Relationship Advice and Coaching For Singles Wanting True Love


Consum-mate: Helping Singles Create Lasting, Intimate Relationships

Dear Dating Coach - May 2003

He's Interested and I'm Not; and Vice Versa

Q. I met this guy who is clearly attracted to me. I agreed to a first date, and found him to be a very nice guy that I just feel no chemistry with. He asked for a second date, and brought up all kinds of things he thought we should do together. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I know this isn't going anywhere. I also need to confess that I'm not seeing anyone now and the attention is nice.

I guess my question is, how should I handle this? Should I tell him directly how I feel? Should I go out with him some more and give him a chance to change my mind? Should I go out with him and indirectly communicate I'd like this to be plutonic? Or, is there another, better option I hadn't thought of?

A. So, he's a "nice" guy and you don't want to hurt his feelings. The answers should be obvious here, but often aren't for women in the position you find yourself now. Honesty IS the only way to go. How you tell him has some options to it. In addition, your point about giving him more time is a valid one. It is a good idea to have a few dates to evaluate how you feel. More than one time together could make a difference. If it doesn't, it's time for that honesty.

Talking to him directly by phone or in person is nicer than by email. Sharing that he's a nice guy and you enjoy him as you do your friends leaves the relationship open to friendship building. If he doesn't want this, he will communicate it at some point. He may need some time to think about what you've said, or to collect his hurt ego. Give him that time. Let him know you respect him and therefore are treating him with the honesty that goes with respect. Beyond this, you can't be responsible for how he reacts or handles the situation in general.

Q. I am a single guy with a large circle of friends. This group includes as many girls as other guys. There is one woman that I have had a "friends with benefits" relationship with. We hook up for sex, and it's always been fun with an understanding of no strings attached.

Lately, I've sensed strongly that she has "more than friend" feelings for me. She has hinted at this, I think to hear my thoughts. So far, I've sidestepped it. I enjoy our time together, and find her attractive and nice. I don't see her as being "the one". I don't know how to tell her this without hurting her feelings, causing problems in our group, and losing a friend. Is it ok to continue along and just let her know non-verbally or by seeing her less, etc. that I just don't return her feelings?

A. Somehow I know you know the answer to this (deep down). Imagine for a moment that the situation is reversed. How would you want her to handle it? Chances are you would want her to be honest and spare you any additional hurt (and embarrassment) that the situation could bring.

What does someone do when they need to be honest with a person they like and respect? They find a gentle and direct way to achieve this. It is not necessary to ELABORATE on her possible shortcomings, etc. Tell her you like and enjoy her, but respect her too much to be less than honest with her. Then follow her lead. If she needs to pull back, not see you for a while or cut off all contact, then you support her decision.

 

© copyright 2003, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.


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