans towards guys who were once the large majority of workers, and who are still seen as the ones in power. But is this actually true?

Many women are earning college and advanced degrees, their numbers are growing in all the professions. More and more we see women who are the bread winners for their families or who earn the larger paycheck. Women are holding elected offices, and are seated at the head of the table in boardroom of top companies. Women have made a lot of progress and we came very close to having the first women elected to the highest office in our land. Impressive, so why the outcry when mansplaining became a talked about topic recently?

What about these two possibilities? What if men are feeling defensive due to the success and achievements of so many of their female counterparts? A condescending attitude can be a sign of defensiveness rather than a signal that the guy really sees her as less.

It’s also possible that women hold on to feelings of inferiority towards men. Perhaps their recent successes as a group haven’t caught up to them, especially if they still feel a need or make the decision to take a back seat to the men they are romantically involved with. Maybe their accusations are just a reflection of their own defensiveness and insecurity, and if so—the best way to deal with this would be just like a guy would who is being talked down to. They should assertively confront the person, putting their concerns right out there and letting the guy know this is how he is coming across.

Why is it that women talk to EVERYONE else when they are unhappy with someone? If you want to level the playing field with men, be direct, and be assertive ladies. There’s no place at the top for timidity or passive-aggressive behavior.

In a social slump? Try mysocialcalendar.com

November 15th, 2016

If you are a single adult living alone in a major metropolitan area—you may feel as though you are surrounded by a sea of couples. Perhaps many of your old friends are in serious relationships or have moved on to marriage, and many of your co-workers could also be attached. Therefore, finding other singles to form social networks with may seem difficult or even impossible, and you end up either staying home or joining whatever singles groups may be available in your place of worship or neighborhood.

Would it surprise you to know that there are many singles near you who are experiencing the same thing? The problem is that people usually rely on friends or work contacts to introduce them, chance encounters that may or may not result in making an actual connection, and apps like Tinder. While all of these can be helpful, they are often not enough to provide new friendships and relationship possibilities. Meet-up has done a good job of providing more of these opportunities for people, but it can be a challenge to sort through the multitude of offerings, choose something that works in your schedule and is easily accessible, and get in touch with the contact person. Too often, contacts take a long time to respond, groups are inactive, and/or they meet infrequently.

But there is a new option in town—or at least in a select group of metropolitan areas—and hopefully more will be added over time. It’s called mysocialcalendar.com. All you have to do is go to the site, check to see if your metropolitan area is listed and become a member. Then you will get immediate access to all the events and trips that are offered. Even if you don’t find love right away or not at all—you could meet some new friends who could become good friends and build a network of supportive and fun singles who enjoy the things you do.

It’s worth a try.


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