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Dear Dating Coach - February 2005Are long distance relationships doomed from the start? Q. I met a nice lady online through an exclusive service that is used by singles who have a pretty good idea of what they are looking for in a potential mate. The one major issue I have encountered with online meeting is how difficult it can be to find someone you click with - and who is truly compatible in the ways that count. At times it feels like searching for that needle in a haystack. Likes, dislikes, traumas, maturity and lots of the things you have written about come into play and need to be present in order for a relationship to truly work. So, for me it is a rare thing to find a lady whom I click with. I have met such a lady and we've been communicating through emails, and talking on the phone. The problem is that she lives at a distance. Therefore, meeting in person is harder and obviously not as frequent. We have plans to meet in a couple of months and I don't have an issue with that. I actually think that this may be a good thing because it forces us to move slowly. Is there a bad side to long distance relationships? Is there something that I need to be thinking about or reading on this subject? Is there a method for handling long-distance dating? Are there recognized ways to deal with the distance factor or to utilize the time/distance to my benefit? Are such relationships doomed right from the start? A. Phew! This is a question that contains many smaller questions, all good ones by the way. The "bad side" to long distance relationships is geography. It can be very difficult to begin and grow a relationship when spending time together is a very small part of your interaction. In fact, many couples find themselves in a months long phone/email relationship that fizzles when they finally meet and discover the physical chemistry just isn't there. In order for it to work, it needs to be approached with openness, flexibility, good planning and willingness to compromise. Both parties must also be willing to put up with the hassles and sacrifices that a distance relationship comes with. Therefore, the first hurdle is to find someone who is really ok with these conditions and who will make the effort to meet within several weeks to a month’s time. Secondly, the best method for dealing with a long-distance relationship depends on the individuals themselves. Some things you will need to consider together and work out are:
Relationships don't thrive or fail based on geography alone. The key to successful relationship building (and sustaining) is that the individuals have the same desire for the relationship and level of commitment to making it work. With a long distance relationship- one's emotional maturity and ability to delay gratification will play major roles in the eventual failure or success of the relationship. Hope this helps. Good luck.
Toni Coleman, Singles Relationship Coach, is the author of Dear Dating Coach. If you have a question related to any aspect of meeting, dating, or relating; write to her at Toni@consum-mate.com or by snail mail to: Toni Coleman, PO Box 7206, McLean, VA 22101.
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© copyright 2005, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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703-847-1768
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